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Fact from fiction

And loving it.

And loving it.

One of the obvious achievements of this blog having been around for almost six years is we've covered a looooot of ground.

However, if you're a newcomer to All Men Are Liars, you might often think "why doesn't he write about this?" ... when I did, four years ago and you'd never know unless you had too much free time at work to trawl the archives ...

Anyway, I was talking to my mate El Guapo recently and he expressed frustration so much written energy is expended by women dilating on the obvious about men - like the stunning newsflash we can be immature - or attempting to "prove" nasty stereotypes (like we're all cheats).

At the same time, men do love to defend the indefensible - i.e. "we're not lazy" - and thus we often unfairly get demolished when we say something quite reasonable, such as not all men are attracted to skinny blondes.

Anyway, I thought we'd go All Men Are Liars 101 today and, with the help of El Guapo, sketch out a few broad facts and fictions about men ... and see if y'all agree.

WHAT'S TRUE

Men don't share their emotions: "It almost seems like women meet with their female friends to talk about their problems, while guys meet their male friends to NOT talk about their problems," says El Guapo.

When the Guap meets his mates, he says he talks about everything except reality; it's his means of escape, which is mostly true, except when he talks to me. Then we both break down emotional and relationship issues like they're the Schlieffen Plan and we're crazed Prussian generals looking to deflower Paris.

Men are lazy: Especially around the house, and they don't do their share of the cleaning and chores.

Me? I'm not. I'm a neat freak - plus, I work from home and can use scrubbing the dunny as an excuse to avoid a blinking cursor and the sucking maw of my next novel.

But generally? Come on, boys, admit it; we could do better around the house. And sure, we work full time ... blahdy blah ... but there's also little doubt the average bloke's idea of hygiene and neatness is not in line with that of a woman's.

We're bred to conserve our energy for conquest. Pass me a grape.

Men are immature: Do you sometimes feel as if your boyfriend behaves like a child? Does he throw tantrums, get too emotional about cars? Does he think fart jokes are funny? And when he's with his friends, do they reminisce about school all the time? Do they call each other nicknames and sing songs from their youth and recall Hollywood movie scenes in lousy American accents?

Guys act like kids because, generally, they yearn to be young again. It's when we had the most sex, the most fun and could see our abs. What's not to miss?

On the flipside, when you need us to be deadly serious and just DEAL WITH SHIT, we're pretty good at that as well ... you know, wars, natural disasters, car accidents ... until someone belches a question and we all think it's hi-lar-i-ous.

Men are gross: See "the average man's idea of hygiene and neatness is not in line with that of a woman's".

Eating a scab off your knee is not gonna stop conversation among a lot of blokes. Cupcaking your mate is considered sharing the love. Rearranging your testicles while talking to someone is just stocktaking.

And sure, there are plenty of guys not like this, but generally, as a sex, we're more enamoured of bodily functions than women - which is why it's hypocritical if we avoid changing our children's nappies.

We should be finger painting with the stuff.

Men hate shopping: How many times have you seen it? The defeated look on a guy's face while he's lap-dogging after his girlfriend in a shoe store. Unless it's for them, guys will only put up with this very early on in a relationship, and, once they've paid their dues, they will avoid it like the plague.

Accept it, move on. We don't insist you come to the footy or play Halo.

WHAT'S NOT TRUE

Men cheat: Both El Guapo and I willingly concede guys seem less committed to relationships than girls. However, there is no denying that it takes two to fornicate - so guys who are unfaithful to their partners are being unfaithful with women, usually.

Thus, it would appear that, unless cheating guys are screwing around exclusively with single girls, women are as unfaithful as men. It's not mathematically possible otherwise.

Men find only skinny girls attractive: Sure, a girl who looks like this will turn heads, perhaps even haunt your dreams and send you to the furthest cubicle in the bathroom at work. But, if you polled 100 guys, 85 of them would think models are too skinny. Way too skinny.

If a guy is really buffed and stacked with abs and pecs and quads and lats and shit tattoos, then he might desire likewise in his partner. But if a guy has a bit of flab, like most of us, chances are he likes the same in a girl. He's hardly got any right to criticise when he's carrying a spare tyre, has he? For the most part, I think girls would be surprised how little guys care about bodies.

And if you don't believe us, believe Google. The 2011 book A Billion Wicked Thoughts by neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam claimed that, after analysing billions of search queries on the internet, they can categorically prove men prefer overweight women to underweight women.

"Adjectives describing body size (such as 'chubby' and 'thin') are the third most frequent category of adjectives appearing in Dogpile searches. Are most of these searches seeking the slender bodies of cover models?" they write.

"For every search for a 'skinny' girl, there are almost three searches for a 'fat' girl. On the Alexa Adult List, there are more than 504 adult sites explicitly dedicated to heavy ladies (such as Fat Tube, Sugar Fat Girls, and Hippo Girls), and only 182 explicitly dedicated to skinny ones (such as Skinny Teens Naked)."

That said, most porn models are underweight, so you don't have to search specifically for skinny chicks, they just appear. Not that I'd know.

Men play games when they get your phone number: Sure, some guys will delay calling a woman to be cool and not look too eager. But most guys wait for two reasons: they're scared or nervous. 

Or, they actually aren't sure whether they want to call you. So they put it off for a few days so they can see in the cold light of day if they feel love or lust for someone.

That's not game playing; that's just common sense.

Guys are super-confident: No they are not. They're just not super-paranoid.

Men are obsessed with sport: If you think your boyfriend is "sports-mad", think again (and thank God you don't live in another country). Opposition fans aren't segregated at Australian sporting venues. No one gets stabbed or shot or riots. No one commits suicide. Fans don't throw banana skins and make ape noises when black players go near the ball. We have sport in more perspective than almost anywhere else on the planet.

So that's it.

We kept it short - we kept it obvious, so now it's your turn.

Facts and fiction.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.

88 comments so far

  • Well I guess that is a good summary. As usual, well done, Sam.

    Commenter
    enno
    Location
    sydney
    Date and time
    April 19, 2012, 7:36PM
    • Most of this seems to be playing into shaming tactics of women and almost as if they are valid. Men are different. Nothing wrong with that.

      Men don't share their emotions because men focus on logic and fact in order to solve things. We don't sit around yapping and crying about things and never come to any sort of solution. We also usually don't let our emotions guide our decisions and don't try to justify our actions to suit our emotion

      Just because men have different standards of cleanliness doesn't mean they're lazy. We just have different priorities and disinfecting washing machines isn't one of them

      Men enjoy having fun. It's how we bond and let off steam. It's not immaturity

      Shopping is about getting in there, buying what you need and getting out ASAP. It's not an exploration of everything in the store

      You're wrong about fat women. Men will settle for what they can get. All men would prefer a Victoria's Secret Angel if they could but they know those women go for movie stars, sports stars and billionaires. You settle for what you can get and make do. Internet searches are not evidence of preferences. Who knows if it's not a bunch of 14yo kids trying gross out their friends with pics of naked women that look like Amanda Vanstone. There's a reason why men with immense choice choose beautiful women. Their choices emulate the desires of men everywhere.

      Commenter
      Bender
      Date and time
      April 19, 2012, 7:48PM
      • This plays into a few stereotypes about women as well.

        I'm not big on talking about my emotions and I know I'm not the only one. The idea that we all sit around talking about our feelings all the time is a bit wrong. I also don't understand why so many men assume this. You're not there, are you?

        I really don't like shopping and tend to take some of my bonus pay to 2-3 stores and do my shop. My male colleagues have more outfits than me. I never, ever take anyone else with me.

        Farts are funny!

        I like a clean home and do a full clean once a week. I find those ads trying to get us to obsess about the whiteness of our toilet and freak out about germs ridiculous. I've lived in sharehouses. Women can be pigs.

        Who you calling paranoid? Hmmmmm.

        Commenter
        Ripley
        Location
        Hunting Aliens
        Date and time
        April 20, 2012, 8:30AM
      • bendy, bendy, bendy

        Your generalisations are as soggy and uninspiring as a bowl of leftover brekkie wheat-bix.

        so ... running around shooting at each other, coveting and blowing others peoples stuff up, causing general chaos 'n' destruction, mayhem etc is not based on any type of emotion?

        Lets make sure the millions of displaced people as a result of civil unrest is a result of men blowing of steam and bonding.

        As for fat chicks - anyone who uses fat as a rating system is unsuccessfully punching their weight class anyway.

        Commenter
        CityChick
        Date and time
        April 20, 2012, 10:41AM
      • Bender,

        What a refreshing,rare bit of common sense comments.

        I don't think Sam would understand this as it probably puts him out of job. Stmble across this column now and again and genuinely feel sorry for Sam.

        Commenter
        Harry Rogers
        Date and time
        April 20, 2012, 10:52AM
      • Congratulations Blender, you've just managed to reduce masculinity to a defence mechanism: "We are this way because you made us this way, and therefore it can't be wrong".

        Commenter
        Black Palm
        Date and time
        April 20, 2012, 3:06PM
      • Bender. Have you ever been in any relationship that has lasted longer than, say, 9 months? Im a weirdo voyeur and what have you

        Commenter
        hired goon
        Date and time
        April 21, 2012, 10:49PM
    • Some people are cheaters, others are not - I don't think it's specific to gender.

      Commenter
      http://diaryofasexjunkie.wordpress.com/
      Location
      Cyberspace
      Date and time
      April 19, 2012, 7:51PM
      • Don't get the argument once a cheater always a cheater etc. The people who cheated on their partners weren't cheaters until they did it. Did the one act of cheating fundamentally change who they are? I'd argue no and that everyone is capable of cheating at one time or another.

        The term cheating is stupid any way. Cheating is the aim of unfairly getting an advantage. So by calling your partner a cheater are you then admitting you too are non monogamous yet keep it in check?

        Commenter
        Dale
        Date and time
        April 19, 2012, 8:31PM
      • my line of thinking wasn't that once a cheater always a cheater, just that some people do cheat and are therefore cheaters.

        i define cheating as contact with someone else that your partner wouldn't approve of - whatever that means in the context of your relationship.

        some people are serial cheaters and will cheat and cheat again. other people may cheat just once and never do it again.

        personally, i think it relates to a lack of empathy for your partner, but i am interested in other points of view.

        Commenter
        http://diaryofasexjunkie.wordpress.com/
        Location
        Cyberspace
        Date and time
        April 19, 2012, 8:46PM

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