Woman's Day is verging on headline of the year with this stellar entry.
MKR: Cheesemakers' Campaign of Terror! The Truth Behind Those Cheesy Grins.
In lesser hands - TV news programs, national newspapers, New Scotland Yard - this story's discovery of a systematic reign of cheese-based fear would compel a visit from the authorities.
''Sir, madam, we are here to investigate reports of Brie-vous bodily harm. Best you come quietly.''
WD's definition of ''campaign of terror'' is however milder.
A Colby perhaps. Or a light Dutch Edam.
The terrifying ''truth'' is contestants Annie and Jason Chesworth (a surname crying out for more ''e''s), who are said to be ''hiding cookbooks and equipment from the other contestants''. And that's it. Stealthily secreting recipe manuals and egg whisks to win the big prize.
Move over Jack the Ripper.
NW is concerned about Miley Cyrus's mouth. Where, the magazine worries, has it ''been''?
This maternalistic fear comes from Cyrus's decision to gnaw on underpants thrown by fans onto stages in Los Angeles and Washington.
In a forensic investigation NW publishes a series of photographs establishing the singer's oral cavity's whereabouts of late.
The Cyrus mouth has been licking dogs, rubber horse heads, rappers, TV presenters, baby head sculptures and, as reported, random undergarments from strangers.
NW drafts in microbiology professor Charles Gerba from the University of Arizona to underline its anxieties. ''There's a 10th of a gram of faeces in the average pair of washed undies,'' according to Professor Gerba, ''and …'' And Magwatch believes it is best to stop there in the name of keeping breakfast down.
In Kardashian news, the most famous one has displeased an elderly Austrian billionaire at the opera.
WD reports Richard Lugner, an 81-year-old ''mall mogul'', paid $550,000 for Kim Kardashian to accompany him to the Vienna Opera Ball.
Kardashian allegedly ''refused to dance the Viennese waltz'' and ate ''schnitzel with her momager Kris Jenner''. When it was over Lugner reflected on chaperoning the world's most famous bottom. ''I'm relieved,'' Lugner told reporters. ''She's a bitch.''