Ho, fellow conservative Australians, and welcome to this, the foreword to Cory Bernardi's new book. I would like to thank the good senator for inviting me to write a few words but, even more than that, I would like to express my heartfelt appreciation for the very large cheque which made my contribution possible.
Like many of the hundreds of Australians who have rushed online to review The Conservative Revolution, I cannot admit to having read it. Unlike them, however, I have enjoyed spending the funds provided by the cabal of multinational mining companies, merchant banks and tax-exempt mega-churches that have endorsed and possibly funded its publication and my latest beachfront property.
While never having had the pleasure of meeting the senator, who must be very careful about his public movements given the insensate rage he seems to inspire in the lower orders when about in public, I can assure you that I like the cut of his jib. One only has to gaze into the fathomless depths of his black eyes to know that here is a fellow ready to light a fire under the feet of a complacent nation, or to use a white-hot poker on those unprotected feet, or even a handy pair of pliers, should lighting a fire prove inconvenient because of ill-conceived environment legislation.
My fellow conservative Australians - and we are all conservative Australians now, thanks to the courageous legislation promoted by Senator Bernardi to strip away the citizenship from anyone who isn't conservative and even from those who'd mask themselves as conservative when we know, in fact, that some are really about the gay marriage because they secretly want to force everyone to share their secret and shameful and intriguing lusts. My, er, fellow conservative Australians, we must heed the warning of Cory that the moral relativism of the left threatens Australia's way of life. Why, if these lentil-eating monsters had their way, it would be illegal for a fellow to whip the wretched Chinaman at the steam laundrette for putting too much starch in his dickie, to correct one's bothersome wife with the back of one's hand, or even to launch a punitive raid against the natives, should they threaten to breach the boundaries at the edge of settlement with their gibbering demands to not be shot or poisoned or run off their so-called ancestral lands.
These are the unflinching standards we must cleave to, if we are to walk the path ''to a better Australia through a commitment to faith, family, flag, freedom and free enterprise''. The senator has reminded us again and again during his time in Parliament that we must ''protect and defend the traditional institutions that have stood the test of time'', institutions such as restricting the vote to chaps with significant property holdings or at the very least a commission in one of the better regiments - traditions such as White Australia, keeping ladies out of the universities and the working man in his place.
When I think of how our founding governors were able to throw a man in irons, or have him flogged or even hanged for making the sort of trouble we now endure from Ms Hanson-Young, I cannot help but wonder if we have fallen so far from our first principles that there is no further left to fall. Bernardi's book is proof that yes, yes there is.
Oh, poor fellow my country, is there anyone brave enough to call our attention away from the hysteria of so-called global warming and on to the existential threat of Malcolm Turnbull? Yes, of course there is. And it's Bernardi! The courage of the man is found in his willingness to challenge the enemy within with the same gimlet-eyed fanaticism he unleashes on the enemy without.
Not only does the powerful gay lobby, with its millions of supporters, go weak at the knees with the very idea of a pumped-up and sweating Bernardi having his way with them, but treacherous elements within his own party are likewise cowed.
This well-dressed Turnbull, with his expensive suits and tailormade liberalism, forever wanting to extend to everyone those freedoms and privileges traditionally preserved for privileged chaps like Bernardi, where does he get off? At the first stop on the road to green left hell, that's where, with a quick detour to drop into the wedding reception for a gay marriage between a couple of Muslim fellows.
The senator knows that before he can deal with the gays and Muslims, he has to secure himself against the single mothers, and the stepchildren and the divorcees and that Warren Entsch with his suspicious and unmanly earring, but most of all with Turnbull whom, I might add, does not meet the Bernardi Eugenics Gold Standard hailing as he does from a single-parent home.
There is a reason Turnbull looks ill most every time … he has to stand next to the prime minister and explain why a long piece of string and two empty soup cans will outperform the NBN. It's because he is a watermelon - green on the outside and red within - although it might also be because Tony Abbott once thought he'd had a child out of wedlock, meaning that he, too, could not measure up to Bernardi's standards. But who among us can?
John Birmingham blogs for Fairfax Media at brisbanetimes.com.au and for himself at cheeseburgergothic.com.