HE DOESN'T know if he'll play rugby again, but ACT forward Ita Vaea is just thankful he's alive.
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''I could have, all of a sudden, died on the field and no one would have known what happened,'' Vaea says.
Speaking publicly for the first time since doctors discovered blood clots on his heart six months ago, Vaea admits his rugby career is still in limbo.
The 24-year-old remains on blood-thinning drugs and his rehabilitation began with walking at what he described as ''granny'' pace.
But the giant Tongan No.8 remains positive.
''I'm not playing and the [recovery] process is slow, but I think about it and the tough time, I visualise what could have happened,'' Vaea says.
''If I kept playing I could have passed away, I could have had a stroke and not been able to talk any more … I'm just happy.
''At first it was shock, it's still a mystery for me. But I'm just happy to be alive, I'm just looking at it in a positive way, things happen for a reason.
''I'm still young, I've got plenty of time to think about footy or if I'll be allowed to play again.
''Everything is heading in the right direction. If I come back I'll be very grateful, but if I can't I just have to accept it and move forward. There's nothing you can do, my heart is more important.''
Vaea had no idea he was ill until his foot turned white and went numb at pre-season training last October.
When the problem recurred, Brumbies staff sent him for scans that revealed a blood clot in his calf muscle.
The diagnosis potentially saved his life. Had the clot travelled in the opposite direction, he could have had a stroke, a heart attack or died during a game.
The blood-thinning medication makes it too dangerous for him to play or train due to the risk of internal bleeding, especially from a head or chest knock.
Had Vaea continued to play with the clot undetected, it could have caused a stroke or cardiac arrest.
Doctors have since advised that Vaea must have had a mini-heart attack at some stage, which compromised the muscle. Vaea has been on blood-thinning medication to reduce the size of the lesion on his heart.
Regarded at the Brumbies as one of the most physical and imposing players, Vaea admits he struggled with the early stages of his rehabilitation.
Instead of training full-time with the Brumbies and chasing Super Rugby glory Vaea isn't allowed to do any exercise which raises his heart rate.
''Sometimes I go to walk for an hour or two, just to do something. I can't do anything else. It used to be a granny walk, the grannies were walking faster than me, it was like I was an old man,'' Vaea says.
''But now I can walk a bit more normally, I'm just happy I can sit here and talk to you.''
At first, Vaea did not even want to tell his mother Hayley about the medical condition because he didn't want her ''to freak out''.
The Brumbies players have rallied around him to help aid his recovery and his mother and partner Samantha have helped him through the ''low points''.
Now Vaea is speaking publicly, as an ambassador for the Heart Foundation and Heart Week, from May 5-11.
He wants young people to to be aware they are not immune to heart conditions.
Vaea - who has been likened to Wallabies great Toutai Kefu - will have another scan later this month to gauge the recovery of his heart.
If the lesion has disappeared, he may be given the all clear to start running again.
But having signed a two-year contract extension with the Brumbies last year, Vaea doesn't know if he'll be able to play again.
''I know people will have questions marks of, 'Will I be the same?' … but I take up that challenge,'' Vaea says.
''I'm not rushing. If I do come back to footy, I want to be the best, like I was before.
''I can sit here and feel sorry for myself, but I'm not going to move forward that way. As much as I don't like the situation, you have to move on.''