A new range of chocolate bars have exposed the pleasure I get from food porn.
Reality TV, Fifty Shades of Grey, Collingwood season tickets – all things which constitute guilty pleasures – my secret is that I like to shop for porn – food porn.
I love supermarkets – any excuse to write lists, peruse the well lit aisles and sneak in a cheeky grape/pistachio sample really floats my HMAS Rampant Consumerism.
I come from simple stock. Without fail every night before bed my dad drinks a glass of fresh cow's milk. So while I stick to a pretty "clean" (read: bland) diet, partially because my taste buds suffered irreversible damage as a tween from the world's most overrated meal (apricot chicken) I like to sometimes indulge in underrated food stuffs.
The humble sausage roll - a party wrapped in pastry according to MasterChef contestant Rachel McSweeney.
So it pleases me that lately I've noticed a change in what constitutes a "#nomnom" adjective for dishes splashed across Instagram and boasted about on Twitter and Facebook. Fancy morsels worthy of Michelin stars have been replaced with supermarket grade sugary goods.
The catalyst for this shift from high brow dining to monobrow grade munchies came from chocolate bars that are "Marvellous Creations" containing jelly popping candy beans and crunchie peanut cookies.
"Could easily eat the whole block," one health and fitness loving friend commented after she posted a photo of 290 grams of the stuff.
The Kardashians of food
Ice Magic: it's tempered chocolate in a bottle.
"Hello new favourite addiction," another four touted via SMS and status updates.
Forget fromage, can the consommé talk and pass on the parfait, here's a shopping list of secret supermarket shame aka the food version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians – you love it, even though you know it's trash.
Country Cheese biscuits
Toasted cheese sandwiches without the manual labour of cutting cheese and waiting for the sandwich press to warm up.
Viennetta ice cream
You knew eating all the peas on your plate were worth it when you heard the crush of the thin chocolate layers crunching and the slices were popped out of the plastic tray into the dessert glasses only used for "special occasions".
Milk drinks in a carton
Almost as notorious as plumbers cracks on building sites – flavoured milk is fun and convenient when it comes in a carton. It is the Pippa Middleton to protein shakes which are more like the responsible and respected Kate Middleton.
Forget Facebook shares, I want in on the "red can". I'm yet to meet a man who won't drink it. Interestingly since the booze content was dropped to 4.4 per cent, a 375mL can contains 135 calories – that's 131 less than a comparable glass of Champagne.
If a date is going really badly, order this for dessert.
Each fluffy pillow is like 10 hot chips in one mouthful.
Pride and Prejudice's Jane Bennet of the confectionary world, generally only given credit when the pickings are slim. Like, for example, on a university campus or hospital, generally purchased from a vending machine after midnight.
Childhood (and diabetes) in a bag – I remember shoving handfuls of these in my mouth while watching Round The Twist and writing fan letters to Taylor Hanson and Luke Perry.
My first "friend with benefits" mate and I enjoyed numerous cups of Vienna while watching late night Rage and listening to Pearl Jam. A hug in a mug.
Ice Magic topping
The Rolls Royce of ice cream toppings. Whenever it was on the menu you knew the episode of A Country Practice you'd watch later would be a cracker.
Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the ingredients of this, however just try and be sad when it's served to you between two slices of white bread with tomato sauce and cut into quarters.
Dixie Drumsticks/Chicken In A Biskit
Healthier than chips and far more exciting due to the interesting shapes and incorrect spelling.
There is a Facebook campaign called "50,000 likes to get Kole Beer Australia wide" so others can experience the medicinal qualities it has for a hangover. So far 56 people have decided this is a good idea.
Ice Cream cakes
Cupcakes and macaroons will come and go – this is a birthday in a box.
Ham & Cheese pizza
Dear take-away conglomerates who thought it was a good idea to make a crust out of cheeseburgers and put pear on a pizza, no one outside of Bondi cares just stick to the basics.
Like Kole Beer, these sweet buns each filled with 2 litres of mayo and suspect chicken heated in a microwave can actually cure Saturday and Sunday seediness* (*this may not be true).
When following a recipe double it and eat the second helping. These dots are so small (and tasty) they're basically exempt of calories.
The Clint Eastwood of the servo ice cream fridge – classic, simple, rich and quite the quiet achiever.
It's the gift the keeps on giving – the smell (just don't burn it) and sound is awesome and you can eat it in the comfort of your own home wearing a Snuggie, track suit pants and Ugg boots and not be judged.
Saturday breakfast before we were old enough to order Eggs Benedict and a Bloody Mary.
My dad's said it once and I’ll say it again – a sausage roll wouldn't go astray.
Rachel McSweeney from series three of MasterChef agrees with me and shared her recipe so I would stop buying them from the frozen foods section.
2 kilograms sausage mince
1 cup breadcrumbs
1 tablespoon crushed garlic
1 tablespoon cracked pepper
1 bunch parsley, finely chopped
3 carrots, grated
3 potatoes, grated
2 onions, grated
1 large zucchini, grated
10 sheets frozen puff pastry
1 egg extra, lightly beaten for glazing
In a large mixing bowl combine sausage mince, eggs, breadcrumbs, garlic, pepper, parsley, carrots, potatoes, onions and zucchini. Use your hands and mix well. Lay out sheets of puff pastry on kitchen bench, with a knife cut each sheet in half lengthways.
Brush one edge with the extra beaten egg using a pastry brush. Roll pastry into a long cylinder and cut each into eight 3cm bite size portions.
Place onto greased baking trays and cut or mark tops with a fork, glaze with beaten egg.Bake in a hot oven for approx 20 minutes until golden.
What’s your guilty food pleasure? What meals or snacks remind you of your childhood or special times in your life?
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This post is not a paid or unpaid endorsement for any of the products photographed and spoken about. The author also acknowledges the items listed here are “sometimes” foods.