Donald Trump's handshake with French president Emmanuel Macron possibly his most awkward yet
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Donald Trump's handshake with French president Emmanuel Macron possibly his most awkward yet

Paris, Friday. Donald Trump is leafing through his trusted tome, 50 Most Awkward Handshakes Through History (September 2016 edition).

"Melania, Melania! Stop watching The Handmaid's Tale and help me. I need to make sure I have at least three entries in the next edition of this book," the US President says to his wife in their suite at the five-star hotel that lost the ballot to host the First Couple.

"Oh, Donald, you have at least four years, maybe eight, to get in that book."

"Do I?"

The President flicks from page to page, wildly gesticulating as he tries to mimic some of the most #awkward greetings of all time.

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DT: "Oh wow, Melania, I will have to really pull out my best work if I'm going to knock that three-way between Tony Abbott, Shinzo Abe and He Who Shall Not Be Named off top spot."

MT: "You mean the G20 greeting with President Ob..."

President Barack Obama.

President Barack Obama.

Photo: Andrew Meares

DT: "STOP! We have spoken about this. His name is President Before Me, or President five syllables. DO NOT speak his name."

MT: "Yes, Mr President."

Trump thinks, his Cheezel-coloured complexion turning more orange as beads of sweat appear around his forehead.

He has to get back at that Emmanuel Macaroni, or whatever his name is, for that wimpish attempt to out handshake him in Brussels before NATO.

The Brussels shake

The Brussels shake

Photo: AP

That "yank and pull" arm grab with Mrs Macaroni ... that was just the warm-up act.

Donald Trump with Brigitte Macron in France

Donald Trump with Brigitte Macron in France

Photo: AP

Yes, he thinks, this one will be his finest handshake yet.

It has to be on foot, outdoors and preferably with The Wives.

He will go in first with a strong shake to the French President, maybe 12 seconds, show him who's the Leader of the Free World (and French fries).

(Plan B: If Macron goes in with a sneaky hand on top, revert to the sneaky hand tap to flip the power grip.)

Then, a slap to the president's chest with his left hand, followed by a grab of the shoulder of The Wife. Keep holding Macron's hand. Kiss the wife (his, not Melania).

The world's most awkward handshake?

The world's most awkward handshake?

Photo: AAP

Quickly, he'll transfer his oversized Cheezel hands to The French Wife. (Did you know she's 64? She's in such good shape.)

At this point, the French president will probably want to end this with a hand to my two hands holding her two hands. Are you following? Good.

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Finally, a grip to Mr Macaroni's hand, a double pat and then let go. USA 1: France 0.

That's it. A 30-second handshake involving no fewer than six manouevres. Take that, Tony Abbott, Shinzo and the other guy.

Melissa Singer

Melissa Singer is Fairfax Media's Deputy Lifestyle Editor and fashion columnist.

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