Nigella Lawson. Photo: Marco Del Grande
An awards night celebrating all that is dumb, second-rate, annoying and embarrassing about Australian television: That’s not something you would want to watch, and it’s not something we would wish to impose upon you.
So we held this year’s Bogie Awards ceremony yesterday, in front of no audience at all, and saved a fortune in champagne, celebrity gift bags and vomit cleansing services. The evening began with a bit of lame standup comedy and a song lip-synched by an American singer who was in the country for something else, with clumsy choreography.
Then the host, somebody you vaguely remember from something on TV a few years ago, stepped up to the podium and revealed these results, derived from nomination forms filled in by people who read this column online three weeks ago …
Best use of breasts to exploit viewers’ base instincts: Homeland (2 votes); Mad Men (2); True Blood (5); Underbelly Razor (10). And the winner, with 21 votes, is Nigella Express (ABC1).
Dumbest programming manoeuvre: Nine putting Excess Baggage against The Biggest Loser (2 votes); ABC letting Angry Boys outstay its welcome by five episodes (3); Ten showing Glee on a Friday night, when the target audience is out boozing with fake IDs (6); Seven showing 30 Rock at 11.30pm (11). And the winner, with 16 votes, was Channel Ten inserting The Renovators into the finale of MasterChef.
Foot deepest into mouth Richard Wilkins for his red carpet interviews ahead of the AACTA awards (4 votes); Karl Stefanovic for his analysis of Richard Wilkins’s penis size (12 votes). And the winner, with 21 votes, was Yumi Stynes and George Negus for their incisive observations on Corporal Ben Roberts-Smith (Ten).
Please Marry My Boy.
Most blatant ripoff of another station's hit: Customs (2 votes); Sunday Night (3); The Renovators (9); My Kitchen Rules (9). And the winner, with 15 votes, is Channel Nine’s Excess Baggage.
Most effable David Stratton (1 vote); Shaun Micallef (1); Ruby Rose (1); Firass Dirani (1); Natalie Gruzlewski (1); Rodger Corser (1); Poh Ling Yeow (1); Melanie Brown (1); Asher Keddie (1); Myf Warhurst (1); Lily Serna (2); Charlie Pickering (2); Manu Feildel (3); Mark Ferguson (3); Hamish Blake (4); Essie Davis (5); Annabel Crabb (5); Adam Hills (5). And the winner, with 6 votes, is Janice Petersen (SBS).
Most overexposed: All the CSIs (1 vote); Hitler’s Bodyguard (2); Stephen Fry (5); Charlie Pickering (6); My Kitchen Rules (8). And the winner, with 16 votes, is The Big Bang Theory (Nine).
Desperate Housewives Photo: Angela Wylie
Least credible canned laughter: Hot in Cleveland (4 votes); Big Bang Theory (10;) 2 Broke Girls (13). And the winner, with 21 votes, is Two and a Half Men (Nine).
Most misunderestimated: Kerri-Anne Kennerley (3 votes); The Good Wife (8); Woodley (10); 30 Rock (11). And the winner, with 12 votes is Letters and Numbers (SBS).
Most unnecessary personality: Andrew O'Keefe (1 vote); David Koch (2); Melissa Doyle (2); Dave Hughes (3); Ruby Rose (3); Paul Henry (5); Yumi Stynes (6); Grant Denyer (6); Fifi Box (7). And the winner, with 9 votes, is Karl Stefanovic (Nine).
Most oddly immobile facial features: Charlotte Dawson (1 vote); Lee Lin Chin (1); Kylie Minogue (3); Liz Hayes (3); Sigrid Thornton (4); Johnny Young (5); Sandra Sully (5). And the winner, with 19 votes, is Tracey Grimshaw (Nine).
Most embarrassing program (The Naomi Robson Cup): The Biggest Loser (1 vote); Beauty and the Geek (1); A Current Affair (9); Today Tonight (9); The Bolt Report (11). And the winner, with 16 votes, is Please Marry My Boy (Seven).
Furthest past use-by date (The EgBert Newton Trophy): Glee (1); Peter Harvey (1); Funniest Home Videos (1); Fifi Box (1); Breakfast (2); George Negus (2); Deal or No Deal (3); Grey’s Anatomy (3); Top Gear (4); Kerri-Anne Kennerley (5); Johnny Young (5). And the winner, with 6 votes, is Desperate Housewives (Seven).
The Black Bogie (The Edward McGuire Chalice): In past years, this award has been been virtually monopolised by Kyle Sandlands. He’s out of contention this year because he was in only one episode of a disastrous talk show. Despite the insistence of some readers on voting for him anyway, this opened the field: Fifi Box (1 vote); Andrew O’Keefe (1); Andrew Bolt (1); Eddie McGuire (8); David Koch (8); Richard Wilkins (10). And the winner, with 20 votes, is Channel Nine’s Karl Stefanovic. Let the party begin.
To see what the readers said, go to The Bogie Voting Form.
You have just read the Who We Are column, by David Dale. It appears in printed form every Sunday in The Sun-Herald, and also as a blog on this website, where it welcomes your comments. David Dale teaches communications at UTS, Sydney. He is the author of The Little Book of Australia -- A snapshot of who we are (Allen and Unwin). For daily updates on Australian attitudes, bookmark The Tribal Mind.