"They [The Collective] cannot be allowed to topple Fairytale". Photo: Adam McLean
'It's Christmas Eve, babe'' - in five sleeps, actually, but who's counting?
''In the drunk tank'' - that is, our kitchen during the rum-soaking of the pudding.
''An old man said to me, 'Won't see another one'.''
And then we sang a song.
Sure did. Till the vapours from the pud knocked us out.
So as we recover, let's try once more to help pop music redeem itself.
This time it involves lifting to No.1 the best Christmas song never to get there because, dear friends of the good and the just, this year is the 25th anniversary of the release of Fairytale of New York by the Pogues and the late great Kirsty MacColl.
If you have not seen the live video of Fairytale or heard it on radio, you're a bum, you're a punk, you're an old something on something quite offensive that can only be spoken by misunderstood Irish yobs who see pop as a legitimate medium for the affirmation of universal human values, as opposed to something that can be merely trifled with at Chrissie.
Denied Christmas No.1 in 1987 by a rotten Pet Shop Boys cover, Fairytale has made Britain's festive charts every year since and hit the top 20 for the past eight years.
It's an affront to the legacy of Santa Claus that the Fairytale has never come true.
Fairytale has already been voted most played Christmas song in British history and on this week's British chart sits at number 18 with a shot of whisky.
The song is about two star-struck lovers who met on a New York corner and danced through the night.
Well may you say, ''Nice story bro, need more reindeer.''
But their dreams have vanished in a haze of booze, drugs and time. Lucky to survive this long, it's probably their last Christmas together; he in the holding cell and she lying there on a drip in that bed.
So, do they get to have one last dance through the night?
Fairytale may even make it to No.1 here, thanks to FM radio station Nova 96.9 which played it on Sunday as I drove off the road and into a mango stall - $10 a box, mind you.
To reach the top of the oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, Fairytale must ward off a cynical confection of Chrissie crap by an Australian Wham! wannabe boy band called the Defective (sorry, the Collective).
They cannot be allowed to topple Fairytale because first, the Collective were stitched together from contestants on the X-Faketor; second, they have covered that appalling George Michael song Last Christmas (1984); and third, they added a rap to it.
So download Fairytale of New York to your MPthingo, tell your kids, bombard the radio station request shows, hit social media, crash YouTube, teach your dog to bark it.
Lift Fairytale to No.1 (or Santa won't bring you any prez-zies!). With that goal attained, we will be entitled to ask whether Fairytale is indeed the greatest Chrissie song of all time, anywhere.
Australia has some wonderful candidates of its own.
Rolf Harris's Six White Boomers is big among the kindy mums: ''Pretty soon old Santa began to feel the heat/took his fur-lined boots off to cool his feet.''
John Williamson is up there with Christmas Photo: ''Oh yum yum, pig's bum/ Christmas pudding.''
But the best two Aussie Chrissie songs are, just like Fairytale, teary classics certain to make anyone hug a dad like me.
First, How to Make Gravy (1996) by Paul Kelly. Evoking the classic film The Castle, Joe has done bad and he's in the poo. If he gets good behaviour, he'll be out by July. So, please, kiss his kids on Christmas Day, but don't let them cry for him.
''And give my love to Angus/ and to Frank and Dolly/Tell 'em all I'm sorry/ I screwed up this time/And look after Rita,/ I'll be thinking of her/ early Christmas morning/When I'm sta-a-anding in line.''
The other is White Wine in the Sun (2009) by Tim Minchin. He really likes Christmas. Not the church or the hymns cos the lyrics are quite dodgy. But he quite likes the songs and can't wait to get home because …
''I'll be seeing my dad/My brother and sisters, my gran and my mum/They'll be drinking white wine in the sun.''
All three are songs of hope, dreams, family, redemption and giving people one last chance to make good.
And if that isn't what this time of year is all about, then I'll buy a Collective T-shirt. Spend Christmas with someone who cares. Anyone who cares. And be the one who cares for someone else because …
''I've got a feeling/This year's for me and you/So happy Christmas/I love you baby/I can see a better time/Where all our dreams come true.''
Such is life.
PS: ''And the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.''