Being married doesn't mean the death of sex. Quite the opposite in many cases.
The winner of our competition for readers to write a guest blog for CityKat is Michael Durrand. Thank you to all entrants. CityKat returns next week.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am nothing special: tall, Caucasian, lower-middle-class upbringing, uni (over) educated, four kids. I've been married for almost 14 years and have been with the same gal - the LoML - for half my life. Oh, and here's the clincher: my sex life is better than yours. And not just by a little bit either.
Well, most of you anyway. (And the ones who have a better one, well, I know you're too happy to care about my claim too much.) This is because I know and love the person I’m with. I respect her, and making love is a different thing when you’re in that situation; there are limitless possible outcomes. That being said, it doesn’t hinder us having a good old fashioned f--- when we want to, which is a lot of the time.
In most blogs that deal with sex and dating, the only real viewpoint presented is that of the single and self-empowered, post-modern want-to-be deconstructivist auto-sexual who believes that freedom has something to offer them. They write and think about the lack of restrictions that their solo-sailing gives them and lament on the constraints that a partner and children would impose on them and their well developed identity. There is never any really understanding of what freedoms bring them and take away from them. Freedom from something is not nearly as valuable as freedom to do something. No-one would seriously state that our lack of freedom to drive on whatever side of the road we choose restricts us. The opposite is true; this restriction allows us enormous freedom.
''OK, so back up your claim,'' I hear you say. After 18 years with the same girl, we know each other backwards, forwards, upside-down and hundreds of places in between. As for frequency, it depends how you measure it. By event? Well most weeks I would need to take off my socks to keep count. If you measure it by happy outcomes you could easily triple that number. As for quality, I think we both have one of those 'that was the best ever' type occasions about every fortnight, give or take. The trust and knowledge we have for each other enables us to push our own desires to the limit, whatever that may be.
Yet most bloggers that deal with sex and dating paint me in a category of guys that are less than the free-spirited solo-sailing auto-sexual. This is why I write this post. I say prove it. I say most guys in my situation are too polite to tell the real story of their love lives to their single deconstructivist friends. They have their claims of marriage being the death of sex, certainly the death of oral sex. Huh??? Excuse me, where did that come from? People don’t get married because they like watching TV together. Sorry to be impolite to all the single self-empowered auto-sexuals there, but that’s just the way it is.
And then the claims of having kids being the final nail in the coffin (or out of it). Yeah? My sex life suffered a bigger dip the day we bought an automatic washing machine than it did the day we had children. As most couples who adore each other with kids will be too polite to point out to single people, children need nursing back to sleep in the early hours of the morning. So you find yourself awake with sleeping kids at 5.30am, which is too early to get up and too late to go back to bed. Then, after a while, old Pavlov takes over when the kids start to sleep through the night.
You see, there's a difference: the difference between masturbation, sex, f---ing and making love. Masturbation is purely a bodily function really, not too far removed from going to the loo or picking your nose. Sex is a step above this, but it is still about your own needs and issues rather than the other person. F---ing is more about quite forcefully demanding the other person enjoys themselves by doing certain things, but you’re really only doing that so that your own desires are better met. And making love? Well, that’s the trick isn’t it? Making love is what everyone wants to do, to lose yourself in someone else’s eyes long enough to feel them lose themselves in yours. But if you look around at bizarre social graces, most people are just masturbating.
To be honest, I only really remember one full-on one-night stand, if you don't count teenage fooling around. It was just prior to meeting the LoML, and it was horrible. I remember her climaxing in such a strange and distant way, like I wasn’t even there but at the same time really was. To her at that point in time, I had no identity or knowledge. I had a face, automation, other things, but no identity that was my own. It was horrible. I felt like I was being used. And I was. She was just using me to get off; as a masturbation tool. This is what one-night stands are mostly about – turning people into wankers.