From the woman who introduced the world to vagina steaming and conscious uncoupling, Gwyneth Paltrow and the gang from goop are back with a new book that reads like The Bell Jar with make-up tutorials.
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"The editors of goop" are soon to release a new tome, Goop Clean Beauty, with a foreword and glowy cover shot of Paltrow and "100 gorgeous photographs of real women".
"The ultimate guide to a healthy body, a natural glow and a happy, mindful life" will be released in Australia in March. Meaning you only have a few days left to enjoy your mediocre, miserable life.
In order to achieve happiness, clean up your "leaky gut" and realise "beauty may start on the inside", the editors, whom, according to the dust cover, "millions of women around the world turn to the clean-living team for beauty advice", recommend beginning with a 10-day detox.
All you have to do is place all of the following in the bin, next to your soul, and adhere to 15 simple guidelines:
- No alcohol.
- No caffeine.
- No dairy.
- No eggs.
- No beef, no pork.
- No shellfish, no raw fish.
- No gluten.
- No soy.
- No nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, peppers).
- No strawberries, oranges, grapefruits, grapes, bananas.
- No corn.
- No white rice.
- No added sugar.
- No peanuts, though other nuts are fine.
- No processed oils and butters (margarines, spreads, and the like), and no vegetable seed oils like canola and corn. Stick to cold-pressed olive oil, coconut, sesame, almond/walnut, and pumpkin-seed oils.
This regime of the One Percent, is the brainchild of someone quoted as "Dr Alejandro Junger", but, the editors claim, "Don't panic! This actually leaves a lot of delicious foods!". Foods like Canarino, a hot Italian tea, also known in Australia as hot water and lemon peel.
Some of the advice is worrying to nutritional scientist Dr Joanna McMillan, who disagrees with goop's endorsement of detoxing.
"The idea of detoxing is really nonsense. Your liver and kidneys have the job of detoxing your body the whole time and they do it well, unless you have liver or kidney disease. There is no evidence whatsoever that eliminating a list of foods like this does any kind of detoxing to your body," she told Fairfax Media.
"It may also contribute to the poor relationship many women already have with food and their bodies. Nothing you do for 10 days is going to have any impact on your long-term health or beauty for that matter.
"I can see the rationale for generally giving up white rice, added sugar and processed fats and oils. But why just for 10 days? The other foods I cannot understand the rationale at all. Particularly I worry that by listing these foods it suggests they are not healthy. Will this mean her followers will think they are best to give them up completely?
"Why no beef or pork, but other meats allowed? Shellfish are pretty amazing sustainable sources of iron, zinc, selenium, iodine and of course protein – terrific for women who are often low in these nutrients. Why cut them out?"
Following chapters containing "skin-boosting recipes", praise for colonics and tips for how to achieve the "French-girl smokey eye", the goop-ites, introduce the concept of "clean sleeping".
Gwyneth's first recommendation is to go home, remove your linen and place it in the bin, next to your soul and contents of your pantry (see above). Then head out and buy a copper-infused pillowcase, as "fine strands of copper oxide could help to prevent the formation of, and even reduce, wrinkles".
Don't have enough time to get the recommended 10-hours a night of sleep suggested in Clean Beauty because you have A) a job, B) small humans in your care and C) no house servants because you're not a Real Housewife?
Simple.
"Cut out sugar, meditate, exercise, and keep your microbiome healthy and balanced," an expert known as "Dr Frank Lipman" says.
As well as retiring your phone at least an hour before bed the book also instructs you to:
"Keep a pot of sweet-smelling, thickly-textured moisturising cream by your bed and, before you turn off the light, give your feet a good three-minute massage."
A highlight buried deep within the 273-pages is the snippet that napping is encouraged. But only at 2pm.
"We all get a little drop in our temperature in the afternoon, around 2pm on average. That's why people get sleepy after lunch. They blame it on their lunch, but that's not really the case; breakfast and dinner don't make you tired. Knowing your temperature drops in the afternoon, that's when you want to plan a nap," the "experts" say.
Clean Beauty – WebMD with pretty pictures – can be yours soon for $45. The perfect gift just in time for Mother's Day, for those of you who hate your mother.
1 gluten-free, frutose-free, raw star.
