Now you're torquen.
I have railed many times against the mindless consumerism that infects just about every sentient being on this once thrifty continent but sometimes you come across something that is just so ridiculously, uselessly cool that you gotta buy 'em ... like custom Walter White Converse high tops ...
Yes, they are super ugly, but if these "drug runners" can't prompt a conversation at the bus stop with a cute artsy chick about Walter's descent into the character of Heisenberg, you don't deserve to ever have sex again.
Which may be a pertinent theme for the rest of this post because it's largely going to feature an array of fantastically geeky gadgets brought to my attention thanks to the surpassingly excellent website This is Why I'm Broke.
I get the feeling that any man who's buying himself a Space Invaders couch is not having sex with another person as often as he should - though, I'm not gonna cast aspersions at the moment because I'm wandering the Singles Wilderness as popular as a bear with poo in my fur.
Anyway, think you're above this sort of stuff?
I dare you then to imagine a world where your umbrella has a sword handle, you can go to bed in suit pyjamas and give your one and only chocolates in the form of the solar system (yes, they went with the gag on the site: "Ever wonder what Uranus tastes like?").
What about an actual "Flying F---" for the office? A giant rubber nose that dispenses green shower gel out of one nostril? Or some exposed muscle leggings for the missus? (You know you're getting toey when you click through ALL the photos of the model wearing the exposed muscle leggings and consider Googling her name).
I'm pretty sure if a woman gave me a pair titanium bottle-opener sunglasses I would have to marry her. Or at least purchase her a brain beanie as thanks or maybe even some "Fake Awake" sleeping tape for those boring meetings she'd be taking while I stayed home and looked after the kids.
I've written previously about a study that examined happiness world-wide: "People were asked to describe when they were happiest and, not surprisingly, there were statistical variations across different cultures for birthdays, weddings and family gatherings, as well as moments of prayer, accomplishment and sporting victory.
"Interestingly, one of the standard responses for all nationalities was for 'novelty' - those moments when we experience something new for the first time."
I know that, when I wander the isles of KMart or one of those two dollar shops, I can't quieten the throbbing in my head that says "THIS IS WHY IT ENDS"; that it is the obscene waste of resources on absolutely needless shit that will one day doom our race.
They are also of a "novelty value" that speaks volumes about the sophistication of our culture, for it is only cultures of sufficient complexity and advancement than can even countenance, let alone demand or manufacture something like a DJ cat scratch turntable, giant pancake floor pillows or a watercolour paint set iPhone case.
And so we slide towards extinction playing pool in the pool.
I'll pick you up on my Green Machine.