It's troubling to admit, but I'm a bore.
A "new-father bore" to be precise - one of those blokes who whips out his mobile to show you the video of him looking for "monsters" with his two-year-old under the house by torchlight. How self-consciously cute!
This type of boring can be a full-time job, but, when I pour enough booze into myself to make it out on a Friday night, I go up a level and become a "deep and meaningful bore".
You know him: "What's life all about?" he pouts over his single malt, "How can you believe in merciful God if Jeff Buckley is dead and Lindsay "The Doctor" McDougall is not?" - and then maybe I'll bang on about world hunger.
It can be deadly company if you're just out to smash a cocktail and forget your mortgage for half a minute.
Anyway, since I'm being all self-aware-ish today, here's some other types of bores you might recognise, with sample dialogue.
Fitness bores: "I just did Tough Mudder in two hours, 20. Maaaan, my hip flexors are tight. What're you doing for training?"
Walking away from you.
Food bores: "When I'm hung over, I make these cheeky little corn tortillas with a tomatillo salsa." Really? I just eat a family-sized bag of chips and feel shit about myself.
Movie quote bores: Split into sub-categories like Star Wars and Spinal Tap bores, Anchor Man, Zoolander and Monty Python bores. Endlessly say: "This reminds of that Seinfeld episode!"
Apple bores (aka iBores): Anyone who camps overnight to buy a gadget is streaming porn on it.
HBO bores: "We don't watch free-to-air any more. It's the Golden Age of TV drama in the US. We just watch box sets on our laptop or ... ssssh .... download them, illegally."
Partisan bores: Whose brains' are stuck in either "Libs good, ALP bad" or "Gillard awesome, Abbott evil" mode. Intellectually and politically disabled.
Closely related to ...
Q&A bores: 40-year-old virgins who plague the ABC live audience every Monday so their uni lecturer will give them a nod in the cafeteria the next day. See also Quarterly Essay readers.
Drug bores: "Can you get on?" "Look, I'll only be an hour, I just gotta go see someone, can I borrow your car?"
Yoga bores: This millennia's mutation of women who used to say "I'm a really spiritual person."
Industry bores: "Ahahahaha ... can you believe Wilson actually used that gauge of cardboard on a direct mail campaign? What a total dick! Ahahahahahaha."
Sex bores: "Who's that chick with? You know her? She single? Love to give it to her. Jeez, I'm toey."
Beer bores: They found a wonderful, full-bodied pale ale in McLaren Vale last weekend and can't believe they've got it on tap ... in time for your shout.
Music bores: "Got tickets to The Flaming Lips. I haven't seen 'em since I was at Rock en Seine in Paris with my ex, Ruby." Wow, I mostly listen to FATMAN FM 'cos they play heaps of Elton John and my kid shoved a Sao in the CD player.
I could keep going with real estate and renovation bores, car, travel and relationship bores but I guess the elephant in the room with this topic is ...
Drunk bores: Everywhere. Your best mate, parents ... you. Tells the same story or gibbers about the same subject every time you get together ... but pretends otherwise. Even worse is when they know they're doing it and still plough on.
That said, they scare off pretty easy when you pull out the pictures of your kid.
Do you have (least) favourite type of bore?
I'm currently in Vietnam for 10 days for my mate Simon Gibson's wedding. Moderation will be a little hit and miss because of the time difference.