MAGWATCH

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham.

Body issues: David and Victoria Beckham. Photo: Reuters

Oh Christmas family holidays, how fraught you are. The flight delays, the stomach gripes, the furious battle for space in the back seat of the car that lasts the whole Hume Highway.

And the corpse that washes up on the beach between sandcastles.

David and Victoria Beckham paid $113,000 for their family Christmas holiday in the Maldives last month.

Miley Cyrus.

Raising eyebrows: Miley Cyrus performs at Times Square, New York on New Years Eve. Photo: Getty Images

And while they were rubbing sun cream onto their noses a dead body came in with the tides, says NW. Not the seven-star resort's usual in-the-sun-fun.

Once the children's nightmares had subsided, and David and Victoria moved the sun lounges away from memories of a rotting cadaver, the resort's store of New Year's Eve fireworks exploded.

This, NW says, sparked ''an inferno''.

This story also wins NW a prize for most understated caption - describing the Beckhams as ''subdued'' after these events.

New Idea fearlessly pushes off into the year's uncharted rumours with ''Kate's Pregnant Again!'' on its cover.

The unbeatable ''I am about to have a baby'' photo proof is featured - the Duchess of Cambridge holding her hand across her belly.

This gesture is said to be ''protective''. You know, in case someone comes and kicks her in the guts.

Magwatch hopes the Duchess's gesture means holding other parts of the body indicates the opposite.

Kate Middleton could then walk into a function with her hand on her head and everyone would nod and say, ''Ah, so she is not pregnant.''

Kim Kardashian could leave a New York restaurant with one hand on her bottom and the other on her ear and everyone could say, ''She is not pregnant and also doing the Macarena.''

Miley Cyrus walked into a Las Vegas party last month and rubbed her downstairs on anything and everyone. NW says the singer's post-Christmas party featured her ''humping everything from the floor to an army of little people dressed in S&M gear and animal costumes''. She is, NW says, ''Heading For Disaster''.

Or frantically indicating total non-impregnation.