Illustration: Simon Letch
DUE to escalated interest in the bad mothers meetings, which have been held on an irregular basis through the year, a Bad Mothers Conference has been planned so that we can all sleep in following the meeting.
The conference will be held at an undisclosed location as a way of eluding any Cupcake Mums, Swedish Sandal Mums, Sporty Mums, mums suffering from Excessive After School Activity Syndrome or anyone else who might be under the misguided belief that they are bad mothers and that it might be good to go along for a laugh.
No fakes allowed - this conference is for the genuine article. Handbags will be searched on entry. Any mother carrying a bag that does not contain multiple tissue-covered lollies, old notes that haven't made it to the teacher, finger puppets, fluffy tampons, ticket stubs from movies which are now considered classics, whizzled-up fruit and unknown keys will be refused entry.
The Bad Mothers Conference will commence at lunchtime Friday with a champagne lunch and the opportunity to listen to the guest speaker - a bad mother who has recently returned from a work-related conference in Western Australia. While she reports she doesn't remember a lot of what went on during her time in Perth, she does have two important items to relay as part of her keynote address - the first being the difference between placing a split bet versus a street bet on the roulette wheel and the other being how to communicate with Gen Y. I'm sure both topics will generate some interesting discussion and perhaps spark some ideas for placing your bets when it comes to communicating with any teenagers in the house.
Dinner will be served sometime after lunch. Following dinner a ''school disco'' dance-off will be held with prizes given for best imitation of the school principal, secretary, class teacher and librarian. Accommodation will be in single rooms to alleviate any stress suffered by those who suffer from Shy Bowel Syndrome.
A debriefing will be held the next day after the hamburger, hot chip and Coke lunch. This will be an opportunity for all bad mothers to express their remorse for what happened the night before and to have a good laugh. A two-hour sleep will follow.
Night two will provide all bad mothers with the opportunity to attend a workshop of their choice.
Workshops include: How to De-Banana a School Bag, How to Lie to a School Librarian, How to Clean the House and Weed the Garden in Five Minutes Flat and How to Execute an Undetectable Shoulder Charge.
Shots … sorry, spots will disappear quickly, so get in early!