Jake the 'food encyclopedia' and sister Elle  certainly ate their words on last night's <i>My Kitchen Rules</i>.

Jake the 'food encyclopedia' and sister Elle certainly ate their words on last night's My Kitchen Rules.

Tonight is an exciting night for all dedicated MKR fans, as Jake and Elle attempt to answer the question we've all been asking: can anyone be more obnoxious than Jessie and Biswa?

We begin, as usual, with the opening titles, in which our contestants are shown in happier times, before the reality TV abattoir slaughtered their spirits. We then move on to a boat, where Jake is shouting in a completely spontaneous and unscripted manner at Elle, who is making eggs, which they will eat on the boat while engaging in even more natural, relaxed, non-rehearsed knockabout banter. Jake reminds us that when he comes to food, he "knows it all", and says "nail it" five times in a row, just in case we were in any doubt as to his utter loathsomeness.

After the totally improvised boat breakfast, it's off to the shops, and a timely reminder that Coles is where you can find all your My Kitchen Rules needs. We cut briefly to Jessie and Biswa, who declare they will mark Jake and Elle down for even the slightest mistake, which is quite brazen for a couple of women who last night served a dessert that in a more punitive society would have been classified as attempted murder.

Jessie and Biswa: competing for the coveted Most Obnoxious Team medal.

Jessie and Biswa: competing for the coveted Most Obnoxious Team medal.

Anyway, Jake and Elle are arguing in the butcher's, because they're brother and sister, and brothers and sisters do argue a lot, don’t they? My stars yes! Cut to Manu, who is disappointed that Jake and Elle are serving a T-bone steak, because he depends on a finely-maintained veneer of snobbery in order to keep up this "Frenchman" act.

Jake and Elle's pop-up restaurant is called "Costa del Sol", which Elle explains is Spanish for "Coast by the sunshine"; she is indeed a cosmopolitan young thing. Having set up the  restaurant and had another adorable sibling fight, they have to begin cooking. Elle begins by making basil-flavoured ice cream, indicating that she has already gone completely insane. Manu thinks it's "cool" that they are going to serve this revolting idea, indicating that he, too, has succumbed to kitchen madness. Tonight could end in tragedy.

Jake begins throwing together some vegetables and beef stock and wine and basically proving yet again that the most boring part of any episode of MKR is the bit where people cook. While making the jus, he notices that Elle's ice cream has turned into scrambled eggs. Overlooking the obvious fact that basil-infused scrambled eggs are vastly preferable to basil-infused ice cream, she tips it out and starts again. Meanwhile, Jake is preparing the rabbits which he caught and killed with his bare hands earlier that day, but being a born multi-tasker, he still finds time to hurl a bitchy remark at his sister about her ice cream. An argument ensues about hot saucepans, but it turns out everything is fine apart from the massive fire which they have just ignited in their kitchen. "Oh my god, we need a fire extinguisher!" shrieks Elle, apparently hoping that one will drop from the sky.

After a reminder of how this exercise in culinary excellence is supported by both Coles AND McDonald's, it's back to the kitchen, which is going up in smoke. "It was like a fireball," Elle notes, clearly suspecting this to be retaliation from Masterchef. The fire, however, is quickly put out, and it’s time once again for Elle to scramble her ice cream. Thankfully, Jake saves it with his mighty wrist, and everyone can relax as the rabbit bubbles away, the custard churns, and Jake lovingly stares at his own reflection in the saucepans.

Now it's time to make ravioli, which is, against all odds, less interesting than it sounds. An attempt to mince the rabbit ends in the revelation that the mincer's not working, which leads to the revelation that Jake didn't put the blade on the mincer, which leads to the revelation that Jake is an idiot.

And now it's time for the guests! "They’ve talked a big game," says Josh with all the verve and animation of a mahogany table, while Jessie and Biswa express the hope that Jake and Elle do as badly as they did, which is optimism verging on fantasy. All the guests arrive at Jake and Elle's house, which is a signal for a cutaway where Jessie and Biswa say that Jake looks pale and then undergo some kind of simultaneous full-body muscle spasm. Jake and Elle tell everyone their restaurant is called "Costa del Sol", whereupon Jessie and Biswa express disgust that there is no sun. Immediately five points are deducted for a failure to control the weather.

Back in the kitchen, Jake has stuffed up the pasta. "We do pasta so often it's not funny," says Elle, and to be fair she is correct. The siblings continue to abuse each other, which continues to be oh so cute, but oh no! Who's that at the door? It's Manu the "Frenchman", and Pete "the Grinning Skull" Evans. This means another chance for Jake and Elle to explain the name of their restaurant, which they've now apparently decided is some kind of perverted Italian-Spanish hybrid.

Jake and Elle inform the diners of their menu, triggering looks of disgust around the table – nothing is a bigger turn-off for sophisticated society gourmets like this bunch than a T-bone (spit) steak. Jake asks if anyone wants their steak done a particular way, and everyone acts like a teacher just asked "any questions", looking at their shoes and sullenly ignoring him. And so it's into the kitchen for some pasta-making and light bitching at each other.

But at the table tensions rise as Jessie goes into excruciating detail about the kind of food she doesn't like, laying out exactly what Jake and Elle would need to do to satisfy her. The other guests, understandably, find this a bit rich from someone who so recently was collapsing in a torrent of tears over her failure to reach the standards of the food zookeepers put inside logs for chimpanzees to dig out. Nevertheless, Jessie and Biswa are determined to hold Jake and Elle to the stratospheric standards that they themselves depend on not being held to, and so Jake and Elle could be in trouble, as they may tonight utterly fail to take out the coveted Most Obnoxious Team medal for this series.

Back in the kitchen Jake is pouring cream into a frypan and honestly who cares. Something about truffle flavours, he asks Elle if he can do sauce, Elle says he can, Elle tells Jake not to be cocky, which makes us all suspicious that they are actually related – if they knew each other surely she'd have given up telling him not be cocky years ago.

Then some more stuff happens, but I've just noticed Jake is wearing a red bowtie, and I'm finding it hard to take anything else in.

It's time to serve the entrée, and they've already topped Jessie and Biswa by not issuing a notification that delivery of the entrée will take 6-8 weeks. The rabbit and pancetta ravioli comes out, and Jessie and Biswa immediately crow over the fact that they can't find the truffle. Pete thought it was lovely, but likewise wants to know where the truffle is. Turns out Jake's attempts at infusing the dish with truffles has failed miserably. Manu is disappointed that he couldn't taste the rabbit, but really that might be his own personal sinus problem, it's harsh to judge the cooks for that.

Back in the kitchen Jake demands a slightly creepy hug, and Elle describes the entrée as a "pretty incredible effort", which it was, in the sense that Jessie and Biswa's dessert was "edible". And speaking of Jessie and Biswa, they immediately begin complaining about the need to chew the pasta, a physical effort they are simply not used to. The other guests are also furious at the doughiness of the ravioli, except for Stefano, who being both Italian and not an uncultured savage, knows what "al dente" means.

And so it's on to the steaks, as the Costa del Sol turns into the Ettamogah pub. Josh is dubious about the possibility of twelve steaks all being cooked properly, while Biswa has never eaten a T-bone before – steak is probably one of the foods the spice girls don't like, along with capsicum and tomato and chocolate and vegetables and bread and bacon and honey and rice bubbles and milk and water and sugar and porridge and fish and chicken and lamb and pork and turkey and quail. Jessie and Biswa get yet another cutaway, in which they turn their thumbs down and go "BA-BOW!"

And while the audience is violently assaulting their TV screens, it's time for an ad break.

In the kitchen, Elle instructs Jake not to overcook the steaks, which is lucky, as he was, up to then, planning to burn them to ashes and sprinkle them over the guests' heads. Elle is worried that they are serving pub food. Jake reacts angrily with a lengthy rant in which he seems to be expressing his desire to take over the world through his mighty T-bones.

The steaks are served, and Mick reacts with shock at the size of the steak. Bloody Mick just can't make up his mind: he complains if the food's too small, he complains if the food's too big, he complains if it's 3am before the food arrives. Stop being so damn picky!

The spice girls giggle over the ludicrous idiocy of serving "pub food", but hey, at least pubs actually serve food, unlike certain people I could mention.

Pete looks at Jake and Elle and demands, "Where's the love?" which is, by any objective standard, a real wanker of a question to ask. Apparently his steak is medium, not medium rare, which is exactly the kind of pettifogging you'd expect from Captain Alkalised Water. A quick cutaway to Jessie and Biswa making weird moose noises, and back to Manu bitching about the T-bone. Jake wanted to try something a bit different, but Manu advises him to put his ego aside. Hey Manu, take the beam out of your own eye before addressing the speck in Jake's!

Biswa finds the steak "really chewy", which is an issue for her as she prefers all her food liquefied and delivered through a catheter directly into her stomach. Lisa complains that it's "meat and three veg, pub style", which seems to be the consensus, but I have no idea when we as a nation decided that pubs were so awful.

In the kitchen it's time to make dessert, and Elle quickly shows she isn’t just an ice-cream scrambler, she also has a natural gift for crystallising toffee. Once again, a contestant is tripped up by their own unshakeable belief in their ability to do something they have never actually learnt to do.

"Does that look funny to you?" asks Elle. Jake is distinctly unamused, but somehow, through the power of prayer, the toffee seems to be actually turning into toffee. But back out in the kitchen, there is doubt over the concept of basil ice cream. Kerrie has never had basil ice cream, and her philosophy is, anything that she hasn’t had before is terrible. Mick doesn't think ice cream should have basil in it, because he is not a maniac, and Jessie and Biswa continue to babble like drunken chipmunks as only those who enjoy having car batteries connected to their nipples continue to listen to what they have to say.

Out come the desserts, and Mick suddenly declares "I think it’s awesome", revealing himself to be a class traitor.

"I'm frustrated," says Pete, as if anyone's interested in his personal life. He says he came hoping for three beautiful dishes, but only got two. Yet somehow he's still complaining. You know, maybe some people should just be grateful they're getting a free meal, you know? Some people have to PAY for dinner.

However, the important thing is that the dessert meets with the judges' approval, and that Jessie and Biswa look suicidal. Craig says he enjoys the basil ice cream, as does Matt. I refuse to believe either of them. Jessie doesn't like the basil ice cream, or the presentation, or the angle of the roof of the house, or the wood the table was made from, or the movement of the air, or the colour of the ocean. "She doesn't like anything," says Kerrie, a woman of great perception.

It's time for the scoring. Most teams give Jake and Elle a five, because of the main and because they don't know how pasta is supposed to be served. But Jessie and Biswa give them a ONE, for reasons that rhyme with "butter glitches".

We suddenly see Jake and Elle drinking champagne in daylight, as MKR starts pulling some chronological shenanigans. Back in the present, Jake and Elle are informed they scored 21 out of 50 from their fellow contestants, which they are a little miffed about, perhaps having yet to understand just how hard the producers have worked to select only the most appalling Australians for this show.

It quickly becomes apparent that they need not worry about a sub-spice performance, however, as both judges give them an eight for their entree. Jessie and Biswa are shocked, as they had naturally assumed that the judges would be as vindictive and tasteless as they themselves are.

The main, of course, was a let-down, and they get only fives, Jake losing points for his barefaced lie that the steak would be medium-rare. Dishonesty never prospers, Jake. Jessie and Biswa are shocked, because … I don't know, just because they're genetically programmed to never shut up I guess.

And then it's nines for the dessert, which was apparently delicious. Jessie rolls her eyes, unable to believe that a dessert made entirely of food, which is her least favourite thing to eat, could score so high. "I feel so bad," she says. It's OK Jessie, that's just because you ARE so bad. Both Jessie and Biswa are stunned to discover that another team could possibly have done better than the nightmarish livestock truck pile-up they served, and they leave in tears, hoping against hope that things go horribly wrong for Lisa and Stefano, an attitude one suspects they carry with them in all areas of life.

Jake and Elle are a little disappointed at their score of 65, but they can comfort themselves that they only lost points through a combination of vindictive opponents and pathological lying.

And so we look forward to tomorrow night, when we find out whether Lisa and Stefano can provide a magnificent meal, or whether Stefano will take advantage of Lisa's distraction to escape his confinement and flee back to Italy, to tell his family about the crazed foodie who kidnapped him. Anything could happen, but one thing is for certain: if Jessie and Biswa aren't eliminated I'm going out to buy a dog to kick.