'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring … except for that noisy, bloody footballer on the roof drinking Breezers. Will someone call the cops!!!
Chris Wilson the Christmas grinch. Artwork: Marco Mana
David Furner may have got the sack, the first Raiders coach to get the heave-ho-ho-ho in the club's 32-year history. But we've got Santa's list of who's been naughty and nice in the biggest year Canberra sport has ever seen.
There's been drugs, sackings, walk-outs, arrests, staff discontent - pretty much a regular public service Christmas party, minus a photocopier and bare bum.
But it's also been a festive season, given world champions, national titles and historic events linked to Canberra's Centenary celebrations.
So here's the year wrapped up, presents under the tree for the best and worst of Canberra sport 2013.
Yosemite Sam 'Back Off' mudflaps
He could have used these when teammate Sebastian Vettel ignored orders from the Red Bull pit crew, overtaking Webber in the closing laps to win the Malaysian Grand Prix. He's quit F1, but he could stick them to his new Porsche sportscar.
It's pretty obvious she wants a bike, the trick is what type? The Princess of the Pedals won two world titles in two different disciplines - BMX and 4X - in the space of 56 days. In between she came fifth at the world mountain bike championships.
SANDOR EARL, JOSH DUGAN and BLAKE FERGUSON
A Christmas hamper
Open to suggestions from Raiders fans. Earl, has set up a juice bar in Thailand called Muscle Bar - we kid you not. So ice cream from the Gazelle? Dugan could use some outdoor furniture, instead of sitting and drinking on his roof or in a boat on the side of the road. And Ferguson should get what he deserves - not much.
Granted, it's a big and expensive gift. But Melbourne gave Greg Inglis a boat for his dad during the Storm's, ahem, premiership years. So if Milford lived in a caravan then the dynamic rookie Raiders fullback could take it everywhere, and never be homesick.
Secret Santa from David Furner
Stuart has been handed the reins at the Raiders from sacked coach Furner, but it's anybody's guess what he'll deliver. The Raiders haven't made consecutive finals for 10 seasons.
FIFA 14 video game
Socceroos coach Ange Postecoglou has warned the exciting midfielder he needs more game time if he's going to earn selection for Australia at next year's World Cup in Brazil. Given his injuries and lack of minutes at Scottish giant Celtic, maybe the Xbox is the best shot for Australia's attacking X-factor.
Having left the ACT Brumbies halfway through his contract, this could be handy for signing Jake's next deal with the Durban Sharks.
A trophy cabinet
Having won the Australian Baseball League, the Cavalry backed up with an historic win in the Asian Baseball Series. Charge!
Tickets to the Australian Open
Tennis Australia hasn't confirmed yet whether the 18-year-old will be granted a wildcard into the opening grand slam of the year. But after winning the junior title last year to become the world's No.1 for his age, he could safely expect a golden ticket under the tree.
A bronze statue
A John Farnham vinyl would have been appropriate, but the Wallabies and Brumbies great deserves a lasting legacy after answering an SOS from the Brumbies, returning from Japan to help guide them to the Super Rugby finals for the first time since 2004.
A gold watch
Not to mark his retirement, but so he can note the time critics write him off. Then go ahead and prove them wrong, as he's done this summer.
Buddy Franklin figurine
This popular toy sold out and will be a collector's item when it's next on the market, in nine years' time.
The board game Test Match
We've got lights, we've hosted the Australian cricket team for the first time in a one-day international and there's a multimillion-dollar development of Manuka's surface and facilities under way. But Cricket Australia says it's unlikely Canberra will get a Test match any time soon.
A new TV
Despite the Channel Nine boss paying more than a billion dollars, his TV is still stuck on the same channel. So unless he gets a new set in 2014, he'll have to suffer through more re-runs of the Brisbane Broncos like the rest of us.
UNI OF CANBERRA
A gift voucher
What do you get someone who has everything, including naming rights sponsorship of the ACT Brumbies, Sydney Thunder Big Bash League team, and is bidding for the Capitals' WNBL licence. Not to mention a new $16 million sports hub. Maybe an education? Zing.
Short of building an indoor stadium, if the Raiders are so concerned about their cheer squad being cold that they're considering cutting them, here's an idea - give them warmer clothes. It also solves any arguments over political correctness.
Yours truly - forgiveness