Now we are all talking about race and racism. Years ago, the Australian government decided to colonise the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination and whitewash it as Harmony Day (the link was strangely broken this week). There is, however, little evidence of harmony and even less evidence of the elimination of racism, discrimination and bigotry.

Of course, there are people working on what will probably be Australia’s longest project, 200 years and counting. And some have good advice on how to do better.

This advice about chatting to racists seems so deeply deeply wrong and is, I’m afraid, also advice more suited to a kinder, gentler person than me. But it’s what the experts say.

Take Jacqueline Nelson, a researcher who works across the hall from me at the University of Technology Sydney. She’s spent years researching racism, racist behaviour and how to be a better bystander. Her advice does not include shouting at strangers but it does include talking to your family.

Nelson recognises just how hard it is to maintain relationships while also trying to convey that you don’t agree with your great aunt about [insert any group here] but we’ve all had great aunts like this. We know it’s not easy.

Regular robust conversations in a family make it easier. Having the debates about what’s fair and just. Learning to make anti-racist jokes (this is hard for those of us who don’t have a sense of humour).

“Over time, you can become known as the politically correct police in your family but people then understand that they can’t talk their way around you. Whether that fundamentally undermines racism is a different matter.”

But she’s also discovered in her own research that those from non-white backgrounds were very effective at dealing with racism in their own families. In other words, reminding your own family about your own life in the margins.

“They’d say, ‘how can you say that about Muslims when you know what people say about us?’ They would provide their own experiences of discrimination.”

Which is quite perfect although not always possible.

On the bus, for example, if you witness racism, the best thing you can do is to speak up to defend the person being abused (sounds terrifying and it probably doesn’t change the mind of the racist. It does, however, comfort the victim of racism and shares the burden of racism).

Nelson says: “When people experience racism, no one saying anything is as bad as the racist experience itself.”

Geoff Dean, an adjunct professor in policing, security and terrorism studies at Griffith University, tells me I have to take a deep breath. And then I have to ask them what they mean by their stance. He says these conversations can work even with those on the road to terrorism – if the conversations happen early enough.

You think you're a patriot? OK, me too, but what does patriotism mean to you?

(Yep, I am a patriot. Deeply grateful to Australia for accepting my parents as refugees in 1951. I was the first Australian-born person in my family.)

You think you believe in traditional Australian values? OK, me too. But what are those traditional Australian values? (Long list but seriously, what the hell do we mean when we are thinking about the fair go? Do only the fair get the fair go?)

I have no great aunts left to persuade but I’d like to start by asking by having the discussion with some of our politicians. Dog whistling banned. Covert bull about population control banned (also, if you plan to send migrants to Tamworth and surrounds make sure the hospitals, schools and public transport are ready. You are the people in charge of infrastructure so I blame everything on you). More of a focus on how to make Australia truly harmonious. Much more of this please.

Power plays a big part in whether we can all get on with each other. How your institution/organisation/company deals with power matters in ways which affect all of us. Is it possible to have open conversations about these matters? Does your institution deal as badly with racism as it does with sexual harassment? If so, it’s probably time to look elsewhere for work unless you are sure the leaders are committed to change, says the chief executive officer of the Diversity Council of Australia Lisa Annese. She says to those in charge everywhere: “If you do have power, have the conversation, educate yourself on what racism actually means. You set the tone. If you don’t find racism funny, no-one else will either.”

Have the conversation. Keep calm. That’s a tough request right now. But for once, I might take the advice of the experts.

Jenna Price is an academic at the University of Technology Sydney.