With the weight of (some of) the world and priceless jewels on your shoulders - what would you do if you were in Liz's shoes?
This weekend Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate her 60th year on the throne.
The UK is looking forward to a four-day weekend of celebrations that will reportedly boost the local economy by $14 billion thanks to horse races, street parties, pop concerts and the mother of all flotillas.
Like the up coming Games of the XXX Olympiad and last year's Royal Wedding, the Diamond Jubilee is good news for our Head of State's cash strapped home land.
The Queen is ready to party after sitting on the throne and riding in carriages for 60 years.
According to figures in TIME magazine, London has had the largest number of visitors since the turn of the century with 12.7 million visitors heading to the land of Coronation Street, Mark Wright's dimples and Topshop so far this year.
Admittedly I contracted regal fever about a year ago when Kate walked down the aisle at Westminster and Liz popped down under for CHOGM. While convalescing I thought of what I would do if I borrowed Her Majesty's diamond encrusted head gear and matching twin set for a day.
Here's my itinerary:
- Slap Fergie.
- Tell Philip: "I like you very much. Just as you are."
- Schedule a photo shoot with Elton John in the gardens of Windsor Castle to show my support for marriage equality. Mario Testino will photograph the portrait of Elton wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Bow down B..ches" while I play Bennie and the Jets on a piano wearing his disco era glasses and Kate and Wills re-enact their balcony kiss.
- Demand to be apart of Kate Moss's Glastonbury posse.
- Make a Downton Abbey cameo.
- Encourage Camilla to appear on The Voice and perform a cover version of Tammy Wynette's Stand by Your Man.
- Prank call Pippa Middleton and tell her she can marry Harry if she cuts back on the kohl eyeliner.
- Employ Simon Cowell to coordinate a Court Jester roster for Buckingham Palace. Performers must include Book of Mormon star Andrew Rannells, Russell Brand and Karl Pilkington.
- Issue a royal decree that Victoria Beckham and Alexa Chung must smile and eat a morsel of solid food at least once a year.
- Invite Hugh Grant over for a dubonnet and gin and a night in front of the tele watching Notting Hill and Love Actually.
While the rest of Australia prepares to either ignore or embrace the celebrations which will involve exploding cannons and a carriage procession of mythical proportions through the streets of Old Blighty, I decided to get all Geoffrey Robertson on our local A-to-D-listers.
Hypothetically asking them what they would do if they were, hypothetically, Queen for a day:
"Whatever my Liz said, I'd do that. Oh and ban bikes."
"I think the Queen is amazing. I love, love, love her. I've written a song about my fascination with her energy, let me sing it for you, you'll really connect with it."
"I'd invite the whole of Sydney out for a pre-dawn charity event. As I'll be sick and unable to make it, you'll have the chance to win $1 million while Scandal'us lip synch and announce their reunion tour."
"I can't say. I thought this interview was about what I would do if I were a bank not a Briton. Does this mean I'm not getting paid for this? If not I can't answer." *mutters other four-letter words*
"First I'd wake up and run 400 kilometres, do 100 dips/Roman chairs/cable crossovers followed by a four hour Bikram Yoga class and intense weight session then have a few pints down with the boys at the footy club."
"I'd host a garden reception for myself and not wear shoes."
"Did the CIA tell you to ask me this question? No comment. This press conference is over. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a boat to build."
"Are those real diamantes on that crown?!"
"Well *hiccup* for shhtarttters I'd replace my handshum mug with me wife's 'hot arse' on the $5 note *hiccup* haha! *winks* haha!"
"Sorry what was the question? Being an Earth Mother surviving on Tahitian Noni juice and a staff of 20 makes it hard to concentrate sometimes. Oh yes, hmm, 'if I were Queen for the day?' wait what do you mean by 'if'?"
Now it's over to you, what would you do if you were given the keys to the Castle? What are your thoughts on the Diamond Jubilee extravaganza?
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