Date: July 08 2012
A while back, a tongue-in-cheek cheat sheet made its way around the newsroom decoding the euphemisms newspapers use regularly. In it, "colourful racing identity" really meant "out-and-out crook". And someone who was "tired and emotional" was actually as sozzled as a schoolie who'd just had his first 15 Jim Beams.
I was reminded of the sheet this week as the stars let fly with phrases that could only be as sincere as one of Tiger Woods's late-night declarations of love.
There was, for instance, Inglourious Basterds actor Diane Kruger, who told Hello! magazine: "It will sound really pretentious, but when I am really busy
I forget to eat."
Anyone with an oesophagus knows what that's code for: My last two films bombed like a lead zeppelin and if I gain one more pound I'll be back doing Burger King ads with a chimp.
Then actor Alec Baldwin quit Twitter (for the second time) on Monday with the sign-off: "It's been fun." Now, the social network has long been a source of angst for Baldwin, as punters the world over have regularly attacked him for various inflammatory tweets. (For instance, the anti-gay slur he let rip with earlier this month about British-born New York Daily News editor-in-chief Colin Myler: "Ever since that English Queen took over the Daily News, they lie like the [New York] Post … ").
So, presumably, what Baldwin really meant was: It's been fun pretending that Twitter is a better source of therapy than a therapist.
It was Connor Cruise, though, who issued this week's most ingenious covert statement. Because, just three days after his father, Tom Cruise, was blindsided by wife Katie Holmes's demand for a divorce, he re-tweeted on Monday: "#LaFamilia Always. Friends Come And Go, But Family Is Forever."
Clearly left unsaid at the end of the sentence: So help me god.
Anyone who's ever slid out of a birth canal has thought it. It's only small children, though, who are usually brave enough to admit it.
Like the five-year-old girl I spotted at the beach last summer who shouted to her mate who'd just squirted her in the face with a water gun: "Sam, I'm not your sister, you can't do that! I'm your friend, not family!"
Now that's the truth. Someone get that girl a Twitter account.
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