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Thank god I'm a douchebag

This is the only image I could find that wouldn't defame a real person.

This is the only image I could find that wouldn't defame a real person.

The former All Men Are Liars intern Marlo Begsley tells me he has a friend who habitually says "thank god I'm a douchebag" when he observes women acting manipulatively or treating "nice guys" poorly.

The social shorthand here is that, if the friend wasn't a douchebag, he'd probably be one of those poor shlubbs who gets treated like crap by women or, alternatively, he'd be paralysed by guilt when he treated a woman badly.

Accepting that you are a "douche" frees you to manipulate and lie to women, with the only concern being how many chicks you can bang.

(Douchebag is an Amercian slang term for a jerk or mean person but in recent years in that country, it's come to particularly represent overmuscled, spray-tanned, Jersey Shore types of guys. In Australia, it's more a general perjorative, meaning "arsehole", "creep" or "player").

When you get down to it, however, lying to members of the opposite sex to obtain sex can take many forms. I've written previously about this dynamic - when, not surprisingly, I was single - because it's a common dilemma faced by men and women in the dating world.

That is: do I gild the lily, pretend to like a person more than I actually do, so I can have sex with them, then tortuously extricate myself from the "relationship" after I've got what I want.

Yes, a lot of men and women would never even consider doing this but, in my experience, they don't have a lot of options; they take what they can get sexually and try to pass off their failings as a virtue.

I also know a lot of people disagree with me and consider me superficial when I say this: it takes me about 30 seconds to work out if I could be in relationship with a woman, and that largely results from how physically attracted I am to her.

If aesthetic requirements are met, I can then safely settle in to appraise things such as whether the girl is stupid (not necessarily a deal killer), a bogan (click here), dresses poorly (again, click here), is racist (here), a drug addict, liar or crazy (here).

The thing is - all of these flaws can be overlooked for the sake of a one-night stand - to reset the counter of The Last Time I Had Sex - but that requires either deceit via omission - never saying you'll call etc., or wilful ignorance, where you try to kid yourself it doesn't matter the woman is a coke-addicted, anti-Semite who dresses at Dotti.

To expand, deceit via omission is where you never mention phoning, texting or Facebook contact, nor breakfast, and definitely not a second date. However, by not speaking about a "future" with a woman, you're still kind of holding it out there as a possibility because you've not discounted it.

The way to "honourably" do this is to have the "I'm not looking for anything serious" conversation with a woman, but I find the percentage of chicks who'll still have sex with you after this discussion is inversely proportionate to how desperate they are.

And there's no bigger passion killer than desperation.

Wilful ignorance is telling yourself (usually while drunk or aroused) you don't care she has a big arse or nose, or that she's a coke-addicted, anti-Semite who watches reality TV; you can work with that.

But when you're sober, or you've ahhh ... sated your desire, the doubts return like crows to carrion.

The result of both these methods is the same - you have sex with people you know you're highly unlikely to want to see again (or for any length of time) and who you're pretty certain you'll not develop an emotional attachment to.

The reason men and women indulge in both deceit via omission and wilful ignorance is pretty simple - someone "special" doesn't come along every day, so we're left to consider giving it a go with someone who is not.

A lot of people characterise that as "just seeing what happens" but I call bullshit on this - you know when it's right and when it is wrong - and you're just practising an even more pernicious form of wilful ignorance; lying not only to the other person, but to yourself as well.

The thing to consider here is that "deceit via omission" and "wilful ignorance" are both methods used by "good guys", blokes who want to kid themselves and their girlfriends they're not douchebags who outright lie to women to get them into bed.

Over the years, I've done it all: lied and manipulated when younger, then "deceit via omission" and "wilful ignorance" as I got older and kidded myself I was "evolving".

The truth is, when another human beings' feelings are involved, it doesn't matter how you hurt them: the pain is the same. What's more, if you're inflicting pain on other human beings, it's gonna affect you; you cannot lead a positive, happy life by creating negative emotions and pain in people.

Especially if you've been inside them or they've been inside you.

The "honourable" or "evolved" options, as I see them, are you stay celibate - which really sucks.

Or, you have a lot of "I'm not looking for anything serious" conversations with women and engage in sex with people who don't really respect themselves.

So, assuming you even vaguely agree with what I've written, you can see that saying "thank god I'm a douchebag", though I'm sure delivered flippantly and somewhat ironically, is also grounded in profound relief.

It's so much easier.

Sam de Brito's latest novel Hello Darkness is in bookstores now. You can follow him on Twitter here. His email address is here.

69 comments so far

  • Not good enough to manipulate women into bed easily.

    Too much of a nice guy and too lazy to learn and practice to the point of doing it well.

    The amount of effort I need to put in to sleep with a woman is reasonably large. If I'm going to put that effort in, why wouldn't I put it into someone I genuinely like?

    Hence I basically don't lie to women in order to get them into bed. Everyone has their levels, offer a saint sex in exchange for one tiny lie, you might get a bite. Tell them it'll take 10 whoppers, maybe not. The 'better' the person the lower the cutoff before it's not worth it.

    As a guy who doesn't lie for sex, put Miranda Kerr in front of me and if all I had to say was 'yes I'd love to keep seeing you' in order to have sex with her, damn right I'd lie.

    Date and time
    April 11, 2012, 5:20PM
    • Regulularchap, I see what you're saying about Miranda Kerr... except, in what universe would it be a LIE to say you'd love to keep seeing her?

      Date and time
      April 12, 2012, 8:59AM
  • You know, most guys are not like this. I know a lot that are but they have some serious problems that eventually make it to the surface. Most guys do not use women like this, or have to work through this conundrum. They simply like a girl, make a play and go with it. Or, not like a girl, pay no attention to her, go home alone.

    I think douches, player etc are men with severe problems. Maybe gay, maybe just emotionally damaged in other ways. The female version would be the indiscriminate slut. Hands up how many men consider the indiscriminate slut to be a well adjusted and stable individual?

    To Young Douche in the Making: don't leave too many corpses behind. You'll never regret looking back over fewer carcasses.

    Date and time
    April 11, 2012, 5:29PM
    • I agree. I'm a traitor to my gender but it's so true. All this machismo I want to shag any woman is a damaged person I reckon. I'm honestly not attracted to people I don't like and really not interested in sex with people I'm not fussed on.

      It would just be weird shagging someone you're not at all into.

      Men are actually normal human beings
      Date and time
      April 12, 2012, 9:58AM
    • Love your comment @ Men. IMO the best (and probably the only really good) reason for starting a sexual relationship with someone is that you are just so attracted to them that you want to be in a state where you are physically as close as you can get. For that to happen, sure you need to find them hot, but you also need to be fascinated by them, find them so compelling in their unique self that there is nothing left for you but to tear your clothes off and ravish them like a horny Greek god.

      Shagging someone you're not interested in isn't just rude to them, it's boring. If you're only interested in getting off and you don't give a crap about the person you're with, maybe you should be flying solo. ;)

      Date and time
      April 12, 2012, 3:11PM
  • Men often overcomplicate this issue in my view.

    I've done my fair share of mating. I've had a decent dry spell once also. Can't say I've ever told I girl that "I'm not looking for anything serious". Can't say I've ever slept with a girl who later accused me of trying to manipulate her into sex. Never had an uncomfortable morning after having sex with a girl.

    I would often wind up in the same bed as some of my female friends after a big night. Sometimes we'd have sex - sometimes we wouldn't. I've tried it on and been knocked back - no problem with that, you just end up having a cuddle which is all some women really want anyway.

    Women like sex too. Some women like to have casual sex. It's idiot men who try to protect women's feelings with their implied moral bullshit that wind up scuppering themselves.... it actually confuses women and it demeans them by implying that they are unable to make a decision for themselves.

    If things are heating up with girl and she doesn't want to go any further then she will say no... and you stop. It's that simple.

    When you say to women "I don't want anything serious" all they see is a weakling male who doesn't just go with his feelings. THATS why they turn off. Nothing less sexy to a girl than a man who's indecisive. Nothing more sexy than a man who knows what he wants... especially when it's her and she wants him to want her.

    Date and time
    April 11, 2012, 5:56PM
    • your last two paragraphs really got me thinking. I should be able to choose to have casual sex and not feel guilty about it. I'm a young female with no romantic partner on the cards, so why not scratch that itch?
      and yes, few things more sexy than a man who knows what he wants in life and can share his deepest fears and emotions with you. He trusts you and wants you to be a part of his life. If he can make me laugh? I'm onto a winner :)

      Port Melbourne
      Date and time
      April 11, 2012, 9:20PM
    • Well said. I agree with pretty much all of that and before being married, I lived along the same lines.

      I can't quite understand the premise of this piece, which isn't necessarily a criticism Sam, but it does seem based on the assumption that it's men who are (a) lying to get sex and (b) either beating themselves up afterwards - or not, if they're a 'douchebag', and (c) that women seem to have no choice in the matter. And from your previous six years' worth of blogging, I don't think that you actually think that way.

      There's a world of difference between a casual shag and sleeping with someone whom you've given the impression to that you intend sleeping with them for the rest of your lives.

      For the former, if you've told someone you're on shore leave from the Sea Shepherd and have one night in town before going off to battle Japanese whalers, armed with a blunt butter knife and some John Butler CDs, and they slept with you on that basis, what harm have you done? Obviously you both wanted a shag and found each other shaggable. It's only a problem if she sees you at the local sushi bar the next week.

      But if you've told someone that they're your soul mate and you want to be 2GETHA 4EVA because you know she's only going to sleep with you if that's true, then you're a lying hound (sorry I can't even type the word douchebag like I mean it, some words just don't sound right coming from me) and a player and perhaps you'll die lonely. Will you care? We all die.

      Cumberland Oval
      Date and time
      April 12, 2012, 10:11AM
  • "If you're inflicting pain on other human beings, it's gonna affect you; you cannot lead a positive, happy life by creating negative emotions and pain in people."

    I agree with this. Karma is especially brutal when you screw someone that likes you/wants to be with you and you don't feel the same but go along anyway.

    Date and time
    April 11, 2012, 6:58PM
    • There's a few fallacies in what you're saying.

      Firstly, you're falling into the trap of thinking that women "give up" sex and lose something in the act and men are meant to "win" sex from the woman and gain something.

      Sex is an equal transaction. If both know what they are doing they both have a good time. Win-win.

      The second fallacy is buying into the female game whereby they attempt to get more from the transaction than they are putting in and feel entitled to this belief. This is wrong. If they want a relationship then they should prove themselves worthy.

      Thirdly, the douchebag tag is slightly unwarranted. It speaks of a time past where men were meant to look out for women because women couldn't protect themselves. That is no longer the case. Men and women are now equal.

      Fourthly, being concerned for their feelings plays directly into my second point. Their feelings are hurt not because you used them but because they felt they were entitled to more.

      Nice guys do finish last. They're the schlubbs who have to settle for the crumbs once the woman can't compete in the market and decides to take the leftovers. Their best is behind them and they want someone willing to settle. Funny I read this before I clicked on this article:,11473/

      Date and time
      April 11, 2012, 7:27PM

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