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No time for sex? Then make the time

Too much of the wrong sort of activity in the bedroom isn't healthy.

Too much of the wrong sort of activity in the bedroom isn't healthy.

Married people, or people who have been married and got burned, like to moan about how their sex life walked out the door as they walked up the aisle. Frankly, such feelings scream ‘copout’. Chastity is hardly a condition of matrimony. In fact, even the more conservative, faith-focused ‘I doers’ will tell you marriage is the blessing to go forth and prosper. But I digress.

The real point is that amorous, frequent, lusty-gutsy sex in long-term, monogamous relationships tends to trend down as the years together go up. There are myriad reasons for this, including breakdowns in communication, arrival of children, and the so-called ‘familiarity-fizzer’. Yet there’s one point that I’d like to draw attention to that rarely gets airspace, largely because people would prefer to blame anything but their own behaviour.

That point is this: If the bedroom is not being used to make love, then what are you using it for?

Reasons as to why sex shouldn’t be limited to master suites aside, let’s all agree that the majority of intimate opportunities occur within those walls. Now, let’s look at what else is going on there. There’s sleeping, for a start, and the activities preceding sleep.

And it’s these activities worth talking about. Because more often than not, particularly in this world of distractions, what you’re doing in bed that isn’t sex is actually contributing to why you’re not having sex.

Witness the sexless marital chamber of ‘Bob and Shirley’. Both work full time jobs. Both have smartphones. They live in a nice house, with a big bed, and a television in the bedroom. They go to bed to unwind, relax, sleep, and prepare for the day ahead. Sometimes, Bob will watch TV while Shirley checks her emails, or reads a book – maybe on her tablet. Bob might tweet while watching the tele, simultaneously checking the footy scores. Eventually, one will switch off their bedside lamp. And the other may follow, not always straight after.

In the dark, Bob and Shirley might kiss each other goodnight. They might have a snuggle-cuddle, and they might think that sex would be nice. But they know big days lie ahead. They’re somewhat distracted by whatever it was they were doing before lights out. So they both profess their love, and privately resolve to be less unfocused and sexier tomorrow.

But it doesn’t happen. And then it’s Friday, and they’re exhausted/knock-off drunk/at the footy, before being hung-over/busy on Saturday. On Sunday, they’ll have a go, they think. But then they fall into bed, the phone rings, and the tele beckons, and Bob and Shirley forget about all their good intentions...

Now, some may read this and think the study a tad extreme. Truth is it is a rough amalgamation of more than a few emails and conversations had with readers and friends, of various ages, from various places, and in various stages of their relationship. And while it seems rough, the damage not irrevocable. In fact, it’s quite simple.

If you want more love-making, make more space and time for love!

Sex advice often calls on couples to ‘spice things up’, and that’s all well and good. However sometimes keeping it simple is the most straightforward path to success. Leave the distractions at the door, refocus on your partner, on your priorities, and put yourself in a position where sex isn’t only preferable, it’s altogether possible.

Don’t you agree?

What do you do to keep your love-life going? Have you got any tips or tricks for keeping things fresh?

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kfeeney@fairfaxmedia.com.au

 

 

 

220 comments so far

  • Yes I do agree with your article! In my case our sex life is average (once or twice a week). Sometimes less, but we do make an effort to make the time for ourselves. I have found (in our case) miscommunication is our cause. This miscommunication (misreading signs and signals) comes from both of us! We have busy lives. My partner works nights shifts and I work day shifts. It is different for every arrangement? We also have 7 (seven) children and 7 grandchildren. This is not the cause, but still it's a busy life! I make an effort as does my partner. I leave discreet little love notes and try to leave subtle hints. Sometimes a txt, sometimes it's direct, verbally. I do like to leave rose petals on the bed and light the candlesfor her, but I do make an effort. Sometimes it's not all a bed of roses (lol) and failure is there but that's life, get on with it - get over it. It's all good! She is the one I love and worth the effort! She is the only one for me. My friend, my lover, and partner in everything we do. So respect, consideration, make an effort, but keep doing IT!

    Commenter
    thisisme
    Location
    i am here
    Date and time
    May 23, 2012, 7:36AM
    • Respect indeed! That was the first word that came to my mind when I read your comment. Respect for both of you!

      Commenter
      bornagirl
      Location
      Melbourne
      Date and time
      May 23, 2012, 9:25AM
    • .........twice a week??????!!!?!?!?!?!?

      that's great.
      Here I am being told at home that twice a month is way and above more than sufficient.............?
      I should go and work for the HSU and get some!

      ......twice a week?...that must be a typing error..........

      Commenter
      used to be
      Location
      on the horizon
      Date and time
      May 23, 2012, 1:17PM
    • Once or twice a week and you have a grandchildren.

      Le sigh.

      Commenter
      the digger
      Date and time
      May 23, 2012, 8:46PM
    • @ used to be. No typo. Just the way we are with each other. 54yo - partner nearly 50. It is possible. She is a gorgeous woman and I'm a lucky man lol. I did marry the right one!!!

      Commenter
      thisisme
      Location
      i am here
      Date and time
      May 24, 2012, 9:39AM
    • I am so glad your comment was the first one to make it through. What a positive, life affirming comment! Thanks

      Commenter
      Babette
      Location
      Brunswick
      Date and time
      May 24, 2012, 4:28PM
    • @ Babette - Thank for those kind words. i (as a male) do try everything I can to make her my priority. This is sometimes hard (but doable). She is a very strong independent woman and so very smart - intuitive? Think tha's the word I'm looking for. She rarely asks for help. This means my crytals balls need to be atuned to her way of thinking. I believe I am successful most times and others I am way off the mark! But it all gets sorted without to much drama. We have a good life together. There are many women out there similar to my partner. Pebbles are so easy to find, found everywhere. Diamonds are precious and very hard to find. I found a diamond. I think the saying goes something like that?

      Commenter
      thisisme
      Location
      i am here
      Date and time
      May 25, 2012, 7:11AM
  • Dunno if I'm qualified to respond, seeing as not really been in what I term as LTR but yes, I'd say you need to make an effort to keep things bubbling along. Unless you decide as a couple that sex is not that important you, you have to make it a priority, or else life just gets in the way.

    Commenter
    She-Raz
    Date and time
    May 23, 2012, 8:08AM
    • The "deciding as a couple" bit is where most problems start. If only one half of the couple decides it unimportant, the ohter half has to try and convince themselves that it isn't really important. But it is. Really.

      Commenter
      dude
      Date and time
      May 23, 2012, 12:45PM
  • Fark. The Bob and Shirley description just hit a little too close to home. Is the recent arrival of a baby a worthy excuse ... ?

    Commenter
    Hooya
    Location
    Brisbane
    Date and time
    May 23, 2012, 8:52AM

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