Could you follow Kylie Jenner's protocol?

Could you follow Kylie Jenner's protocol?

Babies huh? They've always been attention suckers, what with their oversized, adoring eyes, small feet, and general doughy appearance. Half a century ago, you found out someone was pregnant when they were six months along and "showing", and you likely didn't know the sex until the christening. Well, that's an exaggeration – the father didn't know the sex until the christening.

But these days, it seems, you can't have a baby without producing adequate documentation, specifically, on social media. If your baby is beautiful, but nobody saw it on Instagram, is your baby really even beautiful? The same theorem applies to pregnancy: if you are with child, but don't post a sonogram on Facebook, well, then, who is to say if that's a baby in your belly or a bowl of partially digested penne?

Lip kit queen, wealthiest of her sisters, and now mother. How do we know? She posted it on social media.

Lip kit queen, wealthiest of her sisters, and now mother. How do we know? She posted it on social media.

Photo: Natalie Reilly

We saw an example of this on Tuesday when news finally broke (not unlike the rupturing of an amniotic sac), of Kylie Jenner's baby. The youngest daughter of reality TV royalty Kris and Caitlyn Jenner revealed via social media that she had indeed been pregnant and had given birth days earlier.

Jenner, who kept her pregnancy quarantined from social media for its duration, apologised to her fans on Facebook for the secrecy, saying: "I understand you're used to me bringing you along on all my journeys [but] my pregnancy was one I chose not to do in front of the world."


To make up for this transgression, Jenner, 20, produced what is loosely termed a "baby journey" video. Oh you didn't know? Baby journey videos are a thing.

Now, for civilians, the baby journey video usually begins with the close up of a pregnancy stick, drenched in urine, so as to prove to followers that there's a pregnancy.

But Jenner, who is the wealthiest of all her sisters, decided to take it further back – way, way back to her own birth. Yes, Kylie Jenner included her own origin story in her baby journey. After this, she followed the normal narrative, which included various still photos of her at different stages of her pregnancy. You might remember Serena Williams did the same.

But these sorts of videos are only useful if you've kept your pregnancy under wraps. For everyone else, there is a protocol. First, the urine-soaked stick is posted to Instagram. Then, the sonogram, which may or may not include arrows pointing to "mummy's chin" or "daddy's hand" goes out to Facebook so the grandparents can see it.

Now comes the group-participation part, whereby you hand over a sealed envelope, given to you by your obstetrician, containing the sex of your fetus, to a non-suspecting baker. The baker must then bake a cake that is covered in white icing but contains blue or pink batter. You will not know which one until the big day arrives where you will then cut the cake with your partner in front of family and friends to reveal either pink for a girl or blue for a boy and then post the moment on social media.

This is called a "gender reveal party" and it is not limited to cakes! You can also have a pinata made to rain down blue or pink glitter and then watch the whole thing in slow motion so you catch the quick shadow of disappointment fall across the face of those who were hoping for a girl.

The fetus has spent 14 weeks in its mother's womb but wait, because there is a fourth reveal: the social media post where the mother can no longer fit into her pre-pregnancy clothes. She must cup her bulging uterus, lest her followers mistake it for weight gain. Next, the six-month bikini shot, where the mother displays her perfectly bronzed belly in a bikini, while lying down on a beach. If a beach is not available, a pose in cotton lingerie is also permitted. The point of this is to show that although the mother is with child, she is still a hottie and has not let herself go.

Final reveal. Well, final reveal for the fetus: the nursery shot. Never mind that the rest of the house is an uninhabitable wreck; the nursery, replete with ergonomic crib, cot canopy, soft lamb rug and specially curated wooden toy animals, must be unveiled to build buzz for the birth.

Then, it's recommended you go dark. You know, the way Taylor Swift did before her recent album launch. This is the only way to build the appropriate amount of suspense and intrigue.

Then, and only then, can you unveil the birth. It is recommended you begin by posting a tiny hand, or foot to social media, leave your audience wanting more. If you really want to pump up the heat, you can show a balloon. Now you wait. Sit back and let your followers beg for the face, but don't wait too long. If this means you must put off sleep or that first trip to the toilet, or adequate breastfeeding then so be it – your followers need you.

Now. A post of mother and child, captioned with the time of birth, the weight and length of the baby and several hashtags, including, but not limited to #blessed #sohappy #oncloudnine #welcomelittleone

​You can now sit back, relax and let the social media adoration wash over you like that first warm shower on your torn-up body after birth. But don't relax for long, because the best is yet to come, for you, for your partner, for your child. Soak this up because it's a magical time. No, not the post-birth high, you can't document that! No, the big event, the prize, the culmination of this 20-year journey to procreation: the reveal of the name.

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