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Fat Club a group with gravitas


Dan Palmer

Palmed Off

Yours truly ... intelligent, affable, charismatic, refined - and a proud member of the "Fat Club".

Yours truly ... intelligent, affable, charismatic, refined - and a proud member of the "Fat Club". Photo: Melissa Adams

It was great to get the Brumbies' season off to a winning start last weekend.

Our goals are set high and we want to keep building on the momentum we gathered last season into our round two clash with the Melbourne Rebels on Friday.

As The Canberra Times columnist this year I am keen to give you a different perspective on the team and throw some of my own views in the mix as well.

Unlike Jesse Mogg, who can bore himself to sleep during his own conversations.

Unlike Jesse Mogg, who can bore himself to sleep during his own conversations. Photo: Getty Images

A lot has been made of various subgroups within the Brumbies, such as Pacific Islander guys who've named themselves ''The Community''.

But you are yet to hear of the club's most prestigious group - the ''Fat Club''.

If one's ribs are visible, one cannot and should not be trusted. This piece of wisdom is well known among our crew.

If you eat more kilojoules than you burn off, you get fat. It's simple science. As simple as it may seem, there are an elite few within the Brumbies who don't seem to understand this proposition.

Fat Club - of which I am a member - is a refined group within the Brumbies. Intellect, charisma and aesthetics are attributes certainly not absent, even if abs are.

Fat is a nutrient. It is crucial for normal body function and without it we could not survive. Not only does fat supply us with energy, it also makes it possible for other nutrients to do their jobs. But this is hardly a relevant argument when you weigh in heavy on the scales of the Brumbies' athletic performance director, Dean Benton.

If the scales are plotting against you in the strength and conditioning office, you will be in our exclusive club, where you can bet you will be ''randomly'' selected for skin-fold testing on a weekly basis.

''It's baby fat, Ill grow out of it'', ''I'm big boned'' or ''I am experiencing strong maternal instincts and ''my body is retaining nutrients'' are all excuses we've tried. Without success.

Our conditioners don't understand some of us are clearly allergic to exercise. I tried it once, my skin flushed and my heart raced, I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

My bias on this subject is clear. I believe strongly that everyone within the walls of a Fat Club meeting are superior humans in every aspect.

In contrast, skinnier players are boring, dull, misled and can be extremely annoying. Jesse Mogg will fall asleep mid-conversation. Nic White, as all halfbacks are, was born to niggle everyone he meets. Tom Cox - yes he may be fast on the track, but is he as quick intellectually? Is his humour as golden as his tan? These questions must be asked.

To a Fat Club member protective gear in rugby is not limited to pads and mouth-guards. Lard-concealing compression shirts worn under clothing - aka ''mudguards'' - are commonplace. If these tactics are a crime I don't know an innocent Fat Club member.

I ask you, if you observe the rare occasion where one of our portly members may be sharing a coffee or a beer with a gaunt counterpart, understand that it is purely out of sympathy we associate with these menial people.

We are human after all.

  • Dan Palmer plays prop for the ACT Brumbies. His column will appear in The Canberra Times on Fridays.


3 comments so far

  • Great read, Dan... Go Brumbies

    Date and time
    February 22, 2013, 7:11AM
    • Dan, you should know that the first rule of fat club is that you do not talk about fat club.

      The elder prop council shall hear of this!

      Perth via Rakaia
      Date and time
      February 22, 2013, 11:56AM
      • @ piru

        Haha. Well said....very good !

        Good luck to your Force in putting the sword to the Kings this w'end in Africa.
        For me, hope of hopes, iz for the Tahs to rein supreme in Queensland this w'end!

        inner west sydney
        Date and time
        February 22, 2013, 1:07PM

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