My friend calls me the Bear Grylls of dadness. Man versus fatherhood.
I have created and helped deliver five so-called children. (Caveat: now that I know what causes it, I won’t be doing it any more.)
Dressed for whatever chuck might splurge down my shoulder, I have scaled poo mountains, swum wee rivers, eaten live mashed pumpkin then regurgitated it into the mouths of babes.
I have boldly flown pea and potato fighter planes where no man has flown before.
And always remember this: a spoon full of spit on the Panadol suppository makes the medicine slide in.
Using every skill at my disposal, I have emerged physically unscathed yet only slightly mentally disturbed from 20 years of marriage to a real mother of five mini-me’s.
Now, as Prince William begins his journey, our thoughts and prayers are with him. But he will need to be prepared. Here’s how:
A. During pregnancy
- Download the "yes dear" escape comeback voice app. "It's all your fault I'm feeling like a whale and vomiting on your limousine carpet!" Yes dear. "Your rotten family treats me like some sort of breeding machine." Yes dear. "Get me a Toblerone, one of those 15kg ones." Yes dear.
- Know that you, being a useless man who is only good for one thing (and you’re not very good at that in any case, and look what problems it caused you), are always wrong.
B. At the birth
- Pat her hair gently, right there, just where she says ... oooohh ... NO! NOT THERE, DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!
- Do NOT breathe her air.
- Yes, that is a human being and it's yours and it will stop crying. At some stage. And if another one pops out too, God help you.
C. Raising the kid/s
- You need right proper names like Becks +/or Posh.
- A parental name tag is also a must, lest you forever be known as Becks' +/or Posh’s dad.
- Practise your deck quoits and keep a cloth nappy on hand while changing Becks on a cold day.
- Never blow your nose on or clean your glasses with a cloth nappy.
- Learn a bevvy of lies to justify Santa and the Tooth Fairy. “Of course they’re real, because the Easter Bunny told me!”
- Learn dad jokes. Start with: My dog/cat/brother/reindeer has no nose. How does he smell? Terrible.
- Lullaby repertoire: The standard Train Whistle Blowing (Morningtown Ride) may be nice and all to mark the 50th anniversary of The Seekers but if you really want to bore the kid into unconsciousness, it’s True Blue by John Williamson.
- Pram envy: Having proved your manhood, now turn your attention to having a bigger/better/more long lasting stroller than that smartypants sensitive new age man at play group.
Such is life …