Ten things he hates about you
Not hot ... nanna knickers a la Bridget Jones.
Some conversations get underneath people's skin more than others. As a writer, you never quite know what the rub will be and I was surprised my column on what women hate men to wear caused such a strong reaction. From men. There was emphatic defence of Lycra, shark's-tooth necklaces and waistcoats worn over shirts - which apparently members of a secret society wear as their uniform.
The reaction prompted me to turn the table on the list and give blokes a right of reply. I posed the question to the male fraternity of Facebook and Twitter, I had a beer with a couple of bookies at Flemington on Cup Day, crashed my sister's best friend's bucks party at Bondi, rang my electrician, my Dad, my brother, all of my husband's mates and, of course, my husband, who - for the record - cannot stand platform Moon Boots. The knee-high kind, favoured by girl band members and astronauts. He hates that look about as much as he hates bananas. Which is a lot.
Much of the feedback was predictable: skorts, turtlenecks, romper suits, jumpsuits, heavy lipstick, heavy make-up, no eyebrows, dresses over jeans… But there were a few surprises, too: happy shoes, noisy jewellery, toe cleavage, tube tops, padded bras (false advertising), fake fur and over-sized sunglasses.
'Poo pants' Photo: Fiona Morris
As with the fairer version, a theme eventually emerged. So here, with no scientific qualification whatsoever and in the voice of my male nom de plume, Paul Happy, are the Top Ten Things Men Hate About Your Wardrobe.
1. High Waisted Jeans: That pouchy bit between the bottom of the zipper and the button… when you turn side on, it looks like you’ve strapped a denim hot dog around your waist.
2. Gladiator Sandals: These don’t make you look like Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy), they make you look like Russell Crowe.
3. Leggings: I always hear women talking about leggings and that they shouldn’t be worn as pants but those women are usually wearing leggings as pants. Here’s what we think: They don’t suit you. Not at the gym. Not at the shops. Not anywhere there are men.
4. Granny underwear: What? There is a reason it’s called GRANNY underwear.
5. Capri Pants/Pedal Pushers: You look like a deck hand from the First Fleet. What happened to the fabric on the bottom of your pants? Is that what they make scrunchies out of?
6. The Jersey/Geordie Shore Look: Tight mini skirt, fake hair, orange tan, spiders where your eyelashes should be… If you’re not wrapped around a pole and this describes what you’ve got on right now, then you look like you should be wrapped around a pole.
7. Dungarees/Overalls: Oh look! It's a life size version of Jemima from Play School.
8. Our Stuff: My jeans, my shirt, my boxers – the person who told you that men like seeing women in their clothing was someone called Cosmopolitan. Give it back. It’s not sexy and, also, it’s mine.
9. Animal Print: This is to fabric what Christy Turlington is to supermodels – we don’t get it. I’m sure its beautiful but you look like the sofa at my Aunt Lisa’s house.
10. a) Cargo pants: I don’t understand why you think that green, army issue pants made to protect soldiers fighting in extreme locations for long periods of time would be flattering worn with a pair of high heels to a bar?
10 b) Harem Pants: I don’t understand why you think that pants made famous by a male 80s pop star with only one bad hit song would be flattering worn with high heels to a bar?
10 c) Poo Catcher Pants: I don’t understand why you think pants that start with the word 'poo' would be flattering worn with high heels at a bar?
I’m giving the last word to Yves Saint Laurent whose sentiment echoes that of most men when it comes to women and our clothes. He said: “Over the years I have learned that what is important in a dress is the woman who is wearing it.”
And that is why we love you.