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Forget about the what - sex toys are all about the how

Date
Buying sex toys is only half the battle.

Buying sex toys is only half the battle.

We’ve just had Christmas, which is code for Capitalist-mess for some people. For others, it’s a time of genuine gift-giving (emphasis on the giving, as writ). Hopefully, y’all were all good boys and girls and took deliverance of some toys. And by toys I do mean sex aids.

Now, as above, some of you will think things that go buzz in the bed represent little more than the exploitative nature of consumerism (you need to buy stuff to get off). Others will regard them with a mixture of nonchalant approval and cheek-warming affection.

Unlike school-based sex-ed, the learning here was less birds and bees and more get pleasure and please 

But there will also be those among you who see sex toys as vile, grotesque, offensive instruments of very deviant sexual behaviour. To you, dear reader, I say “pah!”.

And,

“Sex toys are awesome fun!”

Qualified by,

“When used correctly...”

(There’s today’s most important c-word).

Because the sad and very sorry truth is this: Folks aren’t just wrong-footed about the what, but the how. How do you use them? How do you find them? How do you introduce the very concept of couples' dildos or nipple clips or silk bonds to a relationship without causing red cheeks (pardon the paddle pun).

A recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy gives us a good indication of where things stand. Positing that positive sex education is good but limited to youth, the researchers sought to establish whether the growing trend of at-home sex-toy parties could keep the ball rolling into adulthood.

Unsurprisingly, it was agreed these parties “enriched” the sexual experiences of attendees by providing the opportunity to learn in a non-traditional setting. Of course unlike school-based sex-ed, the learning here was less birds and bees and more get pleasure and please.

What’s more, the study found a positive correlation between toy-use and enjoyment of sex, leading the authors to suggest the “modification” of negative beliefs about toy use may improve sexual experience.

“... because women who use vibrators while simultaneously endorsing negative beliefs report significantly reduced sexual experiences, while women who endorse positive beliefs during use report significantly enhanced sexual experiences.”

Yes, this study was focused on women. So many are, presumably because men don’t have a problem with sex toys... which of course is a vile, grotesque, offensive assumption.

If we can accept that sex toys are good for sex lives, when handled in a positive environment, we can also accept that handling the problem of "hows" is a battle for both genders.

So.

How 1: Using them

This isn’t about practical application inasmuch as positive presentation. Yes, it’s important to read the instructions, but you’re never going to enjoy it if you’re using sex toys for the wrong reasons. To wit, because you feel you have to, because you reckon everyone else is, because you think without toys the sex - and your reputation as a sex minx – will be ruined. As said, and as our study shows, using sex toys is great in the right context, one that is positive and geared towards pleasure, not negative and soaked in performance anxiety. Sex toys are sex aides; they’re not the whole shebang.

How 2: Finding them

You can get great toys online. Or off. But be mindful the key to success here is "positive experience". Any couple nervous about the whole sex-toy-thing would be ill-advised to stroll into one of those big, bright, tacky, shove-our-gaudy-product-down-your-throat style sex stores and expect happy results. I’d try buying discretely from a nice e-boutique or enjoying a sexier shopping experience at a shop that trades on sensuality not just sex.

How 3: Introducing them

Here’s where I want to turn it over to you. How have you introduced sex toys into your relationship? Or have you always wanted to, but haven’t quite managed? Have you been scared to broach the subject because of the reaction you’ll get? Have you overcome your fears and found some serious satisfaction?

Or perhaps you think the whole sex-toy-thing is a load of commercial garbage designed to make us feel inadequate (the last thing anyone needs to feel in bed, or in life) ...

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136 comments so far

  • Some questions: who gets the sex toy's in the event of a break-up? and do you have to go out and get new ones if you start a new relationship? (some of the stuff requiring a wall socket can get very expensive)

    Do the same rules apply for full size sex furniture?

    And if you've done all you can to assure a partner 'it's clean' are you being unreasonalble are are they just being prudes?

    Commenter
    Alastair
    Date and time
    January 25, 2013, 2:06AM
    • Sorry, yes, new sex toys are required if you switch partners. I don't know if it could ever be clean enough...

      Commenter
      TK
      Date and time
      January 25, 2013, 9:18AM
    • @ Alastair

      Dunno about who gets what, but...

      First rule in sex - it should always be a jointly shared (ad)venture. If she is unconvinced, then despite your fantasies, it'll never work.

      I'm not on the same page as Kate on this one. Yes, we've tried a range of sex toys, and frankly they did little other than tittilate and satisfy hedonistic inquiry.

      If one learns how to appropriately use what we were born with, sex toys pale into insignificance.

      I do think that many young folk exploring their sexuality tend to see sex as a bit of foreplay and then a bit of grinding. In those cases, the desire to explore sex toys may be seen as a search for something more to the limited sexual behaviour.

      Kate, instead of some plastic gismo, get your partner to enter you and stay still. You use your pelvic muscles to 'produce' his climax. Alternatively, ask him to use his appendage to enter you and stimulate you to your satisfaction - and before he 'comes' he is to withdraw. Repeat till you both master the art. In either case, I suggest you'll get more enjoyment than a plastic gizmo.

      Alastair, get some talcum powder and sprinkle some on your partner (lying on her tum). Not a lot, just enough to enable you to softly massage her from neck to toe (avoiding the arousal bits). Ask her to roll over and you return up her body. Once completed, gently seek her support for you to arouse those special parts. As you explore, talk to each other about what 'works' and what doesn't. I suggest any 'toys' will be far from your mind.

      Cheers

      Commenter
      Dalliance
      Date and time
      January 25, 2013, 9:32AM
    • A guy I knew replaced his bed with each new relationship, and he insisted on buying a new bed for any new girlfriend.

      Commenter
      John
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      January 25, 2013, 10:03AM
    • @ Dalliance:

      In your comment to Alastair, I believe your are you refering to the "art of pompoir".

      But in reference to your second suggestion, were you refering to "tease and denial"?

      Commenter
      piper
      Date and time
      January 25, 2013, 11:22AM
    • What would a man do with his ex's dildo? Would it take pride of place in his tool box or mantle piece? As the new lady might find it interesting that a man has a dildo at home, I think it would be best to start from fresh and buy new toys according to how the next relationship pans out.

      Commenter
      Torch
      Date and time
      January 25, 2013, 3:44PM
    • @ Dalliance

      "If one learns how to appropriately use what we were born with, sex toys pale into insignificance."

      If one learns how to appropriately use what we were born with, sex can become awesome and sex toys can be an extension of that.

      Commenter
      chameleon
      Location
      Brisbane
      Date and time
      January 26, 2013, 2:50AM
    • @John, changing the entire bed is a bit extreme, maybe your 'friend' had a penchant for squirters ?

      Commenter
      Greg Groovey
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      February 05, 2013, 4:18PM
    • I use to change my sheets every time I got a new partner. (Or recycled an old one).

      Well when I say changed I mean washed. Every couple of months like clockwork :-)

      And she keeps all the toys.

      Commenter
      Bob
      Date and time
      February 18, 2013, 10:17PM
    • @Bob - when you say 'change your sheets' do you mean to say that is the only time you changed/washed your bedding? When you got a new girlfriend?
      Or do you mean you bought new sheets?

      Commenter
      Lex
      Location
      Sydney
      Date and time
      February 22, 2013, 7:59PM

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