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Booby prize was one more episode in the life of a DVD box set addict


Columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald

View more articles from Danny Katz

IF I don't see another perfectly pert pair of unfurled naked lady-boobs for the rest of my life, I'm fine with that, because I'm all boobed out - and this from a man who's always been a practising Boobist, striving to attain heightened levels of immeasurable booblightenment.

And it's all because of free-to-air TV: there's nothing to watch except yobbos fixing bathrooms, Delta Goodrem's armpits, and superfamous celebs who I've never heard of, chanting ''Yes Mr Boooooouris, yes Mr Boooooooouris''. So, desperate for quality television, my wife and I bought a DVD box set of a critically acclaimed new drama series from HBO, completely unaware that HBO stands for Heh-heh Boobies Owrrr-summ.

The show is called Game of Thrones and it's an epic mediaeval fantasy filled with complex characters, political intrigue, and lewd naked strumpets - it's like watching a 10-part series of Shakespeare's Macbeth, directed by the guy who did Emmanuelle The Anti-Virgin. Game of Thrones is incredible viewing and once you start, you can't stop, you just keep watching episode after episode - and during the 10-to-the-power-of-boobleplex scene of a naked woman, the unthinkable happened to me; I booberdosed. I found myself going into the kitchen to boil the kettle for tea, and I don't even drink tea.

This is the danger of the DVD box set: you can get hooked on high-grade drama and it's hard to stop watching. It happened to my wife with a DVD box set of Nurse Jackie, a black comedy series about a pill-popping drug-addicted nurse: she couldn't stop, she couldn't get off, and I found her there at 3 in the morning, sunken-eyed, ashen-faced, her remote-control-hand jittering with DVD-DTs, mumbling ''Please … lemme just pop in one more … cmonnnnn … then I'll quit … promise …''

We also got addicted to the DVD box set of The Wire, a tough grungy cop series about the drug kingpins of Baltimore: when we finished season one, we were desperate for another hit, cornering other box set-addicted friends at parties and trying to do a deal: ''Lissen up, Snoop, give us season two of The Wire in exchange for season three of Breaking Bad / No way, mofo, I'll accept nothing less than Downton Abbey on Blu-ray and Entourage with deleted and extended scenes / Aiiight, but when I'm done with all five seasons of Friday Night Lights, I ain't bringing my bid'ness to your ugly ass.''

We had a three-month battle with a DVD box set of Mad Men, a brilliant, multi-plotted series about an advertising agency in the '60s: we'd bought a cheap pirated impure box set from Vietnam so all the episodes were back to front and the show didn't make any sense. We had to start all over again and watch the episodes in the right order, but it made even less sense. So we went back to watching it back to front.

We developed a dependency on a DVD box set of Boardwalk Empire, a visually stunning ultra-violent 1920s gangster drama about the birth of American crime syndicates.

We watched eight episodes in one night and when we finally collapsed into bed, we dreamed horrible Boardwalk Empire dreams about slashed throats and hacked-up bodies and Steve Buscemi's teeth. My wife had to get out of bed and calm down by popping another two eps of Nurse Jackie.

Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Friday Night Lights, Boardwalk Empire: watch these shows and you'll never watch free-to-air television again. But be warned about the side effects. DVD box sets can lead to naked-boob aversion, prohibition whisky-yearnings, an interest in crystal meth manufacturing and a second-hand smoking- abit from watching nicotine-addicted '60s-era advertising copywriters.

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