Check out my D-pouch
I think I've worked out how to slow up this "I'm-gonna-take-a-picture-of-my-penis-and-send-it-to-a-girl-I-just-met" phenomenon that seems to have captured the hearts, minds and thumbs of so many men ...
Don't get me wrong, I love my penis. We spend a lot of time together. I've shown him to many people, in some surprisingly varied situations but, never have I had the urge to send someone a photograph of the little dude.
Call me old-fashioned.
Being back in the throes of dating, I've been talking to a lot of single women, having those sometimes brutal, often wonderful get-to-know-you conversations where you race through what, why and who you and they are, were and wannabe.
Often times this involves talk of exes: Why the Big Love didn't take, who broke whose heart, which person gave you the STD. Then there's the half-chances, the bad dates, the fizzers, weirdos and stalkers; they all get a run sooner or later if you spend enough time on the phone.
To a woman, every gal I've spoken to recently has a story about a guy they've met, either in person or online, who thought it'd be enormously sexy to photograph their penis and message or email it to them.
"All they achieve is showing you they're a creep and how ugly their shower curtain is," said one woman.
Which is not to say some women don't enjoy receiving a photograph of a loved one or soon-to-be loved one's penis. It's just the women I spoke to felt like they'd had it ... sprung upon on them. Or that they'd been given a power tool for Christmas - you know, a gift for them that's really for the guy.
Maybe I'm yet to fully embrace new technology because I'm quite happy simply taking pictures of my daughter and silly street signs. I'll even admit to the odd "selfie", posed in front of a particularly garish or unexpected background.
But a picture of my penis?
I have done it ... many years ago. It was once de rigueur when your friend brought his new camera on a school excursion. You stole the camera, took the money shot in your tent and giggled yourself silly about his parents flicking through the prints at the chemist when they developed them four months later.
It was, however, largely anonymous ... except for my American mate, who we called "New York Post", but that's another blog topic.
Nowadays, the recipient of a "cock shot" - as said pictures have been described, knows exactly who the sender is. And I guess that's the point; it's exhibitionism taken to the next level, unless, of course, you can get a doctor, to take a picture, so they can look at you from inside as well.
If you accept this, you might also agree that exhibitionism is all about the "exhibitor" - it has little do with the person watching the show, they're interchangeable.
I'd also venture it's got something to do with validation. The interesting thing about crotch shots is - and I'm speculating here - it's not guys with tiny or small penises sending theses pictures. It's guys who are rather pleased with what they're packing - yet they're still aching for some kind of affirmation (slack-jawed awe hopefully).
This is why I'm throwing a suggestion at you ... a categorisation every woman has had to deal with.
Women shouldn't have to be the only ones to endure the indignity of being appraised as A, B, C and D cups, so if we were to introduce a mandatory sizing system for men, I think it might give certain blokes the validation they're looking for and save thousands of women the trauma of getting the above mentioned pix at 3am.
Dudes who are Cs, Ds and Es, can drop it as easily into conversations as women do their cup sizes. Really proud men can get it tattooed on their necks or monogrammed on their shirts.
I'll admit, I'm not happy with the lettering system, so let's workshop this. Should we use numbers? Colours? Animal or political metaphors?
You decide. It's your penis after all.
I'm off to Vietnam for ten days for my mate Simon Gibson's wedding and the engine's slipped into neutral a little. That said, I shall be posting next week, though moderation will be a little hit and miss because of the time difference. Have a good weekend, Liars.