It's only February, but frontrunner for the International Hero of the Year 2017 has to be California resident Gayle McCormick, who put a giant check next to her own name when she decided to leave her husband of 22 years because he supported Donald Trump.
In case you were wondering, walking out on a two decades long marriage because you've found out your husband parenthetically hates women is the correct answer.
The baller move happened after McCormick's husband "casually mentioned" last year that he was planning on voting for a clown-baby with a Twitter addiction and a raging case of narcissism to be given the key to the White House and access to the nuclear codes that go with it.
"I felt like I had been fooling myself," McCormick told The Independent. "It opened up areas between us I had not faced before. I realised how far I had gone in my life to accept things I would have never accepted when I was younger."
So how do you celebrate dumping the person you've vowed to stand by for better or worse, through sickness and in health, 'til death do you part – after you discover they are not in fact the person you thought they were, but rather a few gallons of fermenting pond scum stuffed into a human-shaped suit?
Short of spending the rest of your life inebriated while attempting to scrub every last remnant of their DNA from your skin, you have a few options for party fun times. And because today is Valentine's Day, we thought we'd share some examples of how you can romance yourself now that you've got rid of literally the worst person you've ever let see you naked.
1. Join a women's only Vaudeville troupe
It's well established that Trump considers women to be an inferior species to him, which is a frankly impossible state of being to occupy. One of the genius elements of Melissa McCarthy's brilliant Saturday Night Live portrayal of White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is the fact that it'll burn Trump's crumpets so bad (tremendously bad burns, the worst burns) to have one of his inner circle mocked so savagely not just by a woman, but by a fat woman.
Last weekend's show had Kate McKinnon join the party by impersonating recently appointed Old White Guy, Jeff Sessions, in the role of Attorney-General. Rosie O'Donnell (noted enemy of Trump) has indicated she'd be happy to dress up as Steve Bannon, a portrayal that might just cause the few remaining brain cells in the hollow mountain cavern that doubles as Trump's skull to implode. So why not join in? Travel the country and mock the President while it's still constitutionally legal to do so. The best part is that his Twitter account will keep you in material for months, which almost certainly promises to be longer than his presidency lasts for.
2. Visit an abortion clinic with care packages
One of the things McCormick's husband would have been supporting by voting for Trump was the mandate to further erode women's reproductive healthcare rights. Of course, as a (presumably) cisgender, heterosexual man, abortion access is irrelevant to him because he'll never be forced to have a baby against his will. Ditto Trump – although I would bet one million farms that he's certainly paid for a few and demanded even more than that.
Thumb your nose at your ex-bonehead and his clown baby boy crush by becoming a kind of abortion clinic Santa. Bring chocolates, wine and T-shirts that say "I'M NUMBER ONE AND THAT AIN'T BAD" and hand them out to clients in front of the woman-hating protesters that devote hours to waving offensively misleading placards at vulnerable people instead of doing a single, solitary thing to positively affect the lives of underprivileged children who are actually alive.
3. Visit Lacuna, Inc to have your memory wiped
There's a place you can go that takes care of these kinds of things. It's not really advertised, but if you ask enough people then eventually you begin to piece together where it is and what it does. And there's nothing to really worry about with it because it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Basically a couple of science nerds will come over to your house one night equipped with information you've given the head doc about your now-regrettable relationship. They then put you into a deep sleep and begin the simple, not at all painful, entirely reasonable process of deleting every last memory you have of the person whose touch now makes you want to reach down your throat and remove your own spleen. Come morning, you'll have no idea that you made the biggest mistake of your life with a person whose judgment is clearly so impaired they shouldn't be allowed to operate a can opener let alone vote for a world leader.
Of course, all of this is ripped straight from the plot of a Hollywood movie. But then, so was the Bowling Green Massacre and Trump voters still believe that happened.