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Push it

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A better idea than push presents.

A better idea than push presents.

A while back, a certain women's magazine called to ask me if I'd write a small opinion piece about whether new mothers ought to buy their male partners "push presents" for being their rock during labour.

It being a wimminz publication, I had to clean up my language and they changed some of my best lines because apparently women only want to know what men think as long as they agree with it.

Anyway, my argument, was this: "Do you really need me to state the obvious?"

Should women - after nine months of pregnancy, nausea, haemorrhoids, bleeding gums, weight gain, mood swings, stretch marks, then HAVING THEIR VAGINA TORN OPEN DURING BIRTH - then buy their husbands a little pressie to say thanks for holding my hand?

I suggest you run this by a woman suffering her third week of morning sickness or 12th hour of contractions and see what she says: I'll sanitise her response.

"No. No! NO! NO!!"

And, it may surprise you that I wholeheartedly agree.

Blokes do nothing.

We drive to the hospital, look solicitous, hold the video camera, maybe pay for the epidural. Sometimes not even that.

At my local RSL recently, I had a beer with a guy who had to dash off at 6pm.

"Where you going?" I asked.

"Missus is in labour," he replied.

He'd popped up for a quick four schooners, while she huffed and puffed on the couch, which was actually a step up from his first kid.

"When she went into labour last time, I went for surf. I knew she'd be ages. I came back, she was leaning against the doorframe in the bedroom, I said 'Right, off we go.'"

Maybe this bloke's wife should give him some sunscreen?

Or a waxcomb in the shape of a uterus?

I say no, again, because there is also enough useless crap in the world. There are enough meaningless gifts given, then shelved or binned. We do not need to add to this torrent of waste.

Of course, what started this train of thought was the rumour that singer Jay Z had been given a $500K sapphire ring for being so supportive during the pregnancy of his wife Beyonce.

Do we need to point out the obscenity of wearing a two-bedroom apartment on your pinkie?

No. Because we should not be taking our social cues from celebs.

Jay Z and Beyonce, if we believe the tabloid guff, also bought their kid a 24-carat gold rocking horse.

There's a couple with their heads on straight.

Childbirth is the most intimate experience a couple can share. It's profound. It's perfect. It doesn't require commemoration via anything other than awe and respect.

No knick-knack or gift will improve on this.

If a woman really wants to give her husband something to say thank you for being her rock, I suggest a hand job.

It'll be a while before he gets any.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.

74 comments so far

  • Blokes get their push at the start when we’re the one doing the pushin’

    {boom-tish}

    Be sure to try the veal.

    Commenter
    Slim Jim
    Location
    Melbourne
    Date and time
    February 17, 2012, 10:28AM
    • That is FUNNY!!!! I laughed so hard I got tea up my nose!!! Thank you so much!!!

      Commenter
      2boysmum
      Location
      Brissy
      Date and time
      March 01, 2012, 12:10PM
  • Blokes get their push at the start when we’re the one doing the pushin’

    {boom-tish}

    Be sure to try the veal.

    Commenter
    Slim Jim
    Location
    Melbourne
    Date and time
    February 17, 2012, 10:30AM
    • I think pregnancy is disgusting and birth is even more disgusting. I don't know why any woman would ruin their body for some stilly kid.
      I am never having kids I love my body, my boobs and my vagina just the way it is would never ever ruin it for anything and that would include a child.
      As for men what do they do? Women have to go through it all while he is sitting in the pub drinking. F&%k that for a joke.

      Commenter
      Snow
      Location
      NSW
      Date and time
      February 17, 2012, 10:41AM
      • wanna root?

        Commenter
        far canal
        Location
        boganland
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 11:33AM
      • Moot point.

        Commenter
        Lurky
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 11:41AM
      • A few things:
        1. You were a "silly kid" once;
        2. Someone "ruined" their body for you;
        3. Time will do that anyway;
        4. If you truly do not wish to have children, that is cool. There are a great number of valid reasons to not want children; however,
        5. Narcissus drowned due to the infatuation he felt whilst gazing upon his own reflection in a pool

        Commenter
        hired goon
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 11:57AM
      • I hear some ridiculous comments on these blogs, but this one is very high on the dumb, moronic, immature wank list.
        Have a good life ya peanut......

        Commenter
        Commander Tom
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 11:57AM
      • Wow. Your depth in life astounds me.

        Commenter
        wow
        Location
        Sydney
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 12:21PM
      • Orgy Porgy....pass me the Soma!

        Wouldn't want to get a life or anything...might distract from your own self interest?

        Commenter
        Lenina Crowne
        Date and time
        February 17, 2012, 12:26PM

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