Queue in an orderly fashion? Maybe at the bank during lunch hour - not at the snow. Photo: Getty Image
You've seen the Whistler Blackcomb "S--- skiers say" video shortly followed by Vermont's "S--- snowboarders say" and then "S--- girl skiers say." But it's not just what snow-sports lovers say that make us cringe or laugh out loud, it is what we do. Altitude has a lot to answer for.
Drink hard liquor in the morning
Ask for a shot at opening time in the city and expect the Salvation Army to come a calling. Ask for a 'warm up' shot at minus-five degrees, 10 minutes after first lifts open, and watch the barman have one too.
Those who baulk at others jumping a queue at the bank at lunch hour or a line for taxis in the CBD or, worse, bypassing the migration queue by arriving on a boat, think nothing of jumping a lift queue when on skis or a snowboard on a powder day.
Wear the same clothes for seven days in a row
Show up to the morning meeting in the same recognisable jacket and pants for two or more consecutive days and expect the office rumour mill to pump out the gossip toute suite. Clearly you're homeless, played an away game or have been locked out by your wife/husband/partner. Either way you're dirty.
Dress like a skittle on crack
There's colour blocking aka Spring 2011, then there's 'look at me' loud prints and neons worn proudly on the slopes. The Wiggles called, they want their colours back.
Pee in public
Drop and squat behind a tree on the side of a main city freeway during peak hour and expect to be taken away in a straight jacket. Drop and squat behind a tree on the side of a main ski run during school holidays while wearing a skittle jacket and expect ... nothing.
Moonboots are for astronauts, they should stay in space where they belong. No one looks good in moon boots, no one. They are the muffin top of the snow world.
Play in the rain
"Go and play outside!" takes on a new meaning at the snow, especially when that snow is coming down as rain. Those folks who call in sick when it rains in the city think nothing of drenching themselves at the snow. "I've paid good money for this ticket and damned if I am not going to use it."
Handover children to strangers
Give your child to a stranger to take into the woods in the city and wait for DOCs to call. Do it at the snow and it's called ski school.
Sport camel toe lycra with pride
Two words. Race suit.
Show videos on the chairlift
You wouldn't pull out your holiday home movies to strangers in an elevator. Why do it on the chairlift?
Fill in the blank. Bloody ______ stop cutting me off. Damned ______
There's plenty more where these actions came from. Whether counting the number of runs, chairs taken, vertical metres skied or ridden in a day to wiping snotty runny noses on a ski glove to dancing in ski boots in a nightclub.
What have we missed?
What s--- skiers and snowboarders do have we left out? Give us your classic examples and post them on the blog below. You could WIN a Douchebag (pictured below) worth $299 from the crew at Bent Square, the uber cool and innovative ski and snowboard bag designed with input from Jon Olssen and the Norwegian University of Science and Technology complete with collapsible frame and shoulder straps to keep both arms free. Terms and conditions.
ACTION SESSIONS & ATTACK OF LA NINA
Red Bull Media House have teamed up with Garage Entertainment to create Garage Sessions. A series of action sports movies will feature at selected cinemas in Perth, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Canberra every Sunday and Monday night from June to November.
The good news for snow lovers is the Matchstick Productions Ski Movie of the Year Attack of La Nina launches Garage Sessions this Sunday starring our own slopestyle athlete, Russ Henshaw. Australian snowboarders Clint and Mitch Allen and Nick Gregory star in White Silk Road (Snowboarding Afghanistan) on July 29 and Travis Rice features in Art of Flight 3D on November 4.
FIT TO SKI PART THREE
Snow It All has teamed up with Mark Richardson from Body Language Personal Training to create four simple three-minute video workouts you can do at home – lower body, upper body, core and cardio.
The first week we focused on legs and you can view that video here, last week was upper body and that's here. This week we focus on the core. Any production value complaints see the manager of No Budget Productions.
Join in the fun and 'like' our Snow It All Facebook Page. This week is White Ninja bandeanie week, one a day to give away. We are also giving away five double passes to Attack of La Nina! Plus follow us on Twitter @misssnowitall and on instagram @snowitall #misssnowitall
Last week's winners of the Burton his'n'hers jacket prize is Dan 'Dr Smith'. Check your emails for a note from us.