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Don't mention the drought

Where's the moisture?

Where's the moisture?

Men might routinely forget birthdays and wedding anniversaries but I reckon there's one date every bloke has fixed unerringly in his mind: the last time he had sex.

It's not actually a date per se, more a total - in weeks, months, or god help him, years since he successfully ran the ferret.

If it's a matter of mere days and the sexual counter has just been reset, most men probably don't even pause to consider this puny, unintimidating little number.

However, once the total has grown and can be measured in months, the figure sits in the back of a man's head ticking over like the timing device on an IED.

Me? It's been seven months since I scratched the awesome itch - after a split from my partner and child - and I can feel the one-year mark creeping up on me like a bloke with hairy wrists in a cell block shower.

For months my lack of sexual initiative hasn't bothered me, but now it's beginning to feel a little pathetic: I'm worried I might start collecting comic books or grow a ponytail.

Women probably have the same guilty awareness of their sex lives - in fact most gals seem to be able to blurt out the last time they bumped uglies as readily as a guy. I wonder, however, do they pay it as much heed as a man?

Let's be honest, if your average chick is truly desperate for a roll in the daffodils, she merely has to run the right colours up the flagpole at her local watering hole and she's pretty sure to find a taker.

I'm not saying the taker will have showered that day or have a bra size smaller than hers, but there's no shortage of blokes happy to help out a women in the pursuit of meaningless sex.

A desperate man? Well, he might as well be selling sausage sandwiches outside a vegan tantric workshop. He's usually going home with the esky still full.

At high school we had a rule that if a mate had gone 12 weeks without sex, he'd officially moved into drought conditions, such was the lack of moisture in his life.

That means I've progressed through an incipient dry spell, past mild and moderate drought conditions, into severe aridity and am now staring down an extreme rainfall deficiency on the Standard Precipitation Index.

If I was a Third World country, I'd have Rebecca Gibney flying in to shoot an ad for World Vision next weekend. Foreign Correspondent would be preparing a cover story.

So, to counter the growing pathos of being shagless, I have now engaged in an act of even greater pathos - going out specifically looking for, ahhh, love - just like when I was 19 - but at my age, your expectations are far lower and standards much higher.

Staring into blurred crowds of clubbers or drinkers who could be my offspring, I've found myself enacting almost forgotten rituals such as the rain dance (in front of a juke box about 1am) and cloud seeding, i.e. buying cute women vodkas, attempting to encourage storm activity.

However, unlike when I was 19, I now know that 3am is probably not the right time to find said "love" and it's OK to go home alone; sooner or later the rains will come, and me staying sober and avoiding pubs with juke boxes will probably make it more likely.

Lest you think this is a cry for help, let me say I do know there are people far worse off than me - millions of them in fact, who've haven't seen the rain for years, maybe even decades.

However, at least when you're married you get cuddles, cups of tea and maybe even the paper in bed on a Sunday. Sigh.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here.

157 comments so far

  • I am acutely aware of the lack of sex in my life. Even the battery operated pals are begging for mercy at this stage.

    It is okay though. Based on my track record with men I am quite comfortable to be without sex for a while.

    I may crack and have to get in contact with a previous playfriend in 6 months time though to see if they are available for a roll.

    Date and time
    August 01, 2011, 7:53PM
    • Could you change the RSS feed to include the whole article like before?

      Feed reader
      Date and time
      August 01, 2011, 7:56PM
      • Wow new above & Im the forst to comment.

        kudos to me

        1ST ONE
        Date and time
        August 01, 2011, 8:05PM
        • For me, it's been about three years of drought. It's not the end of the world, though.

          "I'm worried I might start collecting comic books or grow a ponytail."

          What's so pathetic about collecting comic books?.

          Black and Blue Man
          Sydney, Australia
          Date and time
          August 01, 2011, 8:05PM
          • +1 for having the full RSS feed back please!

            Date and time
            August 01, 2011, 8:37PM
            • Managed a drought of a bit over a year once upon a time, can't remember now if it was because I wasn't trying or had forgotten how to pick up after a five year relationship, but the next girl I was with was a fantastic 3 year relationship of near perfection.

              After that ended women seemed to become easy and it was a short twisted path to slutdom, have given that up though, nowadays it feels even worse shagging people you're not interested in, I'd just like to have that feeling when a woman closes the door behind her in the morning, that you can't wait to see her again - rather than just sigh and be thankful she's gone.

              Ash Simmonds
              Date and time
              August 01, 2011, 8:52PM
              • The only sex i have is with prostitutes. You get to 40 and it all seems too hard. With women it's all about your status in the world or how much money you earn..Pay them to leave.

                Date and time
                August 01, 2011, 9:34PM
                • I wonder if women do view a lack of sexual connectivity in their lives in the same way to me. I have had one break lasting two years and was not the least bit bothered by it. I do fear for the future when I am in my sixties and maybe have had sex for the final time due to the poor male:female numbers but then again it is possible that I will enjoy the peace of not getting all sweaty and breathless and will be happy to smooch up to a cat instead.

                  Date and time
                  August 01, 2011, 10:11PM
                  • Sydney is an awful place to find yourself in a drought; I've always found this town to be a bit more ruthless than a lot of other places in the world.

                    Getting on a plane and flying over some water is a sure-fire way to end any drought.

                    hired goon
                    Date and time
                    August 01, 2011, 10:21PM
                    • "I'm worried I might start collecting comic books or grow a ponytail."


                      What's so pathetic about growing a ponytail?

                      Yep I'm on a drought too ... most pathetic thing is I'm too stingy to pay for hookers. God bless the ladies of the night though. I love you Lin ... or Qin ... hmm ... for 250 bucks a pop ... I really should remember her name better.

                      Date and time
                      August 01, 2011, 10:38PM

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