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Self-serving jealousy

Date
A self-helping hand can be a hinderance in a relationship.

A self-helping hand can be a hinderance in a relationship.

It’s my mate’s birthday. How about that birthday sex, I ask. I wonder if the lad he’s been seeing has hinted at something special.

“Yeah,” he says. I listen.

“I’m going to go home and treat myself.”

I baulk.

Come again?

Then I realise what he’s talking about.

His lover is out of town. He’s alone for his birthday. Does that mean missing out on celebratory sugar? No. He’ll have his cake and eat it too. All by himself. And well, why not? Birthday or no birthday, there’s nothing wrong with a little self satisfaction.

“But I’m worried,” he says. I listen, closely this time.

“I think he’s getting jealous.”

Again, my brow furrows. Jealous? How? Perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps I’ve misinterpreted the innuendo and he won’t be lonesome tonight. Perhaps he’s talking about another kind of special, secret, sexy treat.

“Why?” I ask. “Are you getting a hand from someone else?”

He laughs. He assures me he’s handy enough. But when the boy gets wind of what my mate has been up to alone, that killer bitch envy slinks in.

“Are you saying you’re new guy is green-eyed over your affair with five fingers – with your five fingers that is?”

He was.  

Curious, I thought.

Earlier this week, sex therapist Matty Silver espoused the virtues of the act many still consider a sin.

Her message? ‘There is nothing wrong with masturbation’, and of course she is right.

Yet is there something wrong with masturbation if you’re leaving your lover out?

Over the years, masturbation has begun the creep out of the awkward, embarrassing, don’t-ask, don’t-tell dark and into the public sphere.

This is a good thing insofar as it encourages an individual’s sexual self exploration, a pleasing exercise in and of itself and one that can improve sex with, y’know, other people (‘it’s better if you do it like this...’).

However masturbation is, essentially, an independent activity. Yes, it can be shared – mutual masturbation should form a hefty hunk of anyone’s sexual repertoire. Though my friend isn’t talking about sharing his pleasure, he’s talking about helping himself.

He has a high sex drive and sex isn’t always possible. Self-love doesn’t mean he loves making love to his lover any less.

But his lover doesn’t feel that way. He doesn’t come out and say it, but his actions show otherwise.

“What would he rather – I shag someone else?”

Good question, I thought.

One I’m putting to you:

What’s wrong with wanking when it comes to relationships? Is it right to be resentful of your partner’s personal pleasure-making? Or should we welcome that sort of self expression, especially if the relationship is set in the monogamous mould?

twitter  @katherinefeeney

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kfeeney@fairfaxmedia.com.au

 

**BTW, remember Nigel?

He's requested I post a response to his blog-

Do read.

Cheers,
K

 

112 comments so far

  • I don't think there is anything wrong with "it", in fact people have been calling me a wanker since time immemorial.

    Commenter
    J. Fraser
    Location
    Queensland
    Date and time
    June 22, 2012, 5:41AM
    • i would say there are some shades of grey, about 50 i hear.
      under some circumstances it's "normal" , health issues , traveling, significant libido mismatch etc.
      the circumstances under which i find it unacceptable is,replacing intimacy with your partner, while on the phone to someone other than your partner etc.

      Commenter
      Victorious Painter
      Date and time
      June 22, 2012, 8:44AM
      • @ Victorious Painter:

        "while on the phone to someone other than your partner'

        My first thought was: "Have I ever spoken to a guy on the phone and he was wanking and I didn't even know?"
        But then I realised you're probably talking about a form of infidelity. :)

        Commenter
        mum of four
        Date and time
        June 22, 2012, 5:00PM
      • MO4, you make such huge assumptions. :-)

        Commenter
        Victorious Painter
        Date and time
        June 22, 2012, 6:26PM
      • MO4, yes I was, as with most things in life, it’s the context that’s important not the action itself.

        Commenter
        Victorious Painter
        Date and time
        June 25, 2012, 11:53AM
      • I'm liking this MO4 thing for mum of four, I really am. It make her sound like some kind of futuristic super-mum/crime-fighter.

        It's good.

        Commenter
        AT
        Location
        Melbourne
        Date and time
        June 25, 2012, 3:00PM
      • @ AT:

        You know what, I quite like it too. I'll try it for a while. :)

        Commenter
        MO4
        Date and time
        June 25, 2012, 5:43PM
      • Dunno. Have you tried reading that acronym out loud? Doesn't sound so enticing anymore.

        Commenter
        Markus
        Date and time
        June 25, 2012, 6:43PM
      • @ Markus:

        I read it "em-oh-four" (sounds ok to me). You'll have to explain what you read into it. :)

        Commenter
        mum of four/MO4?
        Date and time
        June 25, 2012, 10:19PM
      • Phonetically its too uncannily close to "MoFo" for my liking. (AFAIK noone reads LOL as "el-oh-el")

        Commenter
        Markus
        Date and time
        June 27, 2012, 7:12PM

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