There's been some crazed reporting in the tech press about the inevitability of Apple releasing a Big Arse iPhone this year.

(The actual technical term is Big Ass Phone, but I dare not angry up the anti-American-English pedants).

Very few of the reports bothered to do the basic sums to work out whether the screen sizes they anticipated would work with the current pixel grid of the iPhone and both iPads.

At 4.94 inches, diagonal, you get a much larger phone, with the same pixel count (1136×640) as the current models, and the 264 ppi density of the retina display.

At that size your million plus apps already in store are good to go with minimal tweaking. At any other industry standard Big Arse Phone size, not so much.

So why would they do it? Steve Jobs thought the original display, like the last bowl of porridge, was juuuuust right.

But then he also thought mini tablets were bullshit, and now the iPad mini owns that category.

(Yes, I know there are millions of droid tabs sold around 6-7 inches, but a lot of them are Chinese 'crap tabs' used for watching TV and not much else.)

Anyway, lets back away from that jihad for a moment and think about a Big Arse iPhone.

My initial response is, no effing way do I want one. I already find the 5S just a leeeeetle too big to use one-handed.

Although with it now resting in my Pad and Quill notebook-style case, that's not such an issue.

Trying to cram a significantly larger case into my jeans might be though. Running on a treadmill holding a stupid Big Ass Phone might be. Even using the camera function might be.

Perhaps this is where I, the slavish Apple slave, need to reach out to my brethren and, er, cistern in the Android community and ask them whether they find a ridiculously large phone to be ridiculously large under those circumstances.

While we wait for the calm and rational responses of the Unbelievers to appear in the comment thread, however, as an experiment I decided to do something very unscientific and look at the apps currently on my home screen.

(I have no idea what happens after the first two screens. Things could be growing on screen 3. And spreading to screens four through whatever. I wouldn't know. I never go back there.)

But my home screen? You gotta be a headliner to play there, kid. A high value, high use app that I'll hit up multiple times every day. So. What are they?

 

Cooking show

Some are familiar and self explanatory. Some maybe not.

But lets look at each in turn and see whether or not blowing it up to a five inch screen would help. Again, this is probably something that droid users might have actual, field-tested opinions on.

Messages. Meh. I doubt it. You'd see more of the thread, I guess, but you're stuck having to use both hands to text.

Camera. Yes, for display, but I'd argue no for use. At least the way I use it. I often want to take a discreet shot, for instance during a restaurant review or when a senior editor falls down drunk in the gutter. I probably need to shoot quickly under those circumstances, and having a smaller object to pull out is always going to be easier. On the the hand, and this is a huge caveat, with a larger phone body the options for a bigger lens and more powerful sensors are opened up. On that basis, I suppose I'll say that depending on the parameters they give to the camera team, a bigger phone could be better.

Settings. Pfft. As if.

Evernote. Yeah. OK. I'll pay this one. A larger display is a definite advantage to a note filing system, if the app maker is up to the job of using the extra real estate.

Tweetbot. Mmmmaybe. I guess you'd see more tweets in a thread, or on the timeline. But only if the devs rewrite the app to do that rather than just resizing the image for the bigger display.

Weather. Nope. Not feeling the love.

Find my Friends. Again. Nada.

Google. I guess more results on screen is good, but the loss of one-handed functionality might negate that. I'd call it a null result except that Google's voice search and predictive results are getting spooky good.

Audible. The first genuinely negative result. Audio books are about listening, not looking. The smaller the device, the better.

Next Draft. A curated news app and one of the first unequivocal yes votes in favour of a bigger screen. In fact any app that is all about reading will be better with a bigger screen. Reading isn't something you do while mobile. Or it shouldn't be anyway. You're almost always going to be still, and hopefully sitting somewhere to read. So score one for the Big Arse.

Instacast. A Podcast app, and my comments about Audible hold here. You just want to start the playback and put your phone away. Too bad it doesn't fit in your pocket now.

Music. Again, I'm gonna say this is a net loss. Music is about listening. Although searching iTunes or Rdio or Spotify might be easier with a bigger display, there's no getting around the inconvenience of a Big Arse Phone for this use case.

Rdio. See Music.

Umano. An app where voice actors read selected news stories to you every day. Mostly from magazines. It's awesome. Get it. I upgraded to the $4 a month subscription I love it so much. But it won't benefit from a bigger model.

Vesper. A simple and elegant note taker. As with all note takers, on the bigger phone you lose one handed ease of use.

ABC app. Hmm. Its audio playback functions will suffer, for all the reasons I mention above. But there is a lot of text and imagery that will gain from the extra space. Call it evens.

Calendar. I suspect it might gain useability with a larger display, especially on the current day screen. Or it might if someone who knows what they're doing recodes the bloody thing.

Clear. A great To-Do app. Loses out because it's designed for one hand optimum use.

Fitbit. The data would display better, but now you're hauling around a big ass hunk of silicon in your baggy jogging shorts. I'm calling this a net loss.

Invoice2Go. A business app. Lets me run all my invoicing and receipts in one place and files my GST for me. I would marry this app if it were legal. And yes, it would be much more useful with a larger screen.

And down the bottom. Mail gets a tick for the big display. As does Safari, of course, which is always crying out for more screen. But the phone? Nope. You'll look like an idiot using it.

So, for me, no. I think I'd stick with the smaller iPhone and use a pad for those apps that need a bigger screen.

But then I'm not an average user, owning two iPads, an iPod touch and a 5S.

What about users, especially in Asia who only want one device? For them, maybe, there is a case to be made for the Big Arse Option.

Samsung's monster phonez are definitely popular there, and Apple is leaving money on the barrel head by not going after them.

None of this says a damn thing about whether Apple will make a Big Arse Phone, of course. Only they know the anwer to that.

It's a purely personal way of asking myself whether I'd buy one. At this point, I'm much more interested in the way the so-called iWatch is shaping up.

If you look at the people they've been hiring it's promising to be a helluva lot more interesting than a FitBit or Fuelband or Big Arse Phone.