Heckler

Pain of modern paeans

Heckler WHY doesn't God turn them into pillars of salt? Or at least send a bolt of lightning or two?

Heckler

Modern post issues in a modern land

Heckler ''I'D LIKE to send this parcel by registered post, please.''

Heckler

Let's stamp out those long lines at post office

Heckler IF YOU are, like me, old fashioned and still send letters by post, you would be wise to purchase all your stamps and aerograms in bulk in future.

Heckler

No universal way to make a connection

Heckler MY BLOOD had been simmering through the school holidays because of the ubiquitous umbilical cord. Not, I hasten to add, the human kind, but over the multitude of cables that connect modern electronic...

Heckler

Why call centres get my goat

Heckler I WRITE this on behalf of the 3 million Australians who, like me, are fed up trying to have our domestic problems solved by doubtless well-meaning, but culturally challenged, people sitting in small...

Heckler

A walking dictionary: how very apposite

Heckler I can now empathise with Kafka's Gregor Samsa when he woke up on that fateful morning and realised he had turned into a cockroach (well, was well on his way to becoming one), because this morning I...

Heckler

Forgive me for my assault on batteries

Heckler ''ARE there any triple-A batteries in this house?'' screamed an almost hysterical daughter on the morning of the maths exam. Of course there weren't. There never are.

Heckler

Report card that 'could do better'

Heckler WRITING reports for the end of a school year used to be one of the more bizarrely enjoyable duties a teacher had. Certainly it was onerous and time consuming but it was also cathartic.

Heckler

Welcome to the age of 'you sick, we click'

Heckler IF YOU were in hospital in the good old days - and by that I mean a time when the world was a simpler place - and you saw a doctor or nurse heading your way, they would be most likely armed with one...

Heckler

Beached Boys show they're just washed up

Heckler SURELY it's only a matter of time until the phrase "dying on stage" becomes an SMH headline, and I, for one, don't want to be there to see someone who was big in the '70s and is now into their 70s...

Heckler

Medicinal cons are hard to swallow

Heckler I LOVE drugs. Adore them. Best thing since sliced bread. Headache? Sweet, sweet codeine. Runny nose? Sneezing? Antihistamine and pseudo-ephedrine.

Heckler

Cold-blooded kids find no joy in woolies

Heckler I'M STUMPED. It's late winter and an icy cold snap has hit town. It's snowing in the mountains and the wind chill factor has sent temperature plummeting to record lows but both my boys are trotting...

Heckler

Granddad's guide to surviving the holidays

Heckler WITH the school holidays looming, I feel compelled to ask: how did this crop of geriatric grandparents become the child-minders of the modern era?

Heckler

Buy a hat and save a fortune

Heckler THIS is a message to the women of the world: I dyed my hair dark brown three months ago.

Heckler

Slow down, you move too fast …

Heckler I SUFFER from a debilitating condition: slowness. I'm just not fast in any sense. Unfortunately, in modern high-speed society slowness essentially amounts to a crime.

Heckler

In defence of right to air undies

Heckler Our executive strata committee recently posted a love note to residents of our building (or maybe it was that sweet looking Fred on the fourth floor - the note wasn't signed) stating that those...

Heckler

What the (beep) is that noise for?

Heckler I wish I'd bought shares in the company that makes whatever it is that makes things go ''beep''.

Heckler

Ruled by the little princesses

Heckler YOU would have thought Ian Freeman's Tuesday heckle covered just about every annoyance known to man. Perhaps he was simply leaving one of the great bugbears for another to tackle.

Benefit of BBQ not so clean-cut

Heckler BACKYARD bliss? Enough is enough. Next time you are groping around for a metaphor for materialism, conspicuous consumption and inappropriate over-design, grope no more: just use the modern gas-fired,...

Heckler

Drag your knuckles, not your feet

Heckler WOMEN have been complaining about men for as long as the trees have stood, and for almost as long, men have been writing about it.