Vegan pets expose a hierarchy of herbivores
Question: what's the only thing missing from a vegan pet food diet?
Answer: a meat lovers pizza and a carton of chocolate milk.
Bada bing! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
No, really. I've done actual studies on this. I only bring it up now because of this fantastic story on the site yesterday, about a line of vegan pet food.
To clarify, that's pet food for cats and dogs not made out of vegans – think Snappy Tom's Soylent Green – but rather pet food made out of whatever it is that vegans eat.
Well, some vegans anyway. Having mused on Twitter yesterday about this topic I was rushed by one panicky vegan who didn't want the crazy rubbing off on him.
“Nooooo!” cried @mattheworbit. “Don't think we vegans endorse this! It's crazy-talk! Cats are carnivores.”
(It's off-topic, sort of, but this confirmed to me something I always suspected about the leaf-n-twig set; it appears to be possessed of a caste-based hierarchy that could teach the old Shogunates of Japan a thing or two about caste-based hierarchies. At the very bottom of the, ahem, food chain you'd have your fishytarians and my odd, 'virtual vegan' friend Maria who's happy to pour meat sauce all over her minty peas (big bowls of minty peas are 90 per cent of her diet) as long as the meat is strained out first. I always thought vegans sat at the top of this feudal system, but now I find out that even they have their own hierarchy, with crazy cat ladies forcing stewed eggplant into their poor pussies, perched atop the throne).
OK, so, gratuitous mockery and Mrs Slocum jokes over, unfortunately, the pet food story did remind me of the time I was actually asked to house-sit for a couple of friends who insisted their cat was vegetarian. Just so you know, these guys also used to wrap bottles of water in different colored layers of cellophane because it focused the rainbow goodness of the sun into the old H2O, apparently. Imbued the water with magical powers 'n' stuff.
So you can understand my skepticism about their lentil-loving feline. Didn't look to me like he was getting any wood over the bowl of pre-mulched mushrooms and carrots and crap I served up on that first night.
But old Puss and I, we bonded something fierce when I let him share the dinner I was having. A chocolate milk and a meat lovers pizza. The poor little bastard hooked into that like a hungry raptor.
I can't imagine he'd be impressed with this new line of 'super vegan' pet food. Not unless the super vegans really committed to the cause and volunteered to go into the can themselves when their time was up. Sort of like a Soylent Green and Logan's Run crossover.
When the pizza and the chocolate milk ran out I'm sure that cat would've licked his whiskers at the prospect.
“Mmmm. Full of vegan goodness!”