It was Kermit the Frog who opined "it's not easy being green", but one can only imagine the consternation of Australia's elite athletes about the challenging hue after the unveiling of the dreadful green and gold Commonwealth Games uniforms.
Admittedly, green is not the easiest colour to wear, but the addition of spinnaker-sized lapels, cement-coloured slacks and hokey, seemingly hand-knitted, jumpers produced a look that would prompt even Miss Piggy to eschew her beloved when the equivalent of couture kryptonite kits were launched in Melbourne.
"This is why Olympians used to perform naked," said Elle deputy editor Damien Woolnough. "Were these uniforms designed by a graduate of the Whitehouse Institute on a scholarship?"
Glasgow Commonwealth Games athletes Belinda Hocking, Grant Nel, Mack Horton, Steve Moneghetti, Brooke Stratton, Bianca Chatfield, Jeff Riseley and Sarah Cardwell at the launch of the team uniforms. Photo: Eddie Jim
In fact, they were designed and manufactured by Australian Defence Apparel, which also supplies front-line combat and hard and soft armour, which could well come in handy should our Glasgow-bound athletes need to defend themselves against heinous fashion crime allegations from other nations.
The coat of arms on the uniforms resembles a last-minute idea prompted by a sale of iron-on transfers at Spotlight, while the grey tones on the trousers are inexplicable, "unless there was a surplus of prison uniforms" at ADA, according to Woolnough.
The only redeeming feature of the Games ensembles went back to their humble Australian heartland – footwear.
Netballer Bianca Chatfield and runner Jeff Riseley show off the Australian team uniform for the Glasgow Commonwealth Games. Photo: Eddie Jim
It is hoped the other countries of the Commonwealth are like our parents and judge us by our shoes.
Thank Dunlop for their Volleys.