That's a scary thought.
Burroughs is the wildly popular author of the memoirs Running With Scissors and Dry and, in the opening chapter of his newest book, tells an amusing story about meeting a "people person" in an elevator and how much he wanted to kill them for being so damn positive.
Out of this encounter sprang the idea for writing a self-help book that obliterated what Burroughs considers to be the thoroughly unhelpful nonsense of the genre including affirmations, mantras and believing in fate.
He takes on a lot of serious subjects such as anorexia and suicide, as well as some rosier ones, like finding love.
The advice, however, is consistently clear-eyed and ... helpful and, me being a single man, I quite enjoyed his take on "soul mates" and finding "the one".
"A belief in a soul mate is often accompanied by a belief that you will meet this soul mate 'when I'm supposed to'," writes Burroughs.
"Here now, we're kind of heading into trouble. 'When I'm supposed to', 'if it's meant to happen,' and similar beliefs suggest there is a paid employee overseeing these details of your life."
While some may argue this is a relaxed attitude to love, Burroughs is of the opinion it is a "passivity born of entitlement".
"You [think you] are owed a soul mate; this has been promised to you since birth. Everybody knows that. So why worry? I'm of the belief that just being patient and letting 'what's meant to be, be' is a crutch and an excuse," writes Burroughs.
Not surprisingly, I agree with Burroughs and expressed similiar sentiments in the wildly under-read Building a Better Bloke, outlined below in italics.
Most psychologists agree one of the cornerstones of mental health is that a person has a feeling of control over their life and destiny. To get technical, this can be broken down into two general approaches to life: do you have an internal or an external locus of control?
People who have an external locus of control tend to assign responsibility for what happens in their lives to fate or luck; influences outside of their governance. They'll say things like what 'will be, will be' or 'it's in the lap of the gods' and in many aspects of their life they'll abdicate responsibility altogether because they believe they're not in charge, so why bother?
People who have an internal locus of control believe they are responsible for pretty much everything that happens in their life and that through hard work, discipline and focus they can achieve their goals.
What does this have to do with women?
I think a lot of men feel like they have no control whatsoever over their dating lives and the types of women they meet. They go to a pub or to a party and the women who are there, or who their friends introduce them to, are the women they may or may not have a chance to go out with – if the woman happens to like them.
Their locus of control is external – they believe it's up to some mysterious force whether they'll meet the woman of their dreams. Then they'll walk down the street or go to a niteclub and see all these other women: exotic, beautiful, well-dressed, funny, funky, different in all the ways women can be, and they can't seem to bridge that gap.
They're either too scared, or too ill-prepared to move that locus of control internally and say to themselves, 'Right, that's the type of woman I want to date, so I'm going to walk up to her and introduce myself.' Instead, they'll watch as she drifts by and out of their life forever and wonder, 'What if?'
Burroughs makes an interesting point about "taking control", quoting a study published in 2010 in Science magazine that analysed mobile phone data and found "it may be possible to predict human movement patterns and location up to 93 per cent of the time", because most of the respondents to the study "seemed to stick to same small area, a radius of six miles or less".
"So when it comes to searching far and wide to find that special someone, your cell phone says you're not travelling very far or very wide at all," writes Burroughs.
"Maybe you aren't even aware of how small a geographic circle you live in. But until you stretch your borders just a little, you can't say you've so much as lifted a finger when it comes to finding love.
"This isn't leaving it in God's hands; this is tying God's hands behind his back. It's unrealistic and passive to expect to meet somebody who shares not only your interests and sensibilities, but also your daily routine," writes Burroughs.
That was the line that got me.
So I rose on Saturday morning and drove to a suburb 20 minutes away to have breakfast.
I sat next to a fat dude on an iPad.
A black guy in an aqua, plunging V-neck sweater took my order.
And I met no one new.
But I tried.