If you are reading this then we can safely say the Mayan calendar is full of it and Kate Miller-Heidke deserves royalties. Or perhaps we should wait until 10.11pm, just to be on the safe side.
“The world will not end in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than four billion years and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012,” the NASA website stated.
Obviously these scientists haven’t seen Liz & Dick and were lucky enough to not be cast in The Shire, but despite these crimes against humanity, what the guys in the white jackets are saying is if Britney Spears can survive 2007, those of us on Earth can get through anything, even 2012.
However, at times throughout the year, I thought celebrities were the actual Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
While there were no celebrity breakdowns to match Ms Spears’ spectacular fall from grace, we were subjected to cat fights on American Idol, an exposed vagina on the red carpet, Joey from Dawson’s Creek escaping her five year Hollywood hostage ordeal and Heidi Klum breaking up with that judge from The Voice, which on a scale from one to Adele was up there.
Here’s a list of people and events that signalled 2012 was indeed an apocalyptic year. If they can make it through unscathed, then us mere mortals can get through anything:
Honey Boo Boo – this spunky, pint size beauty queen wannabe was the break out star of Toddlers & Tiaras thanks to her diet of 'Go Go Juice' – a combination of energy drinks and soft drinks and 'pageant crack' – powdered sugar in tubes, made her go all “laughy and play-ey and makes me feel like I want to pull my Mommy’s hair.” The scenes of her spinning around, sounding incoherent and throwing herself on the floor minutes before dazzling pageant judges in small town America went viral and shocked parents/medical professionals/people with eyes around the world.
Her revelation: Her hyperactivity and hamming it up for the cameras landed her family its own spin off show – Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Lindsay Lohan – She said she has a lot in common with Elizabeth Taylor which is true in that her entire life is like a car crash and the car just keeps rolling and rolling from one drama to another. Not only was Liz & Dick one of the worst 'films' ever produced and so low budget that if you play a drinking game based on how many times her false eyelashes fall off you’d need a new liver, but she continues to drink drive, steal and (probably) snort substances like she hasn’t a care in the world.
Her revelation: She has to cut off her Mum and Dad. If you ever think your parents are mean for not taking care of your first world problem, like paying an overdue phone bill, things could be worse – you could have been created by Dina and Michael Lohan.
Sandor Earl – One half of 'Dorguson'. Earl’s bromance with Canberra Raiders team mate Blake Ferguson made headlines this year with the two Instragramming their 'man dates', which included having tea, going topless at music festivals and sleeping in the same room when travelling. The two only met this year, however, Earl, who is a tattoo aficionado, made the ultimate BFF commitment recently by having '#DORGUSON' inked.
His revelation: He probably got the new tatt as '#Dorguson' is reportedly the secret behind the Raiders' successful 2012 season.
Considering Kardashian's new fringe almost caused a melee at an airport recently if Kanye pops the question the world might just self-destruct.
Lara Bingle – As a model she’s drop dead gorgeous and probably has the best chest assets in Australia (I can say that because I, like the rest of Australia, have seen them more than I’ve seen my family this year), however as a 'personality' she’s more beige than her hair.
Her revelation: Queensland has the Big Pineapple, the Shire has Bingle. I’m pretty sure there would be people out there who would travel to see her wakeboard in her natural environment. It could be a lucrative Bingle business venture – plus she wouldn’t have to drive anywhere – a safe bonus for the NSW traffic police.
Rihanna – Her on again-off again relationship with the man who thought her face was a punching bag is concerning but her new album, ironically titled Unapologetic, is fantastic. Please stop suffering for your art, RiRi.
Her revelation: She cuts off the Chris Brown cancer.
Jason Russell – The KONY 2012 creator’s documentary became an online phenomenon, too bad his subsequent meltdown, which saw him running around the streets naked hitting things, became more famous.
His revelation: He should keep his clothes on - for humanity’s sake.
Ryan Loche – The US swimming star had a stoush with Olympic officials in London after he was told he was not allowed to accept his medals wearing a $25,000 diamond ‘grill’ in his mouth because it was not part of the team’s uniform. His defence? It was designed to show off his personality and it featured the pattern of the American flag.
His revelation: He should channel Victoria Beckham and never show his teeth.
Miley Cyrus – The fact that she cut her hair almost made the Internet melt this year, not to mention the controversy surrounding her engagement to, and matching tattoos with, Hunger Games star, Liam Hemsworth.
Her revelation: She should explain what part of Roosevelt’s speech inspired her so much that she needed to get it tattooed.
Kristen Stewart – Wearing sneakers on the red carpet, making questionable fashion choices that involved a lot of sheer panels and sleeping with her married director – 2012 was supposed to be her year to shine, not be labelled a sl*t.
Her revelation: Bella Swan is dead, she needs to kick her R.Patz habit and make more films like On The Road.
Brad Pitt – That Chanel No. 5 ad. “It’s not a journey, every journey ends but we go on. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable,” he mumbled inanely... and was paid around $6 million for his efforts.
His revelation: To deflect the bad press, he decided to make it official and marry Ange.
KimYe – Considering Kim Kardashian’s new (fake) fringe almost caused a melee at an airport recently, if Kanye pops the question, the world might just self-destruct.
Their revelation: They are thinking “we are the new Mayans”.