The end of the road: The contestants that put the town of Ararat back in shape.

The end of the road: The contestants that put the town of Ararat back in shape. Photo: Network Ten

Who will be the Biggest Loser? There are many truthful and humorous ways to answer that question, but Sunday night's finale is the only way that carries a $75,000 prize.

For tonight we reach the culmination of many months of sweat and tears and smug personal trainers screaming at fat people and the entire town of Ararat debasing itself for TV stardom.

The finale begins by telling us what’s already happened. And then it tells us what’s already happened a bit more. Then it tells us what’s already happened in slightly different words, and finally, in the Ararat Town Hall, Hayley Lewis walks out on stage, wearing a pink dress and having almost entirely erased from the Australian popular consciousness any memory of why she was ever famous in the first place.

Winner: Hard work pays off for Craig Booby.

Winner: Hard work pays off for Craig Booby. Photo: Network Ten

Will the winner be Craig, Sharon, Katrina or Toni? If the contest is decided by quality of handmade signs held up by supporters, one thing is for sure: Toni will lose.

But before we get to the winner, we need to look at some of the losers. Or, I guess, the non-Losers? The terminology is confusing. Anyway, the show is two hours long and there’s filler to be inserted.

We flash back to Cameron, who was forced out of the show on medical grounds – who’d have thought a hyper-intensive physical training regime inflicted on a severely overweight person might have negative health implications? We also flash back to Jane: it’s already clear that almost all of this show will be made up of footage from previous shows.

At the beginning of his journey: Craig Booby.

At the beginning of his journey: Craig Booby. Photo: Network Ten

Out they come, Cameron and Jane, and frankly they have lost a lot of weight. They’re also much better-dressed than back when they were standing around in Biggest Loser-branded underwear. “I am speechless,” lies Hayley. Cameron reveals his weight-loss secret: multiple heart surgeries and being kicked by his wife. Jane reveals that she feels like a different person: “the change in me has been a total 360,” she confides, not realising that this means she’s actually exactly the same person.

Next we flash back to Shannon and Natalie. Remember how Natalie so poignantly confessed that she had had a lot of things happen in her life? Remember when Shannan called her an “Aussie battler” with a straight face? Remember how we discovered that Natalie was so much happier away from her family? Remember how Shannon changed? Remember how Shannon is a different person from Shannan? Out come Shannon and Natalie, and there is no doubt that the Biggest Loser programme of putting women in nice dresses sure does make them look nice.

Now we move on to … oh, no now we’re moving on to Craig’s family and friends throwing him a party when he went home. Which is pretty riveting – there’s balloons and stuff. At this point we are 17 minutes into the finale, or, using the viewer-perception scale, four hours.

After a quick break to view some of the superb products which support the Biggest Loser, we flash back to the day when the trainers made a graph of how everyone in the competition knew each other, causing the audience to collapse in waves of hysterics at how hilarious it is when people who live in the same small country town turn out to have met. Champagne comedy.

No time to dwell on this though – it’s now time to see some more old footage that everyone’s already seen! This time it’s Roger, whose journey from big fat guy to guy covered in mud wearing a helmet is very moving. And then Kerry, who we all remember as the type of contestant who Commando dreams of. But then Commando eats a lot of cheese.

I don’t want to blow your minds, but Roger and Kerry have lost a lot of weight. It’s also possible Kerry has lost some height – was he always that short? Hayley notes that Roger was “the naughtiest contestant”. “Anything we said to do, Roger would do the opposite,” she smirks. Luckily, they told Roger to put on weight. He achieved his weight loss through lifestyle changes: for example, he used to walk his dog by holding the leash out the window while he drove his ute. But now, the dog drives the ute while Roger sits in the back doing sit-ups.

Next up, Mary and Matt. “Matt’s a funny one,” says Michelle, possibly thinking of someone else called Matt. The footage reveals nothing funny about Matt. Mary isn’t very amusing either, but she still gets a big cheer from the audience, who are all very very drunk.

A quick cut reveals a sign in the crowd that reads, “NO FAT IN ARARAT” being held up by a blind person.

It’s time to see what happened when Sharon went home. Turns out to be exactly the same thing as when Craig went home, except everyone was wearing green t-shirts. The diversity on this show is amazing.

A brief pause for a promo for Bondi Rescue, a show which is much subtler in the way it makes fat people feel ashamed of themselves, and we’re back with some more golden memories.

Like the time Shannan made Cal feel like a bad father, and the time Commando started spending way too much time sculpting his facial hair. And the time Caitlin cried. Good times. Both Cal and Caitlin do look a lot better when they’re not sweating and crying and falling in a pool though. Hayley calls Cal “naughty” too – what’s up with her?

Apparently Toni also went home and there was a party and etc etc.

Ah, big Kev. He was brought back to the show because…I dunno, someone got bored, I guess, and then he got yelled at a lot and did a bunch of exercise and now he’s not as fat as he used to be. To be honest a bit of a theme is starting to develop on this show.

Hayley points out that all these fat pigs would still be fat pigs if it weren’t for their wonderful trainers, whose dedication to a scientifically-developed programme of emotional abuse has paid enormous dividends. Let’s look at some footage of this happening.

Then out the trio come to be congratulated by Hayley for their work in transforming Ararat from a town full of fat people to a town full of people who hate fat people. “I know the legacy will last a lifetime,” says Shannan, predicting that once everyone here is dead, Ararat will be awful again.

Katrina went home. Had a party. Got hugs.

We’re around the halfway mark of the finale, which is weird because we’ve been watching it since 1995. The eliminated contestants come out without their nice clothes on, and funnily enough they don’t look quite as thin anymore. It’s $10,000 for the eliminated contestant who’s lost the most weight. Tension is high. Or maybe that’s boredom. Something is high anyway.

They all weigh in. There is much fist-pumping and whooping and laughter at things that aren’t funny. The process is nerve-wracking and dramatic and lasts about three days.

"No matter what happens from this point, you’ve won already,” Hayley tells Cam, her pathological dishonesty growing more flagrant. Anyway, Cam has the biggest loss, which means that out of the Biggest Losers who are losers and can’t win the Biggest Loser, Cam is the Biggest Loser of all, making all the other losers even bigger losers than him.

The next segment is all about stretching this unbelievably elongated TV show out as long as possible, and features Hayley Lewis telling the town of Ararat how well they’ve done in losing a million billion gazillion kilos of weight.

From now on, Ararat’s probability of heart disease and stroke will be much lower, while its probability of abducting fat virgins and burning them alive inside a giant wicker man has skyrocketed.

Finally we’ve reached the important bit. Sort of. It’s actually just a bunch of footage of the finalists. We learn some crucial facts about these people, for example: a) everybody involved with the show is contractually obliged to call Sharon “the pocket rocket” every five seconds; b) Toni jumped off a lot of stuff during the show; c) only Craig can turn Craig’s life around; and d) Katrina has a husband called “Spanner”.

But what’s really amazing is how great all the finalists look when they walk out on stage. They sure make the other contestants look like big piles of garbage!

“We’re not far off crowning our winner,” says Hayley, in a tone of voice suggesting she’s lying again. In any event, we’ve apparently still got time to watch Michelle milking a cow. Life has, in the last two hours, become a baffling ordeal.

"We are so close to finding out,” says Hayley oh my god Hayley just END THIS.

It’s time for the final weigh-in. First up is Sharon. She has lost 40.2 kilos, which in layman’s terms is the equivalent of about ten wedge-tailed eagles. Next up is Katrina, who has – and we cannot stress this enough – a husband called “Spanner”. She has lost 43.8 kilos, or to put it more simply, two and a half Eurasian badgers. This puts Sharon in the lead because her percentage loss is greater, meaning Katrina can’t win and making Hayley’s claim that “this is anyone’s game” yet another lie.

Toni weighs in. She has lost 47.7 kilos, which to put it in terms we can understand, is a little more than 30 human brains.

Last is Craig, who was taught by Commando that it’s all in the head, but found out it’s actually quite a lot in the stomach and buttocks as well. Craig has lost 79.8 kilos, thus achieving his goal of losing more than half the weight of a small tapir. This means that Craig has won, and that despite the hard work and sacrifices of the other contestants, they are failures.

Confetti falls from the ceiling, and the finale ends abruptly, the most inspirational seventeen-hour television program of our lives finally finished.