Clyde Rathbone has turned down the opportunity to make a ''fairytale'' Super Rugby comeback this year after a secret approach from ACT Brumbies coach Jake White.
But while the former Test winger will officially decline White's invitation on Monday, Rathbone has not ruled out the possibility of making a return to professional rugby in the coming years.
White contacted Rathbone after the 30-year-old went public 10 days ago about his struggle with depression and his ongoing recovery.
The new Brumbies coach offered Rathbone an opportunity to play with the ACT XV over the next month to see if he was capable of a return to Super Rugby.
And if Rathbone showed he had the potential to add value to White's squad, the coach was prepared to table a contract.
It was the second chance Rathbone thought he would never get after chronic knee injuries prematurely ended his career in 2009.
But spending the past week deliberating and admitting to being ''seduced'' by the idea, Rathbone will tell White when they meet after the weekend he's not prepared to sacrifice his new life for a return to the field - yet.
''You don't get second chances, they don't pop up every day and my first reaction was that I was going to do it,'' Rathbone said.
''But if I was going to do it, it had to be for the right reasons. I have to make sure every day I get up, I'm doing what I want for me.
''There's too much going on in my life that I'm really excited about and I had to make the decision whether to give that up ... I spent a lot of time thinking about it.
''Rugby is still important to me, but I'm at that point where it is in my past.
''Speaking and helping people raise awareness and reducing the risks of mental health is my future.''
Rathbone opened up on January31 about his off-field battle. Despite seemingly being at the top of the rugby world playing for the Brumbies and Wallabies, Rathbone was trapped in a fight against depression. In his darkest moments, he contemplated suicide.
The day after he revealed his story, White phoned his former South African under-21s captain and the pair began talking about the past and the future.
White and Rathbone formed a close bond when they were coach and skipper of South Africa at the junior World Cup in 2001.
At first the pair spoke about Rathbone's brave decision to go public. Then White floated the idea of a comeback.
White told The Canberra Times earlier this week he felt Rathbone could add experience to his raw Super Rugby squad and be a contributor to the team, despite being out of action for the past two seasons.
Rathbone said he was mentally ready for a comeback. Physically, he has been in the gym lifting heavier weights than what he did when he was a star in a Brumbies team of champions.
But the 200kg personal best leg squats he has been doing wasn't enough to convince him to return.
''When Jake pitched it to me I thought, 'shit, this is my fairytale','' Rathbone said.
''I would be happier to be able to finish on my own terms with one more good season under my belt before calling it quits.
''But I don't want to take a spot off a guy who can potentially be at the Brumbies for five or 10 years and I am a significant risk with my injury history. I was seduced by the story early because I was looking at it from other people's perspectives, not from my own.
''As a player you always think there are a certain set of circumstances which could fall into place and have you running back on the field. Instead of fantasising about it, it became a reality - no other coach would have called me and the youthful Brumbies squad made me more appealing as a player.
''But I had to remove the emotion from the story ... what I'm doing [in my life] now excites me more [than playing rugby again].''
Rathbone wants his story of battling depression to inspire others to get help. He wants to talk to people who need help and share his experiences in the hope of changing someone's life. That's why he has opted to pursue work off the field instead of a return to rugby.
He wasn't prepared to put his body through the ''grinder'' and be icing injuries for six months.
When he burst on to the rugby stage, he trained to be the best player in the country. Now, Rathbone says he ''trains just to be healthy''.
''I would have to give that up. It's really not worth putting my body through the grinder.''
Rathbone is going to start a blog in the coming weeks to continue sharing his story, and has already been contacted to do corporate functions to talk about his journey.
While he is comfortable with his life, he hasn't completely given up on a comeback.
''In terms of playing every week, I'm not going to take that jump just yet,'' he said.
''Mentally I'm in the best mindset to come back and play, I've never been in the good space I'm in. If I was going to ... I would want six months training before making [Super Rugby] my goal.
''It's difficult to say no [to White] because I genuinely believe I can do it in terms of physical requirements.
''But I would be biting off more than I can chew right now, I would be compromising too many things. The chances of a return are slim, but that's not to say in six or 12 months I might feel differently.''
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