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Time to say (a goofy) goodbye

January Jones' walk of shame is nearly as embarrassing as a goofy goodbye.

January Jones' walk of shame is nearly as embarrassing as a goofy goodbye.

I've thumbed my way through enough "improve your love life" guides to know that there are no chapters on how to execute the perfect dating dismount – the cringe-inducing minutes at the end of a date or the morning after when you have to say goodbye.

I'm talking about those seconds that occur before the 'walk of shame' – what's the most appropriate behaviour for this situation?

Even such titles as How To Find Mr Right in the Fruit and Vegetable section of the Supermarket in the Midst of a Man Drought and He's Just Not That Into You (and is Probably Considering a Restraining Order) cannot offer up advice of how to make the perfect exit.

So, you've had a nice night with a guy/lady you've known for a few weeks then one thing leads to another...

Cut to the morning after and the awkward farewell has to happen – whether it's a cheeky pre-dawn dash (by you or him) or an invite to breakfast – there's always a certain amount of cringe that comes with the start of a new fling.

Bridesmaids offers up two very different scenarios that I believe most women (and some blokes) have been in.

Being blunt, like Jon Hamm's character, works when you don't want to embark on anything other than erotic extracurricular activities and a nice guy (or gal) will make an effort, e.g. when Officer Rhodes makes Annie coffee and asks her to stay over and bake - #cute.

I may be a little precious, but once upon a time after spending a lovely evening with someone that I genuinely liked, his parting words to me before an early morning flight (he actually did have a plane to catch I promise) were "nice to meet you" and a handshake – pretty much the personified version of the full stop.

The whole delightfully pleasant time we had spent together was erased as I stood there in last night's outfit and make up looking like a stunned mullet (my hair resembled one as well).

"Oh come on! Everyone knows that you always say 'speak to you soon' even if you have no intention of ever seeing each other again," my hopelessly romantic bestie, who once sent a text to a guy following a date, saying "I should have gone in for the kiss" and never received a reply, said.

Another added, "When I was younger and single I would never partake in goodbyes, I would always do a Harold Holt in the middle of night and by-passing the whole awkwardness in the morning."

As I continued to recall the vague valediction to my friends we began to compile a list of scenarios and sayings that should never happen upon departure from a date and/or sleep over.

1.      The words – how, much, do, I, owe and you should never be used in the same sentence.

2.      If you find yourself in a secured apartment complex, protect your outfit and bones by learning the security code and where the exit button is.

3.      Always change or at least brush your teeth if you decide to continue on for breakfast, "no post-sex glow can hide last night's outfit in a chic breakfast spot," another male mate chimed in.

4.      Meeting the parents should happen three months into a relationship, not three hours after an orgasm. Suss out his or her living situation beforehand.

5.      You'll be able to laugh about the awkwardness with the right person – this came from my deliriously happily married friend who just announced her third pregnancy by yelling "I'm knocked up. Wahoo!" to the whole office.

What are your tips for the end of the date? Do you get awkward and embarrassed or is it just me?

P.S. I did in fact hear from Mr "Nice to meet you" again. I'll keep you posted (insert winky face here).

twitter Follow Jenna Clarke on Twitter @jennamclarke

6 comments so far

  • The problem is that women nowadays do all the chasing, especially after the good-bye when stalker texts start spilling out of every orrifice and wind up as a iPhone snap-shots on generic laugh-out-loud office emails that other women pour over with tears in their eyes, saying "OMG how sad is that?" while secretly grateful theirs has not surfaced. Yet playing hard to get does not work either because a) see above and b) men do it better because they don't get emotionally attached after sex and are more willing to have countless partners at any one time. My tip is that you will know in the first five minutes of conversation what (if any) connection you have and don't be surprised the next day when it comes true.

    Commenter
    Grace
    Date and time
    February 28, 2012, 11:06AM
    • To be honest, I agree with Grace. What I've noticed is that women are constantly trying to 'play hard to get' whereas men just don't want to be got. There's a difference. Why are women doing all the chasing? Why are some women so obsessed with 'finding someone'? Why are some of us still that pathetic creature txting friends 'he hasn't called yet. why hasn't he called?' I guess it may always be a little awkward doing the post date dash, but perhaps the less invested we are, then we can be the ones offering a handshake and a 'nice to meet you' rather than doing the 'walk of shame'?

      Commenter
      Mel
      Date and time
      March 01, 2012, 8:08AM
      • Laugh out loud hilarious. Perhaps strikes a nerve with a few too many people out there. Well done Jenna.

        Commenter
        Fickle
        Date and time
        March 02, 2012, 1:10PM
        • In my opinion, if he likes you he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't.
          He's gonna call you again whether you look like a stunned mullet or not call you again whether you look like a stunned mullet.
          Whether you say the right thing or do the right thing or order the right thing, if he's the right thing, won't matter.
          Be yourself and amazing things will happen.

          Commenter
          CJM
          Date and time
          March 09, 2012, 9:49AM
          • This article made me laugh. I had a friend who met a guy at a fancy dress party. She was dressed as a 'Bollywood' actress. She went home with him, lost her bag, had to do the walk of shame through his PARENTS house, and had to hail a cab on her own in suburbia donned in her Sari, harem pants and all. Talk about an awkward farewell. He didn't even get out of his bed.

            Commenter
            Frankie22
            Location
            St Kilda
            Date and time
            March 11, 2012, 9:08AM
            • Instead of playing 'hard to get' just be aloof, mysterious even with a cheeky grin. Don't look desperate or feel disappointed if you leave without hooking up; the biggest turn on is confidence. Be confident and sexy in who you are and they will come to you.

              Plus you can tell if a guy wants to have you stay or breakfast or leave so he can sleep in based on the prior nights actions.
              Did he spoon you throughout the night or just roll over once 'he' was done?

              Don't always think that that every man is your prince charming; because majority are just out to get some.

              Commenter
              Beck_279
              Location
              Sydney
              Date and time
              March 19, 2012, 9:35AM

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