Rats, a guinea pig and other snags
JULIAN ASSANGE gave an address from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London to mark six months since he sought asylum. But what is it really like behind closed doors at 3 Hans Crescent, Knightsbridge? This leaked diplomatic cable thought to be written by Ana Alban Mora, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of Ecuador to the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland emailed back home to the President, Rafael Correa, possibly provides a valuable insight.
Hola President, prospero ano nuevo - or G'day mate, as we now say. This Julian, he's driving us crazy. It's 200 days next Sunday. We are all getting cabin fever.
We don't know what to do with him. Always hanging around the place and it's Christmas as well.
Late Christmas Eve we heard a bang on the door. We thought it must be carol singers but instead it was Scotland Yard bobbies. They said they wanted to speak to Julian. They said why don't we have a Christmas truce. The police suggested we play blind-man's bluff in the entire embassy, including the balcony. They even said Julian could go first.
But he said he smelt a rat. He said it could end up like the Iranian embassy siege 1980, when the SAS came in a big surprise through the window. He refused to play and helped himself to the aguardiente from the bar.
On Christmas Day, Julian had a bad head so we tried to cheer him up. We served him our traditional roast guinea pig. But he turned his nose up. He said he usually has snags and XXXX. Snags? Can you advise: what are snags?
The embassy staff even gave him a present - a knitted Alpaca chullo hat with earflaps - very warm. It could be very handy if he goes to Sweden. He gave me a signed copy of his book Cypherpunks. He said it would be worth lots of money one day, but I think maybe I'll see it in the bargain basket in the sales.
We played Monopoly in the evening but it was no good. He kept stealing all the Get Out of Jail Free cards and just wanted to sit on Free Parking. All he was interested in buying was Fleet Street - he said then he would really control the press.
Then Julian said he would rather play Risk, the world domination board game. He sent all his armies to smash Sweden but then a big US army came after him and squeezed him in the corner. He said, again, he smelt a rat but I said maybe it was the leftover guinea pig.
Julian says he plans to get out of the embassy without getting caught by police. He says he'll make a tunnel, such as the one in The Shawshank Redemption. He asked me get him a tiny hammer and poster of Angelina Jolie to cover the hole in the wall.
But he seems worried the tunnel may come up short, such as the one in The Great Escape - he thinks he'll come up in the Swedish embassy but I told him it's miles away.
Julian now spends all his time in his room and says he's going to start a WikiLeaks political party in Australia and is planning to stand as a Senate candidate.
He says it is inevitable the US will drop the espionage investigation but he says that may be ''several years away''!
What will we do? It won't be Julian needing asylum - all the embassy staff will be in an asylum.
Please, please President, make a New Year's resolution. Free the Wiki One, please.