Happy couple: George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin.
New Idea says Amal Alamuddin, humanitarian lawyer and adviser to the United Nations, may already be married to George Clooney – and be pregnant.
Seen at a dinner at hotel Villa d'Este in Italy, the barrister wore a dress "that grazed what onlookers described as a slight baby bump".
Magwatch is fed up with talk of baby bumps. Can't someone have a steak pie and some chocolate pudding without everyone assuming they are burgeoning with child?
We also believe the celebrity/women's magazines are a bit confused about Ms Alamuddin.
On the one hand, she is pretty with long hair and a lovely face. Win!
On the other hand, she is an internationally recognised barrister and Oxford graduate, fluent in French and Arabic, who advises governments on international law, is a UN adviser on Syria, and has represented Julian Assange on his fight against extradition to Sweden.
She is not Katie, Jennifer, Nicole, J Lo, Kim, Kourtney, Miley or Lindsay, which means she is not – as the gossip rags delightedly decree – desperate, jealous, alone, conflicted, afraid, dangerously thin, destroyed by fame, snubbed by her gal pals, drinking the pain away, haunted by her straying ex, hiding secret surgery or pregnant with the wrong man.
What, Magwatch hears the magazines cry, is wrong with her? Maybe, oh sweet god, maybe ... nothing is wrong with her. And maybe, oh don't let it be true, maybe ... the readers like that. Cue ground-shaking bang as magazine industry implodes in disbelief.
Shane Warne and Sophie Monk are said to be "hooking up", after they were photographed on a dinner date together in Kensington, London.
Woman's Day says the pair are "ideally matched", sharing an "addiction to smoking, cosmetic self-improvement procedures and social media".
Or as Magwatch calls it, smelling of smoke, texting constantly and pouring bleach on your teeth.
Madonna has a new boyfriend, actor Timor Steffens. New Idea says the 26-year-old is "different" from her previous partners because he has a "very good brain on his shoulders, he's not just a pretty face".
Pictured half-nude with a towel over his shoulder, Steffens absolutely gives us this vibe too. An academic on the way to the shower.