There is nothing that stirs our nation's soul more than Australia Day. From hoisting flags to baking pavs, we get as busy as a blowy at a Barbie.
But while Australia Day is a delicious gastronomic event designed to relish and indulge in, sartorially it is most certainly not. It's a hard-core, you-beaut national disaster - the one-day of the year when string bikinis, Stubbies and nail art are the height of fashion.
Like a virus, it spreads to every beach, every city, and permeates Australia Day barbeques across the land. It goes off like a frog-in-a-sock. For those of us not participating in this non-fashion activity, it's confusing, distressing and hard-on-the-eyes. Frankly it's all a bit crook. Like a bilby in the headlights, we watch, stunned and ask ourselves why. WHY?
We get it - you love Australia, and you aren't afraid to express it. Whilst we'd tip our Akubras (if we owned one) and admire your undying devotion to your country, perhaps we could agree not to display it in such an anti-fashion. Because let's face it; you're having a Barry Crocker. Here's how.
Aussie flag bikini
One of the least favourite expressions of patriotism is the annual outing of the Aussie flag bikini. Worn by all shapes and sizes, it suits nobody. Neither does the cowboy or umbrella hat you have chosen to wear with it. It screams B-O-G-A-N. There I said it. Australian women are known for their natural beach beauty, so let's resolve to swapping this madness for a stylish Aussie-designed cozzie, and call it a day.
Flag nail art
Nail art is, at the best of times, hard to un-see. Little flags, marsupials and opera houses, more so. Especially when they are wrapped around a stubby cooler. Let's stick to a block colour please. Red is in our flag - wear red!
A perfectly cute DIY for the under-12 set; except when applied to their necks. Buy in bulk and let them at it.
It is hard to understand at what point one considers tinsel hair a good idea. Seriously, I wouldn't touch it with a 40-foot pole. There is simply nothing worse. Except for a green and gold synthetic afro. If these are your only hair options, you have got the wrong end of the pineapple. Wear a hat.
So what the bloody hell should you wear you ask?
Let's ditch the cheap and nasty merchandise, and invest in sartorial tributes that are Australian and worth celebrating.
Then slap on some thongs, turn up Aussie Crawl and sink your teeth into a pie.
Let's leave the dress-ups to Edna and celebrate Straya Day in style. Hooroo!