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Fantasies fulfilled, one night at a time

Date
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“One-night stands are the best way to live out your sexual fantasies.”

I didn’t agree, but decided to hear him out anyway.

“There are probably about five fantasies I’m keen to explore during my life,” he said. “I’d like to shag in public, I’d like to try bondage, I want to try group sex, I want to try costumes and I want to do it the way they do it, but with someone like that.”

He had nodded his head towards a gay couple in a bid to keep the conversation relatively cafe-friendly. The ‘‘that’’, in this case, was a beautiful blonde woman passing by on her morning coffee run. It was going to be one of those breakfasts. I got comfortable.

“See, with a one-night stand, you don’t owe them anything. You don’t have to be sensitive to future plans. You can do exactly what you want to do, no inhibitions, because it’s not like you’re trying to build a relationship with them, and you’re worried your freaky sex dreams will go over the wrong way.”

I elected not to tell him that, in my seven years as a sex writer, the freakishness he was so proud of wasn’t really so far out. On a fantasy scale, they were pretty tame. But he raised an interesting point. Is it easier to explore the possibilities of your erotic imagination with someone you barely know? Is a person with no prior knowledge, and no preconceived notions, the best fantasy-sex buddy you can get? Or are you better off with someone you can trust – someone you love?

Let’s consider the one-night stand, a common experience these days. You meet, you talk – usually you drink – then the playground is negotiated, and the play ensues. There’s enough trust to make it to this stage, there’s enough mutual attraction as well – there’s probably also enough inhibition-blocking booze in your system to push out prudish notions of propriety. So why not suggest slipping into something a little more latex-y. Why not put to bed a fantasy as you go to bed with your one-night-only lover? You’re planning to never see them again – so what have you got to lose?

I can see the reason. I can see the cold logic. But I can’t get excited about the idea. It seems too much like the behaviour of a brutal user. Sex shouldn’t be so selfish. Are one-night stands anything but?

Of course, there’s a real chance you’re both up for the activity proposed. We are talking about two consenting adults here, two people who agree they want to shag each other, and aren’t so hung up on the morning-after routine.

Maybe, for example, they hooked-up online with the sole purpose of finding sex-fantasy fulfilment. Indeed, if you’ve orchestrated such an occasion, please feel free to share your story in the comment section below.

But my chum isn’t talking about that. He’s talking about putting it out there and seeing what comes back. If there’s a bite, it’s game on. Congratulations, you’ve found a willing accomplice – do the deed and don’t worry about the consequences.

Except, consequences can be good. Consequences can lead to growth. Avoiding addressing a sex fantasy with your partner for fear of consequences could be a bigger mistake than thinking only strangers can satisfy your wildest dreams. Imagine, if you can’t already relate, the wonderful pleasure of knowing that your partner not only wants you to reveal your dreams, but wants to help you realise them too?

Some of the best relationships I’ve ever known work because the people within them are deeply committed to making the other happy. They are honest with each other. They are aware of each other’s needs and desires. They are open to trying new things. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work – but at least they went there. They love each other enough to move on. And, hey, they know each other enough to see when they might be on to something they both want, that works, and only gets better with exploration. The kind of exploration you can only do if you’re with someone for longer than just one night.

Yet I know there are people in relationships who feel they’ll never fulfil their fantasies because their partner will never understand. Just as there are people who are single, and would love to meet a stranger for the sake of wild experimentation, but feel they can’t, because it’s too far out of their comfort zone. In these situations, sometimes the pleasure is in the fantasy alone. Dreams don’t have to be realised to be enjoyed.

They’re still worth chasing though.

Don’t you agree?

The question remains, how?

Katherine Feeney is a journalist with the Nine Network Australia.

Twitter: @katherinefeeney

katherine.f.feeney@gmail.com

66 comments

  • Who's got time for living out their fantasies during a one night stand?

    I'm far too overcome with the excitement and disbelief that it might actually be happening and can't wait to get it over with so I can rush home and spend the next three months fondly reminiscing about the incident.

    Commenter
    Vasily Zaytsev
    Date and time
    March 28, 2014, 12:24AM
    • Haha a lot of truth in that! I'm still running on the fumes of a impromptu screw with a sexy Parisian girl 25 years ago. We shared some wine, didn't have two english words to rub together so jumped over the wrought iron fence at the Sacre Coeur to rub two other things together. Ah yes, I love it when the one-night stand becomes the fantasy.

      Commenter
      Wonder what shes doing now
      Location
      Brisbane
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 8:51AM
    • I don't think you're doing it right...

      Commenter
      Luke16
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 9:18AM
    • @Wonder what shes doing now

      "jumped over the wrought iron fence at the Sacre Coeur to rub two other things together"

      What did you rub together?

      Type slowly, I'm taking notes...

      Commenter
      Malik the magic sheep
      Location
      Perth
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 10:23AM
  • Hi KitCat

    I am not sure that the one night stand get you to fulfil your fantasies, well maybe for some, but it would seem hard to me as an example to mix in bondage like your friend said (more on that later) the other person might get a bit creeped out if you try and tie them up, as it assumes that you have the necessary skill and equipment.

    You asked for examples of fulfilling fantasies, i tend to identify the fantasy put it on a bucket list and then go do it, at the tame end there is a plane out of WA where i joined the mile high club, but to your friends point or fantasy when i wanted to explore BDSM i went along to a dungeon in Sydney - Salon Kitty's (now closed and paid a professional, this i thought was safe, and a better outcome as they knew what they were doing, not only did i get to play out my fantasy i got to learn more about the subject and have subsequently included BDSM in other sexual encounters.

    best regards

    JB

    Commenter
    JerZabel
    Date and time
    March 28, 2014, 12:38AM
    • I agree - BDSM could be way to risky on a One Night Stand! The consequences could be disastrous.
      If you really want to push your limits, trust, which is developed over time is crucial.

      Commenter
      G
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 12:37PM
    • I dont know. In the aftermath of 50 Shades, I've often wondered how you can do some bondage or '50 Shades' type activity at night (when, for one person, they are the submissive) and then, the morning after, have the submissive tell the other person 'pick up your wet towel'.

      It would have to affect the power balance in the relationship. I mean, if you do it once as a 'lets see what happens', probably not. But in that situation it will involve people doing it in the context of preserving the existing power set up, which by definition makes the BDSM only a 'lite' version of what it is meant to be.

      On the other hand, with a person you trust but dont need to be nice to the next morning, its much more realistic. I agree the 'trust' thing is probably an issue. Pick a nice friend who you dont see that often...

      Commenter
      asdf
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 1:02PM
  • I would say that only some of your sexual fantasies are ideally suited to a one-night-stand scenario. Group sex would likely fall into that category. Ditto sex in public. But bondage? No. That requires far too much trust to get into with someone you don't really know. If things go wrong the consequences can be too horrible to consider.

    Personally I'm not much for one-night-stands. I've had them but find them ultimately far less satisfying than exploring my kinky side with someone I've been seeing more long-term. And some fantasies, quite honestly, are better as fantasies. I don't have to do everything I've ever dreamed about in order to be satisfied with my sex life.

    Commenter
    TK
    Date and time
    March 28, 2014, 1:46AM
    • I think that anything that concerns the exploration of my sexual fantasies is best conducted solely and “soul-ly” with my husband where I know there is already a great deal of love, respect, and trust. If something doesn’t go just right, I am grateful that there’s the possibility of a “next time” or a “do over”, something people don’t always get with a one-night stand.

      Commenter
      All Heart
      Date and time
      March 28, 2014, 2:46AM
      • I quit one night stands when my bunny got boiled.

        Commenter
        Malik the magic sheep
        Location
        Perth
        Date and time
        March 28, 2014, 5:13AM

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