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Keep your mitts off me, thetans

<em>Illustration: michaelmucci.com</em>

Illustration: michaelmucci.com

Far be it for someone raised a Catholic to question the authenticity and origins of other religions. After all, I can imagine the look on the faces of the Canaan cops when they pulled over carts returning home, full of wedding guests, and the donkey drivers said they drank only water at the wedding feast. I can hear the young cop on a camel saying, ''Let me get this right. A bearded guy at the wedding turned the water into wine and that's why you can't walk in a straight line?''

Fair enough, but the origins of the Mormon Church and the Church of Scientology raise serious questions when their elders are seeking the highest offices in the world.

Mitt Romney wants to be president of the US, Tom Cruise wants to be King of Hollywood and the whole wide world.

If you do a Google image search on Mormon garments, you will find the white undergarments that Romney as a church elder wears under his clothes every day.

The undershirt is harmless enough, representing purity. However the underpants contain a codpiece, not unlike a cricketer's box, which is to both protect the sacred tabernacle within and to remind the wearer to keep his manhood under wraps, should it ever rear its ugly head. It is in the form of a male chastity belt, and it is little wonder Romney rarely smiles comfortably. The garments ''when properly worn … provide protection against temptation and evil''.

The Mormon faith, as taught by president Joseph Smith, was dictated by God. The crotch markings and other sacred symbols on the clothing are a constant reminder that desires, appetites and passions are to be kept within the bounds the Lord has set.

Originally, God told Smith he could have four wives at once - which in the mid-19th century would not have been overly expensive and exciting. But as we all know, the price of wives has skyrocketed like gold prices and the Mormon church has subsequently dropped this right. Smith also claimed he was visited by an angel, Moroni, as to the location of a buried book of golden plates. The angel then forbade him to take them away. He later transcribed the words to the Book of Mormon by reading the reflections of a seer stone in the bottom of his hat.

Romney seems like a Republican in the mould of a good George Bush, not the evil son George W. The open purses that the US Supreme Court has allowed for national and international corporations and wealthy billionaires to fund campaigns guarantee that Romney will outspend Barack Obama in television ads and digital drone attacks, which means, I fear, a Republican victory in November. There is a deep resentment in the US among the proletariat of the underclass, black and white, who feel Obama has failed to deliver.

The elders and leaders of the Church of Scientology regard themselves as thetans, direct descendants from the planet Theta who inhabited part of the Earth when their own planet was under threat. They are superhuman, able to jump Oprah Winfrey's couch in a single bound when discussing one's love for the bride to be, Katie Holmes. I doubt Cruise could get over a footstool at the moment.

Any so-called church that charges applicants for sessions to rejig their personality and character defects sounds more like a Fitness First for the mind than a place of worship. The church's headquarters in Los Angeles has all the trappings of the Taj Mahal, built on the backs of slaves who were not fortunate enough to be thetans.

Tom Cruise is a charismatic, charming control freak who was lucky enough to be the product of the seed of a thetan who inhabited the Earth thousands of years ago. Cruise has been unlucky in love. He should consider becoming an old-time Mormon with four wives, and rely on the preachings of Smith rather than that science fiction writer. Not even the presence of captain John Travolta could save the film of L. Ron Hubbard's Battleship Earth from being the greatest piece of rubbish that Hollywood ever made, which makes it beyond bad. The object of Scientologists is to become clear, as Tom reminded Nicole when they were married. Clear is a state uninhabited by negative influence and, according to the Scientology website, makes you freer from accidents.

Organised religions comb the world in search of converts. Scientologists carry clipboards with so-called personality tests. Young, black-clad people carry the Book of Mormon. Both religions do good work. Imagine how fat Cheers star Kirstie Alley would be without her membership to the Hollywood Church of Scientology. South Park and Broadway would be the poorer without Mormon and Scientology jokes.

In fact, the world would be better off if all religious clerics, priests and teachers were forced to wear codpieces and chastity belts.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has disputed the content of this article. Read its response in a letter published on July 22, 2012.

 

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