Saturday night at Jonah's. Photo: Reuters
As manly boasts go, being able to say you have the biggest penis in the world has to be in the top three, surely?
Fastest man in the world ... Usain Bolt! Richest man in the world ... Carlos Slim! Biggest penis in the world ... come on ... tell me you don't want to know this guy's name so you can Google him?
I'm actually not certain "fastest" or "richest" would trump "biggest penis" in the showers of a Surry Hills gymnasium or, for that matter, the deserts of Saudi Arabia or mountains of South America. Masculine fascination with spanner size is something that cuts across all cultures and epochs.
The oldest figurative sculpture ever discovered by archaeologists is the 35,000-year-old Venus of Hohle Fels, a mammoth tusk carving of a busty woman and her lady bits, however, I'm certain they'll find a 40,000-year-old whittled stone penis poppin' out of the permafrost any day now.
Penises are everywhere (not just in politician's text messages): they're in cave paintings, temples, totems, monuments and murals; they're transmuted into skyscrapers, lighthouses, rockets, guns, cigars and cars.
Look at a random frame of pornography and that's all you'll likely see: a woman's entire body with man's presence reduced to penis alone.
Experts will tell you this is because porn is made for male audiences and men are obsessed with penis size but I'd argue it's simply because our penises allow us to have babies. Reproduction is the ultimate purpose of all life forms, thus our strongest instinct.
Sex is the fulcrum of human activity and despite all our attempts to conceal, limit, bind or master it, sex remains what Schopenhauer termed "the true and hereditary lord of the world," peering down scornfully from its "ancestral throne" as we attempt to deny our 'private' parts.
Thus, also, why you are still reading about the man with the biggest penis in the world!
At rest, Falcon's penis is nine inches long (weather dependent) which is 22 cm (funny how doodles never went metric, eh?). At work, Falcon's penis is 13.5 inches long (34 cm) and according to Rolling Stone magazine "generates enough heat to warm hands - campfire, style - from a distance of six inches".
There have been past claimants to the title of Biggest Penis in the World but Jonah told me last month he's had no-one challenge his current ascendancy. After a quick look at the pictures on his Twitter feed (not safe for work), I'd say Jonah should feel pretty secure.
The owner of "very small hands", size 10 feet and standing 175 cm (5' 9") tall, Jonah says the myths about fainting from blood loss during tumescence are just that but confirms he does get stopped at airports. Every. Single. Time he goes through a full body scanner ... accused of smuggling swollen goods.
Single, bisexual and admittedly promiscuous, Jonah says he's looking "for the right one" and has never, ever wished he had a smaller penis.
"When I look down at myself I don't see anything special but I still enjoy having something special," says Jonah.
I'm sure Usain Bolt would agree.
Jonah has expressed an interest in visiting our fair shores, so if you're say ... the PR for Durex or Skins compression tights or the Australian Beef Association or somesuch, maybe you'd like to contact the lad and talk ... turkey?
Please don't take it personally if I do not reply to your email as they come in thick and fast depending on the topic. Please know, I appreciate you taking the time to write and comment and would offer mummy hugs to all.