Too much of the wrong sort of activity in the bedroom isn't healthy.

Too much of the wrong sort of activity in the bedroom isn't healthy.

Married people, or people who have been married and got burned, like to moan about how their sex life walked out the door as they walked up the aisle. Frankly, such feelings scream ‘copout’. Chastity is hardly a condition of matrimony. In fact, even the more conservative, faith-focused ‘I doers’ will tell you marriage is the blessing to go forth and prosper. But I digress.

The real point is that amorous, frequent, lusty-gutsy sex in long-term, monogamous relationships tends to trend down as the years together go up. There are myriad reasons for this, including breakdowns in communication, arrival of children, and the so-called ‘familiarity-fizzer’. Yet there’s one point that I’d like to draw attention to that rarely gets airspace, largely because people would prefer to blame anything but their own behaviour.

That point is this: If the bedroom is not being used to make love, then what are you using it for?

Reasons as to why sex shouldn’t be limited to master suites aside, let’s all agree that the majority of intimate opportunities occur within those walls. Now, let’s look at what else is going on there. There’s sleeping, for a start, and the activities preceding sleep.

And it’s these activities worth talking about. Because more often than not, particularly in this world of distractions, what you’re doing in bed that isn’t sex is actually contributing to why you’re not having sex.

Witness the sexless marital chamber of ‘Bob and Shirley’. Both work full time jobs. Both have smartphones. They live in a nice house, with a big bed, and a television in the bedroom. They go to bed to unwind, relax, sleep, and prepare for the day ahead. Sometimes, Bob will watch TV while Shirley checks her emails, or reads a book – maybe on her tablet. Bob might tweet while watching the tele, simultaneously checking the footy scores. Eventually, one will switch off their bedside lamp. And the other may follow, not always straight after.

In the dark, Bob and Shirley might kiss each other goodnight. They might have a snuggle-cuddle, and they might think that sex would be nice. But they know big days lie ahead. They’re somewhat distracted by whatever it was they were doing before lights out. So they both profess their love, and privately resolve to be less unfocused and sexier tomorrow.

But it doesn’t happen. And then it’s Friday, and they’re exhausted/knock-off drunk/at the footy, before being hung-over/busy on Saturday. On Sunday, they’ll have a go, they think. But then they fall into bed, the phone rings, and the tele beckons, and Bob and Shirley forget about all their good intentions...

Now, some may read this and think the study a tad extreme. Truth is it is a rough amalgamation of more than a few emails and conversations had with readers and friends, of various ages, from various places, and in various stages of their relationship. And while it seems rough, the damage not irrevocable. In fact, it’s quite simple.

If you want more love-making, make more space and time for love!

Sex advice often calls on couples to ‘spice things up’, and that’s all well and good. However sometimes keeping it simple is the most straightforward path to success. Leave the distractions at the door, refocus on your partner, on your priorities, and put yourself in a position where sex isn’t only preferable, it’s altogether possible.

Don’t you agree?

What do you do to keep your love-life going? Have you got any tips or tricks for keeping things fresh?

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kfeeney@fairfaxmedia.com.au