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Horizontal drinking

Chuck B, free-styling.

Chuck B, free-styling.

Feel that chill in the air? Time for some drinking in bed, I reckon.

Boozing's been getting a bad rap lately, so my tip for dealing with all the unnecessary public violence and sexual aggression it causes is simple. Imbibe horizontally.

It's comfy, you know you won't wake up on a stranger's mattress 'cos you're already sprawled on yours, there's no fights over the pool table, no awkward rejections when you lean in to pash a 21-year-old at some abattoir of the soul niteclub, no taxis to catch home.

There's pretty much no downside to drinking in bed except you ruin a lot of sheets if you're on the red wine or you fall over returning to said bed from the bathroom and bleed a lot onto your pillow cases.

Many years ago, I read Charles Bukowski's novel Factotum where he wrote: "Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."

I didn't think much about that quote until a few years later when a girlfriend re-introduced me to the concept of drinking in bed and we lorded it up on my futon (it was the 90s) for at least 60 per cent of our three-week relationship.

A mate of mine - I'm pretty sure I've mentioned him before - is a big bed drinker (shiraz) and for this reason only buys his manchester in darker colours.

"Your navy blue sheets do tend to show up more of one unmentionable bodily fluid but at least that washes out. Rockford Basket Press does not. Or it doesn't if you leave it for four days and set the stain with your body heat."

Drinking in bed? How dissolute! How immoderate! How about you argue the point with half of Rome's emperors, swathes of European royalty and Joan Crawford, 'cos they were all experts at horizontal drinking. It's the new black, I'm telling you.

If there's a continuum of life's most self-indulgent practices, golf sits about in the middle, beaten soundly by crowd-funding your own album, heroin, then drinking in bed. The good news is it's one of those cheeky little extravagances we can all slip into our schedule.

During the recent deluge of bad publicity alcohol has attracted, I read the perplexing advice that you should "never drink spirits. At home. Alone". Seriously, where's the fun in that? I thought. Where's the bed? 

Of course, horizontal boozing is much more fun when there's two or more of you, but you're never gonna lose friends if you insist on doing it by yourself.

Drinking alone's underrated. You never realise quite how drunk you are because you don't to talk to anybody to slur your words. Just switch off your phone, don't go near Twitter and you offend no-one, except the people downstairs when you fall over coming back from the bathroom.

Of course, you also wake up in the morning with your bedroom looking like a crime scene, sheets a veritable Rorschach test proffering clues to the adventures of your inebriated self.

Whose blood is that?

You can follow Sam on Twitter here. His email address is here.

48 comments

  • I drank in bed through summer as my bedroom is the coolest room in the house & has a ceiling fan.
    These days I only drink white wine & spirits so pale colored sheets are okay.
    I'm looking forward to firing up the electric blanket and partaking of some quality solo drinking & movie marathons over winter. Just as I have done for much of my adult life.
    If people disagree that is okay. They'll never know.

    Commenter
    M
    Date and time
    May 13, 2013, 8:44PM
    • Booze, bed and an electric blankie...what a way to go!

      Btw, just thought I'd add...

      "...abattoir of the soul niteclub..." - that is just gold Sam. GOLD.

      Line of the year for me.

      You sir are a wordsmth of distinction.

      Commenter
      Derp Derpington
      Location
      Like A Sir...
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 12:02AM
    • Absolutely brilliant, and I'm not even much of a drinker.
      Still, if you have to drink alone, it's definitely recommended to do it in bed, if nothing else so just because it's more comfortable!

      Commenter
      KittyKat
      Location
      here, there and everywhere!
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 9:14AM
    • The only issue I have found is matching food to the booze I am drinking while in bed. Laksa and soups are not so much bed foods. Sandwiches, chips and biscuits leave crumbs everywhere. Pizza can work, but dropping cheesy topping on the sheets is just wrong. Don't even get me started on kebabs or hamburgers.
      Maybe over Winter I can undertake some rigorous testing to find the ultimate bed food to accompany bed drinking.

      Commenter
      M
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 9:26AM
    • M. Toasties.

      Commenter
      blanket solution
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 10:41AM
  • I might start tomorrow with a glass of scotch in bed. Cheers!

    Commenter
    Andrew
    Date and time
    May 13, 2013, 9:51PM
    • Used to live in a share place in Bondi. Whenever I had the place to myself I'd run a bath and grab a bucket of ice, a big. chunky glass and the gigantic bottle of Canadian Club that one of my flatmates' brothers had brought back from O/S (which he 'didn't like'). Getting loaded in the bath on scotch on a slow Thursday = good times.

      Commenter
      Mike W
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 9:08AM
  • No thanks. I have a drinking room where I indulge my festy side, and I read tin foil hat, but still with some truth sites like zerohedge. Love the CB quote. So true. I don't drink spirits because you can't drink litres of the stuff and not die, and I can tell how drunk I'm getting. "abattoir of the soul niteclub", they're still like that are they? Glad I'm not missing out then.

    Commenter
    Meh
    Date and time
    May 14, 2013, 12:40AM
    • Hmm...drinking in bed...nope. The only horizontal drinking I've done is in a hammock at the beach, and there's nothing quite like a piña colada or clamato while you're swaying in the breeze with nothing to do but read the book and watch the women pass by.

      Drinking at home alone, though, I'll often do that while playing MMOs. Does it count as drinking alone if you're the only person in the room but you're interacting with dozens or hundreds of people around the globe?

      Commenter
      JEQP
      Date and time
      May 14, 2013, 1:01AM
      • "Drinking at home alone, though, I'll often do that while playing MMOs. Does it count as drinking alone if you're the only person in the room but you're interacting with dozens or hundreds of people around the globe?"

        HA! I've often asked myself the same question. I know I've had enough when;

        A - I keep missing my proc's
        B - I can no longer hit the w key without straffing....

        Commenter
        Nyd
        Date and time
        May 14, 2013, 10:16AM

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